


No One Loves Me and Neither Do I

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Bulges and Nooks, Kissing, M/M, Masturbation, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-26
Updated: 2014-05-05
Packaged: 2017-11-26 23:57:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 45,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/655803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's hate at first sight for Karkat when Dirk sets foot on the meteor. All would be fine and simple if it stayed that way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Another Fucking Strider

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [a kinkmeme prompt.](http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/39135.html?thread=42230751#cmt42230751)

If Karkat had found the last three years irritating, it was nothing compared to the events of the last few days. Reconvening with John and Jade was fine, even welcome. As dumb as John was at times, Karkat had actually missed him a little bit, and Jade wasn't particularly offensive, at least compared with the rest of the folks Karkat was used to dealing with.

The problem was, their reunion wasn't just that. It was also entering the post-scratch universe. Which entailed meeting the dancestor versions of the kids. Yeah, they were inevitable, and the scratch had been their only hope of beating the game but fuck, Karkat hadn't expected them to be even worse than the originals.

Jane's laugh – annoying and forced – was the worst thing about her, which simply meant that she was as dull as a beige wall. Roxy was loud and managed to sporadically mispronounce random words with no rhyme or reason while trying to be funny in all the wrong ways. The two of them were positively tolerable in comparison to the boys.

While John was a bit of a dunce at times and Jade a space cadet, the ectobiology must have gone horribly wrong to somehow coalesce every bit of their stupid into their male offspring. Jake was the most unbelievably thick excuse for a sentient life form that Karkat had ever met. Even Gamzee on sopor had been smarter than Jake, and made more sense too. Half the words that came out of his mouth were some bizarre, extinct Earth dialect, and Karkat couldn't be bothered to try to comprehend it.

And then there was the Strider. Another fucking Strider. As if that wasn't the last thing Karkat needed in his life.

Karkat had not believed it was possibly for anyone to exude douche vibes more intensely than Dave, but the multiverse taken his naïve assumption, laughed in his face, and spat on it.

From the moment they met, from the moment the alpha kids' annoying little god-tier clothed selves set foot on the meteor, from the moment Karkat caught glimpse of those ludicrous pointy shades, Karkat hated Dirk. The cocky fuck hadn't even acknowledged him; he was solely interested in his ectoparents and hadn't given the three trolls anything more than a cursory nod.

And then, not three days after the new kids arrived, John, Rose, Dave, and Jade all put on their special pjs, took the battlefield, and left.

“We'll be back in a couple of weeks, maybe,” John told Karkat. “I'm sorry we didn't get to hang around longer, but we have to go win this thing!”

“Of course you do; I'm not fucking complaining.” 

“You look worried.”

“You're about to try to take on a Lord of Time who technically can't be beaten, you moron. I'd have to have a think pan as empty as the pity gland in an imperial drone not to be worried! Not to mention that if you bulgesuckers lose, it's not just your sorry asses on the line.”

John smiled with a glimmer of confidence. “We can do it.”

Karkat just rolled his eyes. “Get out of here already.”

John reached out for a hug and Karkat returned the gesture. It was short, and John was stiff and hesitant. _Is he still awkward over that passing caliginous crush from years ago?_ Those feelings had long ago faded, not to mention that Karkat had experienced other unrequited hate-crushes more recently. A year or two ago, he might have been exasperated, but it was long enough ago that he didn't even sigh. He simply patted John on the back briefly in the platonic sort of way he'd observed was the norm in human culture and backed off.

“Well, see you again soon!” John said before rushing off to join Jade and Dave.

Karkat noticed Kanaya and Rose conversing in hushed tones as he left. Rose paused to offer him a nod, her expression a hard blank, as if she was veiling more than usual. _Maybe she's the only one who really understands that they might not come back._

With that drastically unspectacular departure, Karkat was left stuck on the meteor with his ex-would-have-been-matesprit, a sulking rainbow drinker, his increasingly-elusive excuse for a moirail, and four new human kids, ranging from dull to unbearably obnoxious.

This was not going to be a fun couple of weeks.

Upon watching her sink the meteor into a vast blanket of nothingness after the others had departed, Karkat grudgingly admitted that Roxy, at least, was vaguely useful. It cut off their communications with outside, but the void powers offered them one last line of defense in case the others were unsuccessful. A weak, tenuous last line of defense, its success meaning surviving, but stuck here. _Which is worse, being stuck in here with no hope or escape for the rest of my miserable life, or being destroyed?_ The perspective of his idle thoughts was less hypothetical than he would have liked.

Karkat avoided the usual haunts, Can Town and the library and the computer room. He told himself it wasn't because he missed anyone – especially not Dave – but he didn't really believe it. He found himself wandering towards the ectobiology lab. It shouldn't have been any more unsettling to meet the dancestors of the kids than those of his own friends – hell, more than the ectorelative of his own self – but the weirdness of the situation still haunted his mind. _Another goddamn version of a Strider. Exactly what my life needs._

To Karkat's severe annoyance, said individual was not currently confined to a concept lingering in the troll's incessantly troubled cranial region, but was in fact in the flesh lingering in the ectobiology lab.

“What the fuck do you think you're doing here?”

Dirk looked up from the equipment he was examining. His deadpan expression was remarkably reminiscent of Dave's, though the amusement that haunted it was even subtler.

“Looking, obviously.”

“Congratulations on your witty comeback, Admiral Obvious. Why the fuck are you here?”

"Because I want to check out this outrageous technology."

Karkat gritted his teeth. Dirk seemed unconcerned, returning to fiddling with one of the knobs on the control panel.

“Here's an idea: Why don't you go want to be somewhere else instead of messing with my shit?”

"Why? I fail to see how this constitutes an invasion of your privacy, even if you were the one to use this lab. I distinctly remember Rose saying that Kanaya the space player in your session."

“I made the stupid future spawn-ancestor clones, jackass. The space player does the frogs.”

“I know. I also know you don't seem like the sort of troll who'd have a role in either undertaking.” Dirk moved slightly to examine a panel more closely, now squarely facing away from Karkat. The edge of his shades glinted in the sallow lighting.

“This isn't an argument about the validity of my role in the stupid game! This is about my shit, and you getting your nosy human self the fuck away from it.”

“So you can sulk in peace?”

“I am not sulking!” Karkat wasn't sure which pissed him off more; the too-true accusation, or the fact that Dirk was being rude as fuck, fiddling with controls and not even having the decency to glance over his shoulder when replying. At least Dave had fucking looked at him when they bickered.

“Stalking off from the rest of your buddies to hang out in an abandoned lab leftover from a failed attempt at universe buildin' sure looks like sulkin', dude.”

“Fuck you and also, get out.”

“Not goin' anywhere.”

Karkat rolled his eyes. _I am so not in the mood for this._ No, he was here to get some peace and quiet. If he couldn't find it here, he'd go find it somewhere else. He was not justifying this crannynozzle with more arguing. He gathered every ounce of his willpower, took a deep breath, and turned around.

_There. Not arguing with anyone._

_Letting that asshole get away with that._

_No, going to find peace and quiet. Fuck whatever that asshole thinks._

_Setting a bad precedent for future encounters._

_Setting a good precedent for calming the fuck down. Look, I'm strolling down the hall, my shit admirably unflipped._

_Going where exactly?_

_Somewhere to totally not argue with anyone._

_Except yourself._

Karkat's lungs burned and he finally gasped, exhaling desperately. He leaned over, panting, hands on his knees, trying to return to normal breathing. _Right. Not talking doesn't have to equal not breathing._ His face burned with embarrassment as he heard someone else coming down the hall. _Well fuck._

And that someone was Jake. The human was beaming – _why are idiots always so happy?_ \- and Karkat just walked in the opposite direction. The call of “Oy there, chum!” went blatantly ignored.

It wasn't until Karkat reached his room, stripped off his clothes, and lowered himself into his recuperacoon that it occurred to him that he had missed the opportunity for a perfect comeback. Dirk had accused him of going off alone away from everyone else to sulk, but it was readily apparent upon reflection that Dirk had been doing the same damn thing.


	2. A Stranger's Room

Dirk didn't appreciate losing his brother just days after meeting him. Not that his brother had wanted much to do with him, really; he lacked the enthusiasm that Roxy, Jake, and Jane's ectorelatives had shown. Dirk was frankly disappointed, not only by the lukewarm reception but by how much less cool his brother from the pre-scratch universe seemed. It was an empty, hollowing sort of feeling to have the idolization of his brother scooped out from his guts, purged by the unflattering realities of late-teenaged, alt-universe Dave. A broken, shitty sword and a face still suffering from the last claws of acne did not support a hero's pedestal well.

 _But you're meeting someone akin to a younger version of him. If he knew an older version of you and is still avoiding you, what does that say about who you were in his universe?_ Such thoughts hardly strengthened Dirk's self-confidence.

The first night after Dave left, Jake and Jane had gone exploring in the library, and Roxy was chatting up Kanaya. The troll's interest had seemed more polite than genuine, but Roxy was undeterred, far too eager to learn everything she could about Rose and what her ectomother had been up to for the past three years. Terezi had disappeared, and Dirk hadn't actually met the alleged fourth troll. Something about a creepy, murdering clown, from what Dave had said. Actually, that was the most informative thing Dave had said to Dirk during the whole of their interactions. The other Strider's elusiveness was neither as cool nor as ironic as Dirk would have liked to have taken it, but he hadn't pressed. He had thought he'd have more time; the other kids' imminent departure had been announced mere hours before it happened.

Without no one to see and less to do, Dirk opted to go further into the meteor, carefully avoiding the area where he knew Crocker and English were headed. As discombobulated – and awkward – as they'd been after trickster mode, their quasi-official, cautious, awkward semblance of a relationship had stuck. Dirk absolutely didn't want to date Jake again, but knowing his ex was happy with someone else still hurt in ways he didn't care to dwell on.

Careful to mentally note his path and landmarks on the way – a scuff on the floor near this particular transportalizer, a dent in the metal panels halfway down the hall, a dried smear of purple as he turned a corner – Dirk wandered. It would be far too easy to get lost here if he wasn't careful at first, but it would be utterly boring not to get out of the little section he had been given a tour of.

The lab was large and empty, with ridiculous sci-fi trappings that Roxy would have loved. It was easy to deduce that this was where ectobiology had taken place, and Dirk felt slightly jealous that their session had failed so miserably that they never even reached this point. They hadn't done much of anything in their session, truth be told. It was fun but ultimately pointless. Apart from slowly inching up the echeladder and finding a paltry amount of grist, there weren't even any objective little achievements to foster a false sense of pride.

Dirk was just starting to examine the controls when he was interrupted by Karkat. The troll's ire seemed omnipresent, though he and Dave seemed to hold an especially contentious relationship. Briefly, Dirk had wondered whether they were engaged in a kismessissitude – the Dave from his universe had been bisexual after all, and it wasn't like gender mattered to trolls – but watching them further it quickly became clear that either they were stuck in a dysfunctional mutual denial of their feelings for each other or they held a purely platonic animosity.

After some brief blustering, Karkat departed again, scowling and indignant but ultimately defeated. Dirk was almost surprised he hadn't put up more of a fight, but it merely served as further evidence that the troll was more bluster than anything else. Karkat seemed devoid of actual substance. On the second day here, Dirk had watched Karkat pick a fight with Dave over the placement of his feet on the table, which devolved into Dave effortlessly lobbing insults in his offhand sort of way while Karkat got louder and louder until the troll threw up his hands in disgust and left. On the other hand, Karkat had very little to say about matters of actual importance, such as what the hell was going to happen to them all.

Or the fact that the other kids had just left the trolls and their ectorelatives here on a meteor with what felt like little more than “Going to kill the Lord of Time – BBL.” Rose had told Dirk a little upon his insistence, but none of her group would hear of him coming with them. Dirk knew they had good reasons – they knew each other and had worked together extensively; they had an emotional weakness toward those they viewed as an alternate world's version of their guardians; they didn't want to directly risk everyone's lives if they failed - but they weren't quite good enough for the decision not to be patronizing. While with Jake's poor judgment he might be more of a liability than a boon, Dirk, Roxy, and Jane were another matter.

Once Karkat was gone, Dirk found himself growing irritated, rather than fascinated, by the equipment. He chalked it up to distraction, his thoughts spinning too much for him to focus. Usually it wasn't a problem; usually having something new to figure out or solve helped keep him from sinking into the maelstrom of his own mind. The anxiety of the kids leaving must have been eating at him. Knowing they were gone and might not come back. Knowing Dirk utterly lacked control over the situation. Over his own fate. At least in his session, he'd been in control of things.

 _And look at how that turned out._ Intellectually he knew it wasn't his fault they hadn't been able to win, but he couldn't fully unharness of the vague sense of guilt that clung to him.

_I could try to get some sleep._ A stellar notion, except for knowing he wouldn't actually be able to fall asleep. 

When he'd arrived, there hadn't been any extra rooms that would be suitable as bedrooms. There were, however, the abandoned quarters of the trolls, and with a little redecorating, they'd been reassigned to the new kids. Dirk had spent the past few nights in a respite block that used to belong to some computer geek. With Rose's help, he'd alchemized a bed and some essentials, but it still felt like he sleeping in a stranger's room. Now that Dave was gone though, there would be a room available that reminded Dirk much more of the apartment.

Sure enough, Dave's room was much homier than the repurposed troll room had been. The posters weren't precisely what Dirk would have picked, but the Midnight Crew was fine, and it was better than bare walls. There was a picture of Ben Stiller, and it took a second for Dirk to remember that in this Dave's world, there had never been any Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff movies. This Dave never even met Ben Stiller. The desk was just like Dirk's, cinderblocks and plywood for an ironically white trash look. There was a disappointing lack of puppets, but he could work with that.

As he took a puppet from his sylladex to place on the desk, it occurred to Dirk that him making himself cozy would probably be construed as an invasion of privacy by Dave rather than a reflection of Dirk's longing for home and familiarity. If Dave found out, this would drag them further apart when he returned. Then again, if Dirk had any warning, he could easily cover his tracks. It was an acceptable level of risk.

The bed was in the corner, so similar to Dirk's own, two mattresses piled one on top of the other, no bed frame. The sheets were patterned with card suits instead of billiard balls, but that was a minor detail. He sat on the edge of the bed, snatching handfuls of the cotton sheets, soft and thin. When he'd been growing up, Dirk slept in the only bed in the apartment. He assumed it had been Dave's, and it gave him an odd sort of comfort knowing his brother had slept there, 300 years before. This wouldn't be as comforting, but better than nothing.

There had been a few times when Dirk had abandoned the bed, twisted up in his own thoughts enough to convince himself that he didn't fucking deserve to sleep where his brother had once stayed. A few well-deserved instances of acute self-loathing – berating Roxy too harshly one night for her drunken flirting, pissing off usually calm-tempered Jane enough that she didn't talk to him for a week, breaking the microwave irreparably in his scavenging for more parts to build robots when usable materials were running uncomfortably low – had made Dirk banish himself to the futon.

But there was no futon here, and no real reason to banish himself – no more than usual – so he stripped off his clothes and climbed into the unmade bed. He tugged at the blankets, pulling them over himself to some semblance of order from their messy pile at the end of the bed. As he settled in, he noticed that it smelled similar to his own bed, but not quite the same. That hint of difference was unsettling, more so than it'd have been if it was an entirely alien scent. It looked almost liked his bed, it smelled almost like his bed, it felt almost like his bed, but not enough so to actually pretend it was. Merely close enough to be uncanny.

His body felt tense and even though he concentrated on his breathing, trying to consciously relax himself, he knew it'd be useless. It was always useless. It should work, it allegedly worked for others but it barely took the edge of of his stress, at best. His thoughts strayed to Jake and his cock stirred but he pushed it aside. Fuck Jake. The fraying remnants of Dirk's aborted love weren't even fucking important.

_We could all die. If they aren't successful, the multiverse will be destroyed. Lord English can even kill ghosts, so we wouldn't even continue on in some quasi-unlife in a dream bubble. We'd just be gone._

Dirk contemplated existence and the lack thereof for much longer than he would have preferred before sleep pulled him under, light and restless but at least dreamless as well.


	3. Magnitude? Passion? Bullshit.

Karkat eventually managed to drift off, but it took far longer than he would've liked, even with the sopor soaking into his pores. The slow loss of consciousness felt artificial, some stand-in for sincerely relaxing. He slept fitfully and eventually gave up in the wee hours of the morning. Or something.

 _What the fuck does “morning” even mean without any actual change from day to night?_ On the bright side, the lack of a sun meant the trolls and the kids could sync to the same cycle, and had, since on Alternia trolls usually slept when the sun was up while humans slept when the sun was down. But there was no such context any more.

The only context now was waiting for the kids to come back. The real kids. Jade and Rose, and John. Dave. Karkat wrenched his thoughts away, and pulled himself out of his recuperacoon. Nope, not wallowing in this right now. Maybe someone would be online.

Well, Gamzee was. Allegedly. It'd been weeks since he'd responded to a message when Karkat sent it; when he did answer at all, it was with quite a time delay.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] \--

CG: I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'RE ACTUALLY ONLINE THIS TIME?  
TC: what's up brother?  
CG: WOW IT'S MY LUCKY DAY. YOU'RE FUCKING AT YOUR COMPUTER FOR ONCE.  
TC: OF COURSE I'M MOTHERFUCKING HERE  
TC: i asked whats up?  
CG: WELL, I'M NOT GETTING ANY FUCKING SLEEP.  
TC: APPARENTLY NOT MOTHERFUCKER.  
TC: you wouldnt be online if you were sleeping :o)  
TC: SO TELL ME WHAT IS ON YOUR MIND.  
CG: YEAH, I GOT YOU THE FIRST TIME YOU ASKED.  
CG: AND WHAT IS UP IS FUCKING STUPID SHIT SO I'M NOT DWELLING ON IT.  
CG: A BIG PILE OF STINKING HOOFBEAST WASTE THAT I AM TRYING TO WALK THE FUCK AWAY FROM.  
CG: SO LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE AND NOT THE FECAL MATTER OF A PROBLEM FESTERING IN MY BRAIN.  
TC: but thats what palemates are for, brother.  
TC: SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ISSUES.  
TC: even if you dont appreciate yourself enough to value your own feelings.  
TC: YOU NEED TO LET IT OUT, MOTHERFUCKER.  
CG: I CAN'T GET MY MIND OFF THAT SMELLY BULGESUCKER.  
TC: which motherfucker?  
CG: GOD DO I HAVE TO SAY IT? DAVE.  
CG: I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING THINK ABOUT HIM.  
TC: why is that?  
TC: IF YOUR THINK PAN IS SO FULL OF THOUGHTS OF HIM MAYBE YOU SHOULD APPRECIATE WHAT HE MEANS TO YOU.  
CG: HE DOESN'T MEAN SHIT TO ME. IT'S JUST AN IDIOTIC CRUSH.  
CG: HE'S NOT EVEN FUCKING AROUND ANY MORE.  
CG: INSTEAD WE'RE BEING TREATED TO STRIDER DOUCHE 2.0. NEW MODEL AVAILABLE, NOW WITH EVEN STUPIDER SHADES.  
CG: FUCK, HAVE YOU EVEN MET THE NEW KIDS?  
TC: nah, haven't had a chance to introduce myself.  
TC: BUT I KNOW THE MOTHERFUCKER TO WHICH YOU ARE REFERRING.  
TC: he was the one who had lil cal, wasn't he?  
CG: WHO THE FUCK IS LIL CAL?  
TC: NEVERMIND, MOTHERFUCKER.  
CG: YEAH, OK, I'M JUST GOING TO MOVE ON WITH THIS.  
CG: LET'S GET TO THE PART WHERE YOU TELL ME THAT FEELINGS ARE FUCKING MIRACLES AND I SHOULDN'T FIGHT THEM.  
TC: you shouldn't :o(  
TC: YOU SHOULD APPRECIATE THE MAGNITUDE OF YOUR CALIGINOUS PASSION.  
CG: MAGNITUDE? PASSION? BULLSHIT.  
CG: I'VE NEVER EVEN HAD A REAL FUCKING BLACK ROMANCE. I'VE NEVER HAD EITHER CONCUPESCIENT QUADRANT FILLED DURING MY MISERABLE FAILURE OF A LIFE.  
CG: AND WHO THE FUCK DO I HAVE FOR PROSPECTS? TEREZI IS DONE WITH ME, KANAYA'S NOT MY TYPE, AND YOU'RE MY PALEMATE.  
TC: and humans don't get the caliginous feelings.  
TC: NARROW-MINDED MOTHERFUCKERS.  
CG: SOMETHING LIKE THAT.  
CG: FUCK EVEN IF THEY DID, DAVE AND I WOULDN'T WORK OUT.  
CG: EVEN IF HE DID FEEL THE SAME WAY IT'S NOT LIKE WE COULD HAVE A REAL RIVALRY.  
CG: IT'S JUST CHILDISH BITCHING THAT FOR SOME GODAWFUL REASON I KEEP PLAYING ALONG WITH.  
CG: THERE'S NO FUCKING SUBSTANCE TO IT.  
CG: BUT I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM. PROBABLY DUE TO MY COMPLETE AND UTTER LACK OF OTHER PROSPECTS.  
CG: HELL IS OTHER PEOPLE.  
CG: OR MORE SPECIFICALLY, HELL CONSISTS OF JUST ENOUGH OTHER PEOPLE THAT ONE SHOULDN'T START TO GO CRAZY BUT ONE TOTALLY FUCKING DOES.

Karkat sat, watching his cursor blink for a good fifteen minutes before accepting that Gamzee had stopped responding. Probably fucking wandered off. Not that he'd expected his moirail to give him much useful advice anyway. There wasn't really anyone he could rely on any more. Not since Sollux left, and things with Terezi... Well, maybe Kanaya, but she wasn't online, and they hadn't warmed up much over the past three years, though a lot of that was probably because of how much time she spent with Rose. 

It was stupid for Karkat to be jealous that Kanaya had a matesprit, but the pang hit him anyway. He wasn't attracted to Kanaya or Rose, so he should just be happy for them, not envy them. _Why am I such a miserable failure at relationships? Terezi has two of her quadrants filled now; I didn't even have a chance for kismessisitude with her because my miserable moirail got to her first. Or because he has something that I don't. Am I just not properly despicable? Just pathetic? Too sad to hate, too annoying to love._

No, there were few options and he just hadn't clicked with anyone. _Except Dave, but you could never even admit your feelings to him. Yeah, because humans don't even do black romance, and besides, he was only into ladies or something. Same thing as John, apparently._ From his extensive self-inflicted exposure to human culture, Karkat had figured out that apparently being “straight” was the norm in human culture. Class or social status didn't even play a big role compared to gender. And the few humans who were “homosexuals” were only interested in the same sex. Therefore, judging by Dave's red feelings for Terezi, he must fall into the former category – which meant Karkat had no chance with him. 

Karkat looked sadly at his trollian buddy list. John, Dave, Rose, and Jade's names were all faded gray. Offline. And would be until they got back. There were four new names, the new kids, but they were offline too, except for timaeusTestified. _What's he still doing up? Probably claims he has insomnia or likes to keep odd hours._ Seemed like the sort of bullshit that little snot would pull. Melodramatic, passive aggressive need to be special. Misunderstood. 

_Yeah, because you'd never do anything melodramatic._

_Shut up already._

The arbitrary timestamp in the corner of his monitor said 5:34am. Still too fucking early, but there was no use dwelling. Maybe he could go get an early breakfast before any of those idiots invaded the common rooms. The alchemizer was a bit obnoxious to use, but he'd figured it out well enough to feed himself. _Thank fuck for that. I don't want to have to resort to disassembling Can Town to eat._ Dave and Terezi would have a fit if he did. 

Longing washed over Karkat again and he shut his husktop with disgust, not sure which of them he was jealous of and which one he wanted. _Doesn't matter, dumbass. You blew your chances with both of them._

Karkat dragged himself to his feet and went to his wardrobe. Same old clothes, dark gray jeans and his black shirt, pulled on over his underwear. Socks. Sneakers. Some semblance of being assembled and put together. Keeping up appearances for absolutely no one. 

The hall was desolate. His footsteps echoed, his husktop tucked under one arm. He could set up for a little while at the table while he had breakfast. _You can't just hide in your room all day. At least get out when there's no one else there. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of leaving your room? Change of fucking scenery. Well not all the humans are miserable. What about Roxy? If she comes by that wouldn't suck. Well it would suck. No, it'd be a fuck of a lot better than just hiding in your goddamn room all alone. Why are you so picky about friends when you don't even have any? Standards are high but what the fuck do you bring to the table? Oh wait, that's absolutely nothing. Get off your high hoofbeast, idiot. At least make an attempt to not drown in your self-imposed, lonely misery. If I'm so useless, then why even try? Shut. Up._

When Karkat transportalized into the room, it was thankfully empty, a few books and empty cups strewn around. He padded across the rug and set his husktop down before moving to the alchemizer. Coffee, mediocre but easy to make. Toast, always vaguely reminiscent of cardboard, but edible with jam. A few round slices of seared snoutbeast flesh. So superior to the bullshit “bacon” that Dave went on and on about. Probably an ironic thing. 

Karkat plopped down in a chair, pulling the plate close to him and sinking onto his elbows, staring at his plate. It's not like he was really hungry but he knew he should eat. Probably. It sounded a lot less like something he wanted to do when the burnt toast and gray-tinted meat were lying there in front of him. 

He forced himself to sip the coffee, bitter. He never liked it but caffeine was apparently a universal addiction, seeing as the humans liked it just as much. Some of them added sugar, but he didn't care for the sweetness in there, and milk was just kind of gross, conceptually. Karkat's stomach turned as he remembered Equius. Frankly Karkat didn't miss him or his creepy habits, but finding their bodies... 

Gamzee's face, eyes sharp with an awareness Karkat had never seen before, violet blood crusting on wounds cutting across his face and those flat lips devoid of any remnants of a smile, flashed before Karkat's eyes. Karkat looked back down to his meat. _It's too fucking early to be eating anyway._ He shoved the plate away and pulled his husktop over in its place. 

Maybe he needed a hobby or some shit. _Who am I kidding, when haven't I needed a hobby? Some stupid little occupation to keep me from going crazy._ Well, that's what movies were for. 

He'd made good progress on human movies. They weren't anywhere near as deep as troll ones, of course, but their dullness was welcome at times. Like now, as he plugged in his headphones and browsed through his options. Nothing jumped out at him, so he selected a film on a whim and hit play. 

If he'd been in sopor, he might have been able to fall asleep again. Without it, he just felt sleepy and annoyed, mentally shouting as the characters made one awkward, rookie mistake after another. Troll romance was complicated, but humans would do well to take a page from trolls on the moirallegiance front at least. The humans weren't getting violent, but their silly outbursts were definitely hindering their relationship, and their friends were woefully underequipped to help them. The lead male in particular was clearly in need of a good pap. _Ugh, human cultural norms._

He had finished it and was looking listlessly through options for another romcom when he heard something. He yanked his headphones out and glanced behind him. It was Jane, he saw with more boredom than annoyance. 

“What?” 

“I'm just here to get some breakfast,” Jane replied, looking slightly off-put by his blunt question. 

Karkat looked to the clock again. It was almost 8 a.m. now. 

“Right.” Karkat debated over whether to put his headphones back in or not. It would be rude but he didn't really care. He didn't care, but the headphones remained clasped in one hand. Well, he wasn't watching anything yet anyway. 

“Isn't this fucking early for humans?” Karkat asked. 

“Isn't it early for trolls too? Or are you all nocturnal?” 

“Stupid questions since we don't actually have a sun here.” 

Jane blinked in disbelief. “You were the one who brought up the time.” She shook her head and continued alchemizing her breakfast. “Nevermind then.” 

Karkat's stomach twisted awkwardly. He felt like he should apologize, but couldn't actually bring himself to do it. “What are you even making?” 

“Pancakes.” 

“It can make those?” 

There was a pause before Jane turned around with a plate full of, yup, nothing other than pancakes drenched in syrup and butter. “It sure can!” 

“I didn't think it was very cooperative with breads and pastries and shit.” 

“That's what Rose told me, but I haven't been running into trouble yet. Other stuff's trickier, but the baked goods were simple to figure out. Or maybe I just have a knack for them, hoohoo!” 

That quick laugh grated on Karkat's nerves, but he caught a whiff of the pancakes, rich and buttery, and grudgingly, he acknowledged that Jane might not be too bad. Not that he really wanted baked goods right now, but the others would probably appreciate them. _She has a knack for cake, that's not fucking useful. It's a cute quirk, but that's not going to help you. You don't even like cake._ No, but he imagined Terezi's face lighting up as she bit into a cupcake, frosting smearing on her nose, and her cackling gleefully – her amusement sharp and unforced unlike Jane's white-bread giggles – as she licked it off with her long tongue. 

_Who is it, Karkat? Is it Dave or is it Terezi? Or are you miserable on the moirail front too; is Gamzee not enough for you? You're so desperate to fill your quadrants, heart still tied up in impossible crushes._ But there weren't any possible prospects. 

“Do you want some?” Karkat realized Jane was watching him cautiously, her expression bordering on thinly-veiled pity. His stomach sank again. 

“Not hungry,” he said, grabbing his plate to scrape it off in the trash. “Thanks.” 

He scooped up his husktop and headphones. 

“Nice running into you,” Jane called as he left. 

“You too,” Karkat replied emptily, just summoning enough willpower to not be a completely mannerless jackass. 

It was a lie though. And it shouldn't have been. _How am I so fucking hopeless at any and all social interactions? Can I say anything without making a total idiot out of myself?_ He must have been OK at it sometimes. He had friends, in the past. _Did you? Or were Sollux and Terezi and John all just pitying you, and you were too thick to realize it, or too desperate to admit it to yourself._ It was self-defeating bullshit, but Karkat didn't even fight it. He just let it go. He could try again later. Not right now. No thanks. 


	4. ur acting like ur sulking

Some people might find it a little weird for him to be sleeping in his brother's bed, Dirk acknowledged. After all, Dave was neither aware nor consenting to this use of his personal space. Objectively, it didn't make it any worse that Dirk was jacking off in Dave's bed but it probably would still make anyone else really skeeved out if they knew. Too fucking bad.

He hadn't wanted to, but the hours had passed and his mind wouldn't fucking stop. Jake kept popping into his thoughts unbidden. Stupid, unproductive images - Jake wrapping his arms around Jane and laughing, that quirky grin on his face – that hurt so much yet made Dirk's cock stir. _Why the hell not,_ he thought. _It's not like I have any other good jackoff material._ Very reasonable.

Dirk did always strive to be reasonable. Not one of his actions that led him to this spot was logically unsound, but taking a step back, being in his brother's bed with blankets kicked to the floor and his boxers pulled down to his knees was a tableau that others might find scandalous. Or rather, would beyond the shadow of a doubt find scandalous when Dirk wrapped his hand around his cock and started to stroke furiously, closing his eyes as he let memories assault him.

_Jake on his knees, wrapping his lips around Dirk's cock for the first time, enveloping it in wet warmth. It was intoxicating, blissful, perfect, as Jake slid his tongue along the sensitive skin on the underside of the shaft._

_Jake sitting, back pressed against a wall, hand wrapped around himself as he beat off, watching Dirk do the same. Through that green mask, Dirk could still see his bright, hungry eyes._

_Jake whacking Dirk off, his strokes even harder than Dirk's own. Jake thrusting his tongue between Dirk's lips. Jake whispering stupid, stupid bullshit in Dirk's ear as Dirk's breath hitched and he grabbed Jake's shoulders_ and Dirk came -

All over his naked abdomen, thick white threads splashing on his belly with stray drops falling on his left nipple, even his collarbone. Dirk rode the orgasm out, pumping until he was utterly spent and his dick felt tender to the touch. As he let go, he felt reality rushing back in.

_You just jacked off in someone else's bed. You seriously couldn't be content to just fucking sleep? I hope you realize that now you're going to have to figure out some way to wash these sheets because now they're guaranteed to smell like sweat and loneliness. It's not like there's a goddamn washing machine here._

_Thinking about Jake still, really? You aren't with Jake any more, and you're never going to be with him again. How the fuck are you going to move on if he's still the sole feature in your spank bank? Are you so full of self-pity you don't even want to try to exercise an iota of control to move the fuck on?_

_I should have grabbed some tissues or something before this._ His cum was sliding down his body, dripping down his side in one spot and – yup it just hit the sheets. The sheets he was going to be sleeping on.

_Well, Dave might not come back anyway so maybe you won't have to worry about what a perfect mess you've made of his bed._

Dirk climbed out of bed and went to clean up, soaking in the shower. By the time he was done, it was mid-afternoon, by the arbitrary time stamp of the meteor. He'd spent over twelve hours trying to sleep and had gotten maybe four.

He slid into his computer chair and pulled up pesterchum. Almost immediately, a message from Roxy popped up.

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified  [TT] \--

TG: diiiirk  
TT: Yes, Roxy?  
TG: i havent seen you around today  
TT: Most likely because I haven't been to the common areas.  
TG: oh wow what i hadnt even considered that  
TG: i thought maybe u stole some of my void powers and disappeared on us  
TG: so ur still totes corporeal and visible  
TT: If I had, you wouldn't have noticed my absence. I'd be just that sneaky.  
TG: ill always notice if ur gone because it gets hella boring fast when none of you kids are around  
TG: so u gonna come by or what  
TT: Maybe later.  
TG: r you sulking  
TG: ur acting like ur sulking  
TG: i think ur getting ur sulk on dirk  
TT: No, I just haven't felt particularly social today, and I captchalogued some food last night so I haven't gone hungry or had any other pressing reason to visit the dining area.  
TG: wow ok ill go turn my ass around cuz apparently ur friends arent a pressing reason to gtfo of ur room  
TG: besides what im making up is gonna be way tastier than whatever potato chips or stuff u have in ur inventory  
TG: im gonna hip up some delish dinner with the alchemizer  
TG: *whip  
TG: if jane can use it like an easy bake oven to science up awesome cakes and pies and all i can totes manage some legit meals  
TT: Have fun with that.  
TG: just because im not some baking wizard like jane is doesnt mean i cant cook  
TT: I think the use of "cook" is a bit generous.  
TG: stfu close nuff  
TT: I'm not doubting your ability to prepare technically edible meals.  
TG: haha  
TG: soooo whats the real deal then  
TG: dont make me go all crocker on you and try to dedeuce what ur deal is  
TG: *deduce  
TG: dirk is hiding wat could he be trying to hide from  
TT: I'm not hiding.  
TT: I just don't really care to go out and possibly run into Jake.  
TG: youre no fun  
TG: cant a gal get her sleuth on sometimes  
TT: You just said you didn't want to have to go Crocker on me.  
TG: w/e  
TG: well look i know ur breakup was recent  
TG: what like two weeks ago now  
TT: Two weeks and one day, thanks for the reminder.  
TG: sry  
TG: but he and jane arent around here now and I dont think theyll be back soon  
TG: so you should totes come hang out  
TG: maybe ill even let u help me with this mad kitchen alchemizing if ur not too sulky  
TT: I'm not really feeling it.  
TG: plz?  
TG: mopey doesnt suit your badass persona  
TG: dirk dont give a shit  
TT: Fine, I'll come by for a little while.

_I should be utterly exhausted. I should just be sleeping._ He didn't even feel tired though; copious amounts of caffeine and chronic sleep deprivation had made him practically forget what well-rested felt like.

"Dirk doesn't give a shit." _Yeah, right._ Roxy's words stung a bit, even knowing she meant them as a compliment. They merely served to remind him that his friends took his standoffish demeanor at face value most of the time. _Wouldn't it be convenient to actually think like that? To feel like that? Just flip the emotions switch off and stop caring about dumb shit, like Jake English and how utterly over things with him are._

Roxy was waiting for him when he arrived, a few inedible piles of mush already sitting on the counter.

“I'm still figuring out the logic behind this giant p.o.s.” she explained.

“I didn't say anything.”

Roxy rolled her eyes. “Not with your mouth. Haven't you heard of body language?”

“I resent the implication that my face is anything but an impenetrable vault of hyperadvanced thought. You're making me sound positively plebeian.”

“You're not plebeian. If you were, you wouldn't have a vocabulary with words like plebeian,” Roxy said.

“You know that you could just try one of the recipes your mom left.”

“Nah, that's lame. I wanna try something new!”

“How many of her recipes have you actually even made so far?”

“A few.”

“So just the one?”

“One is like a few. Just a teensy bit less.”

“I think you should master the basics before you try out your ambitious experiments.”

“You would. Luckily, not all of us are so boring.”

Half an hour later, Roxy had managed to cobble together something they could stomach, some sort of chicken in lemon sauce. With that success, Roxy had grudgingly used one of Rose's recipes to make a side of potatoes at Dirk's insistence.

At least the process wasn't dull. The logic behind alchemizing was fascinating; Dirk would have to keep this in mind next time he got bored. Then again, he still wanted to check out some of the technology in Sollux's room, and explore a few other parts of the asteroid. There was a lot he hadn't seen.

“I bet they're beating the shit out of Lord English right now,” Roxy said, triumphantly stabbing a roasted chunk of potato with her fork.

“They said they'd be gone for two weeks, give or take,” Dirk replied. “I doubt they're already at the climactic final battle.”

“I don't get why it's going to take them so long. They have a hero of time and everything, and they're fighting a Lord of Time. Shouldn't it be like, outside of our normal limits of chronology?”

“I don't know. They didn't tell us everything.” Resentment tinted his words, but it was contained enough that Roxy didn't seem to notice.

“Ugh, I know, mom hardly told me anything! I'd be hella pissed except meeting them was awesome anyway. So maybe it's good we didn't get too bogged down on universe battles and stuff. Mom wasn't exactly how I imagined her, but still cool. Obviously the Prospit kids were a little dorky, but pretty nice. I was expecting Jane's Pop-pop to be goofier I guess, but he was way less corny than Jake.”

“Yeah,” Dirk cut into the chicken breast again despite a sinking stomach.

“There's some cake left for dessert if you want some,” Roxy added as she finished her own dinner. “Funfetti with vanilla frosting.”

“Funfetti? I thought Jane reserved that for special occasions.”  
   
“Oh I think she just made an exception.” Roxy's smile was too broad to be sincere, but Dirk appreciated the effort. Jane must have baked it for her two week anniversary with Jake. Cute. Except that it made Dirk want to throw up a little bit.

 _You should be happy for her; you and Jake wouldn't have worked out anyway._  Jane was one of his best friends too. The situation just, frankly, sucked giant donkey ass.

She and Jake were together most of the time, essentially robbing Dirk not only of his ex-boyfriend-formerly-friend but of one of his other pals too. Maybe he'd have to catch up with her on pesterchum. That would be a reasonable way to handle it, without totally losing contact with her. She was also sensible enough not to talk about her relationship with Jake to him. How skeptical, reasonable, sensible Jane put up with Jake was beyond Dirk.

_Well how did you put up with him?_

_Jane's not as shallow as me. It can't just be for the hot sex._

_Oh, so you think they're having hot sex? No, probably not yet. Give it another few weeks._

_I liked Jake for his personality too. It was endearing._

_Endearing? He was clueless, awkward, and a little bit dumb. More like, it was pathetic._

_Pathetic? Well, not as pathetic as you for liking him._

_And still not being over him, by the way, to the point where you're still getting off to him._

“I'm going to go on a walk,” Dirk said abruptly, getting up from the table.

“You don't want cake?”

“Nope, but thanks.”

“Ugh, party pooper. You're being mopey again."

“Nope, just done with dinner,” Dirk replied noncommittally as he departed.

“Well at least stay online, k?” Roxy added as he stepped on the transportalizer. “You should download trollian too; it's way cooler than pesterchum.”  
   
After teleporting and starting the walk back to his room, Dirk found trollian and started downloading it into his shades interface. He didn't really have any desire to talk to any of the trolls, but Rose had liked Kanaya and Roxy thought highly of her too, so it's possible she was someone he'd get along with. _Maybe we'll strike up a friendship. Or just be awkward and distant and have someone else who thinks I'm a heartless robot._

Trollian's interface was a little bit ridiculous, with some sort of non-functional timeline feature. Dirk added Roxy and Jane and Jake, copying the names over with as little thought as he could manage – which was still too much because _You know Jake's just going to try talking to you again in a few days, oblivious to how hard this is on you – or he'll go back to utterly ignoring you because with Jake English, out of sight is out of mind, you know what happened with Jane's birthday_ – and added the screen name Roxy had given him for Kanaya. She was online but idle. Despite having never really talked with her, he added his brother's quasi-girlfriend, Terezi, too.

While he was updating his buddy list, Dirk figured he might as well add Karkat too. Not that he thought he'd ever want to talk to that shouty asswipe.

Surprisingly, carcinoGeneticist, unlike the rest of his contacts, was listed as offline. It was a little weird, since nearly every time Dirk had seen the troll, he'd had his husktop either under one arm or set up in front of him.

A suspicion arose in Dirk's brain. He fiddled a bit and within a minute had his answer: Yup, the troll had blocked him.

 _Wow, we talked what, once and he's already decided I'm obnoxious enough to have blocked?_ It was stupid, and Dirk wasn't sure whether it pissed him off or exasperated him. _Or maybe you're just that abrasive. You weren't exactly friendly last time you saw him._

No, Karkat was a complainer and put up with way more bullshit than Dirk had given him. Regardless of the reason for the block, Dirk started to search for ways around it, just to see if he could. A little digging and a little bit of technical talent, and ten minutes later, Karkat was showing up as online. Success.

Something else had shown up too. In hacking permissions, Dirk had also inadvertently accessed a couple of boards with some memos that had been shared between carcinoGeneticist and others, including a number of screen names he didn't recognize but assumed were deceased trolls, and the beta kids.

 _Interesting. I wonder if this will give me more insight into their session._ Or he just wanted an excuse to see more of what Dave had said. _Stupid addiction to my bro's brilliant artistic creations has leaked into desperation for anything remotely involving him, even this version of him who's still too young to even have a beer._

Dirk sighed and clicked on one of the memos in “FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY.”


	5. WHAT A NOVEL EXPERIENCE

That wasn't supposed to be there. Karkat was very sure that he had seen that name before, and that he had made an active decision to not see it again. After a brief impulse the other day to message Dirk - one he had come too close to following through with - Karkat had done the only sensible thing and blocked him.

After all, nothing good could come of talking to him. Seeing the name disappear had been a relief, and it had been blissfully out of Karkat's sight since. Two days of out of sight, out of mind.

But now, here was timaeusTestified, back on Karkat's buddy list. _What the fuck? How the shit did he do that?_

Karkat opened a window and started typing.

_Didn't you just say nothing good could come of talking to him?_

_Yeah and then that passive-aggressive shitstain bypassed my block. How did he even know I had blocked him?_

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling timaeusTestified [TT] \--

CG: WHAT A FUCKING HILARIOUS TRICK.  
CG: I GET IT. YOU HAVE UNBELIEVABLY FLY TECHNICAL SKILLS. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE SHOWING UP AS ORANGE AND OBNOXIOUS AS EVER IN MY BUDDY LIST.  
CG: NOW THAT YOU'VE HAD YOUR LAUGH, CAN WE JUST SKIP AHEAD TO THE PART WHERE YOU MAKE IT SO I CAN REBLOCK YOU?  
CG: HOW EXACTLY YOU DETERMINED THAT I WAS BLOCKING YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE IS BEYOND ME.  
TT: Your absence was pretty conspicuous, considering I usually see you with your nose six inches from your computer screen.  
TT: Don't flatter yourself though. I really only removed the block to figure out the process of bypassing it.  
TT: I wasn't even planning on talking to you until you messaged me.  
TT: You're the one who chose to stop ignoring me.  
CG: RIGHT, YOU JUST MADE IT SHOW UP SO I'D BE AWARE OF YOUR PRESENCE AND THEN CONTINUE TO MERRILY IGNORE IT.  
CG: I SHOULDN'T EVEN LET THAT VIOLENTLY-ORANGE MONIKER REGISTER IN MY THINK PAN.  
CG: YOUR CHUM HANDLE WILL BE LIKE AIR, OMNIPRESENT BUT NEVER NOTICED BECAUSE IT'S JUST THAT DULL AND UTTERLY IGNORABLE.  
TT: Comparing me to air? Sick burns, dude.  
CG: OH WOW, I DON'T THINK I'M ACQUAINTED WITH THE PHRASE “SICK BURNS” YET.  
CG: I AM SO POSITIVE THAT I'VE NEVER HEARD SUCH A CHOICE PIECE OF SARCASM FROM A POKER-FACED DOUCHE IN SUNGLASSES.  
CG: NOT ONCE BEFORE HAVE I HEARD SUCH A HUMAN REFER TO SOMETHING'S ILL-NESS, OR TO THE HEAT OF AN INSULT.  
CG: IT'S UTTERLY NOVEL TO EXPERIENCE SUCH SARCASM WITH AN EDGE LIKE A FUCKING RAZOR.  
CG: I'M SO GLAD I HAVE YOUR “FRESH” PERSONALITY TO INTRODUCE ME TO ALL THESE THINGS.  
TT: The depth of your analysis awes me.  
TT: I am literally agape at the unfathomable level of understanding you're demonstrating right now.  
CG: YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO USE “LITERALLY” SARCASTICALLY, YOU CRETIN.  
CG: I DON'T CARE HOW FUCKING EDGY YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING, THERE ARE SOME LINES YOU JUST DO NOT CROSS. “LITERALLY” MEANS “LITERALLY” AND DOES NOT IRONICALLY, SARCASTICALLY, OR OTHERWISE MEAN ANYTHING ELSE.  
CG: IT JUST MAKES YOU SOUND LIKE YOUR COMPREHENSION OF YOUR OWN LANGUAGE IS WORSE THAN AN ALIEN'S.  
TT: I'm so sorry, officer. I didn't realize I was speeding in front of the linguistics police.  
TT: What's that? You're trying to ticket me for improper use of vocabulary?  
TT: No offense intended, officer, but I frankly couldn't give a shit.  
CG: THAT WAS ALMOST VAGUELY AMUSING BUT THEN YOU VEERED OFF THE ROAD THERE AT THE END. "NOT GIVING A SHIT" IS SO OVERUSED, EVEN FOR STRIDERS.  
TT: You keep whipping out this half-flaccid phrasing, almost banter but not quite. It's a bit of a let down, dude.  
CG: I FEEL LIKE THERE'S SOME SORT OF INNUENDO IN THERE, BUT THAT MIGHT JUST BE BECAUSE I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER HAD A CONVERSATION WITH A STRIDER THAT DIDN'T SOMEHOW INVOLVE INNUENDO.  
CG: IT MUST BE ONE OF YOUR FORMS OF COMPENSATION FOR BEING HOPELESS AT ROMANCE IN REAL LIFE.  
TT: Once again, I feel faint from the intensity of the gaze with which you see into my soul. Your words ring with an undeniable truth that I cannot escape.  
TT: Or more likely, you're the one projecting.  
TT: From what I gathered from your memos, you're pretty much the go-to guy for romantic problems. Or were, before half your group got killed.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU REFERRING TO?  
TT: You don't seem to have actually have had any relationships yourself though. Except for you stating you thought you might be your own kismesis.  
CG: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU ACCESS THOSE MEMOS?  
TT: Rad skills.  
CG: YOU ARE THE NOSIEST LITTLE FUCK I HAVE EVER MET. I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU NOT ONLY WENT OUT OF YOUR WAY TO ACCESS THOSE, BUT YOU FUCKING READ THEM.  
CG: THOSE WERE PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN MYSELF AND A VERY SELECT GROUP OF FRIENDS, SOME OF WHOM ARE NO LONGER WITH US.  
TT: I didn't go looking for them. They came up when I reversed your block on my chum handle.  
CG: OH, MY BAD. THEY ONLY SHOWED UP WHEN YOU WERE FORCIBLY OVERRIDING MY UTTERLY REASONABLE DECISION TO IGNORE CYBER-CONTACT FROM YOU.  
CG: YOU WERE ONLY TRYING TO INFLICT YOUR BRUTALLY IRRITATING PRESENCE ON ME AGAINST MY WILL, NOT TRYING TO ACCESS A SERIES OF OUTDATED, CONFIDENTIAL MEMOS.  
CG: I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT YOU ARE HOPELESSLY BEHIND THE TIMES IF YOU ARE MAKING ANY JUDGEMENT OF MY CHARACTER BASED ON THOSE.  
CG: THAT WAS ME THREE FUCKING YEARS AGO. I WAS PRACTICALLY A DIFFERENT PERSON THEN.  
TT: I wouldn't be proud of 13 year old you either.  
CG: BECAUSE I'M SURE YOU FIND YOUR YOUNGER SELF TO BE A PINNACLE OF SANITY, CALM, AND SOUND DECISION-MAKING SKILLS.  
TT: My thirteen year old self wasn't that obnoxious. What was obnoxious was having him literally follow me for the next three years.  
TT: At least your alternate self shenanigans were restricted to dumb notes on a chat client.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO? YOU AREN'T A TIME PLAYER.  
TT: I created an Auto Responder. When I was thirteen. So I essentially had another version of myself trapped in a pair of sunglasses. Completely self-aware, I should add.  
CG: WHY IN THE EVERLIVING FUCK WOULD YOU WANT TO CREATE ANOTHER VERSION OF YOURSELF?  
CG: OH WAIT – EGO.  
CG: WITH A HEAD THAT FULL OF HOT AIR, I'M SURPRISED YOU MANAGE TO KEEP YOUR FEET ON THE GROUND  
CG: AND NOT JUST FLOAT AWAY INTO A MAGICAL LAND OF ENDLESS, UNINTERRUPTED SELF-OBSESSION.  
TT: You could use some work on your metaphors there.  
TT: The hot air thing for egos is way overdone. I'm gonna have to deduct some points of lack of creativity.  
CG: WOW, SO NOW YOU'RE CORRECTING MY FIGURES OF SPEECH TOO?  
CG: THIS ONLY FURTHER EMPHASIZES MY CONCLUSION THAT YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTELY INSUFFERABLE NOOKLICKER.  
TT: I think the word you're looking for is “bulgemuncher."  
TT: No offense to our female friends but getting face-deep in lady bits isn't my idea of a good time.  
CG: WAIT, ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU'RE A HOMOSEXUAL?  
TT: Technically, yes, though I don't really see the point of such quaint terminology.  
CG: WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH YOU HUMANS? SOME OF YOU SELF-IDENTIFY AS “NOT A HOMOSEXUAL” BUT OTHERS OF YOU ARE UNABASHED HOMOSEXUALS, BUT DON'T WANT TO BE LABELLED AS SUCH. AND SOME OF YOU, LIKE ROSE, ARE SIMULTANEOUSLY HOMOSEXUAL AND NOT HOMOSEXUAL AT THE SAME TIME.  
TT: Dude if you want a rundown on sexual orientation in humans, all you had to do is ask the internet.  
CG: I'M WELL-AWARE OF THE MAGICALLY EDUCATIONAL ASPECTS OF THE INTERNET, FUCKWIT. THIS IS ALL IN REGARDS TO PERSONAL INTERACTIONS WITH YOU HUMANS.  
CG: THERE'S A SURPRISING AMOUNT OF VARIATION AND SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE TERMINOLOGY COMING FROM WHAT I HAVE LEARNED FROM MY EXTENSIVE CULTURAL RESEARCH TO BE A “HETERO-NORMATIVE” SOCIETY.   
TT: Who did you try to hit on who told you they weren't a homosexual?  
CG: THAT'S NOT ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS.  
TT: Process of elimination points to John.  
TT: He shot you down on the sole basis of sexual orientation? Harsh.  
CG: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN BY PROCESS OF ELIMINATION? I NEVER SAID IT WAS JOHN.  
TT: You and Dave were clearly still black flirting so I doubt it's him, and Jake and I just arrived. After Jake's rather personal experiences with some genuine phallus, I really don't think he could pull the “not a homosexual” line.  
TT: Which leaves John. It also explains why he's a little awkward around you.  
CG: ANY AWKWARDNESS IN MY INTERACTIONS WITH JOHN IS ENTIRELY HIS FAULT.  
CG: THAT CRUSH WAS YEARS AGO. I AM SO OVER HIM.  
CG: NOT THAT MY ROMANTIC LIFE IS ANY OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS.  
CG: REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU THINK FROM SO CLOSELY PERUSING THE OVERFLOWING SHIT MINE THAT IS THE FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY.  
TT: And Rainbow Rumpus Party Town. Apparently you all were havin' such an incredible rumpus that you couldn't keep it to one board.  
TT: Regarding your point though, Fruity Rumpus Asshole Factory did include other people discussing their relationship problems as much as you venting about yours. You're the town bicycle for relationship bitching.  
CG: IS THIS SOME SORT OF WEIRD ASHEN COME-ON OR ARE YOU JUST SETTING UP TO LAY INTO ME FURTHER WITH YOUR “SICK BURNS”?  
CG: BECAUSE YOUR POORLY-WIRED, HALF-FUNCTIONAL THINK PAN CAN'T CONTAIN MORE THAN A COUPLE OF TIRED, EXTREMELY PASSE LINES OF INSULT.  
CG: YOU ARE SO PATHETICALLY OBNOXIOUS THAT I DON'T EVEN WANT TO WASTE MY TIME ARGUING WITH YOU.  
TT: Yet you are anyway.  
TT: So in that respect, I fail to see much differentiation between your past self and your current self.  
TT: There's not much evidence of you changing shit, actually.  
CG: WHEN THE FUCK DID YOU GET ALL THE TIME TO READ THOSE MEMOS ANYWAY?  
CG: HAVE YOU JUST BEEN SITTING IN YOUR ROOM, REREADING THE RAMBLINGS OF THIRTEEN YEAR OLDS FOR THE PAST TWO DAYS?  
TT: I can read them anywhere I want. Unlike you, I'm not restricted to use of the internet when I have my laptop, thanks to my shades.  
CG: MY HUSKTOP IS PERFECTLY FUNCTIONAL AND CONVENIENT. YOUR SHADES MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE THE BIGGEST, SHINIEST TOOL IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING HARDWARE STORE.  
CG: DO YOU TRY TO DRESS LIKE THE WORLD'S BIGGEST ASSHOLE WITH A SIDE OF ANIME DWEEB, OR DOES IT JUST COME AS NATURALLY TO YOU?  
TT: It's an uncontrollable side effect of being way more fuckin' awesome than your xenocerebrum can process.  
CG: DID YOU JUST ACTUALLY SAY IT'S PART OF YOU BEING AWESOME? BECAUSE I HAVE SOME NEWS THAT MAY ROCK YOUR SAD LITTLE WORLD, IF THAT'S THE CASE.  
CG: LOOKING LIKE A BRO CROSSED WITH A WEEABOO CONVENTION DOES NOT MAKE ONE LOOK AWESOME IN THE SLIGHTEST.  
TT: Says the guy so fashionably dressed in gray jeans and a black t-shirt which he never changes. At least the other trolls have some color to their get-ups.  
TT: Do you ever even wash that shirt? The fade on the design is pretty consistent.  
CG: AS FLATTERED – NO, THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT WORD – DISTURBED AS I AM BY THE FACT THAT YOU SO CLOSELY EXAMINE MY WARDROBE CHOICES, NO, IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.  
CG: THIS IS ABSOLUTELY IDIOTIC.  
CG: I DO NOT HAVE TO JUSTIFY MY FASHION CHOICES TO YOU.  
CG: NICE TRY.  
TT: Very nice try, actually, since you're goin' off the rails about how important it is to you to not justify them.  
CG: WELL THIS HAS BEEN A BARREL OF SHIT-FLINGING MONKEYS, BUT WHY DON'T YOU STOP FUCKING AROUND AND RE-BLOCK ME NOW THAT YOU'VE HAD YOUR LAUGH?  
TT: No can do.

Karkat had blocked Dirk precisely because he didn't want to have to put up with this bullshit. Karkat was not going to engage with another Strider. 

_You mean get a caliginous crush on another Strider?_

_Wow, way to get ahead of yourself. Because the last two times you got a crush on a human, that went over really well._

_At least this one's not “not a homosexual”._

_No, the complete and utter amount of incompatibility here just relies on sheer force of personality. Also he looks like a douche._

_How are you even fucking thinking about this like some actual iota of possibility exists with some putrid sack of pink-skinned meat you've only talked to twice?_

CG: IN THAT CASE, YOU LEAVE ME NO FUCKING CHOICE.  
CG: I'M WALKING AWAY.  
TT: From your computer? Have fun with that.  
TT: Nice of you to announce it. I would feel so lost and confused if suddenly denied this steady stream of warm, heartfelt blabber.

Karkat glared at his husktop. 

_Not going to argue. Not going to go back to ripping that cocky prick a new asshole._

_Actually I think he was winning._

_Who am I kidding? If I don't stay on the computer, I have absolutely nothing to do._

Kanaya was online. Maybe she was actually up to something not completely miserable. 

\-- carcinoGeneticist  [CG] started trolling grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] \--  
CG: PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE AROUND.  
GA: I Am.  
GA: However I Was About To Depart to Prepare Dinner  
GA: You May Join Me If You're So Inclined  
CG: UGH FINE.  
\-- carcinoGeneticist  [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] \--

Karkat stalked out of his room down to meet Kanaya. No sign of Dirk, but Roxy was there; Kanaya apparently hadn't arrived yet. 

“Hello!” If Roxy was surprised to see him, she didn't show it when she looked up from her half-finished piece of cake. “Do you want some? It's a few days old but it's totally still good. I think Jane forgot about it. Besides, she likes excuses to bake more, so really you'd be doing her a favor.” 

“Consuming slowly rotting hunks of dessert every night may seem just peachy to you, but I'll pass. Does Jane ever stop baking?” 

“Pretty much nope.” 

“Wonderful. Because that's exactly what we need, more fucking cake instead of someone learning how to actually make something remotely nutritious.” 

“Hey, I cooked a fine piece of chicken earlier.” 

Karkat rolled his eyes. “Cooked? Regardless of whatever barely edible slop any of you has somehow managed to produce, all the futzing around with the alchemizer has yet to suggest that anyone on this rock has real culinary skills.” 

Roxy rolled her eyes and scraped some frosting off her plate. 

“Dirk said practically the same thing. You both need to calm it with this serious business approach to terminology. Half the shit here's straight out of a sci-fi movie; our usual lingo has to be artistically applied here. Gotta be a little less realistic and a little more abstract, capture of the feel of it.” 

“Yeah, and I feel that no one here knows how to make fucking food.” 

“Speak for yourself. By the way, you realize you can sit down, right? You're not gonna catch human cooties, I promise. If that was possible, Kanaya definitely wouldn't still be with us.” 

“Unless my rainbow drinker abilities provide me with an atypical immunity.” Kanaya added as she appeared. She headed to the table and Karkat reluctantly did likewise. “However, that seems unlikely seeing as Terezi was also unaffected by any sort of cross-species ailment.” 

_Terezi and Dave, passing cooties back and forth. Swapping spit._

“We are not getting into another discussion of troll-human sloppy make-outs!” 

“Now there's definitely a story behind that,” Roxy said, grinning. “I want all the gory deets!” 

“No,” Karkat replied flatly, turning back to Kanaya. “So I'm here for dinner or whatever you had in mind.” 

“So I see. I'm glad to see you've joined me, and without your husktop,” she said. 

“I don't bring my husktop everywhere.” 

“Since the new guests arrived you have -” 

“Guests? What are we, a hotel now? I refuse to dignify this miserable tin can of labyrinths and claustrophobia with enough hominess for anyone to qualify as a guest.” 

“You haven't been without your personal computing device.” Kanaya seemed unperturbed by the interjection. “Is there a reason you don't have it with you today?” 

“No, I just decided that I had been missing out on your sparkling personality and the joys of uninterrupted face-to-face company for far too long.” 

“If something's bothering you, I would be happy to help, but I can't do any such thing if you're going to be petulant.” 

As Karkat flushed with annoyance – because she was right, in a way, not that he'd tell her that – he suddenly remembered that Roxy was here and watching their conversation, her amusement only half-disguised. At the mention of Karkat not having his computer, her smile quirked, and a thought hit him. 

_Why the hell did Dirk decide to contact you when he did? Did Roxy say something?_

Unfortunately, inquiring would let both Roxy and Kanaya know precisely why he wasn't using his computer. 

_Because you have confused feelings – No, because a fucking human is out-of-this-world levels of obnoxious. And there's no reason to let anyone else know._

_Yeah, and you're so good at keeping secrets. Especially about yourself and your tangle of utterly ridiculous emotions._

Karkat thought of Dave again and his heart sunk. He had been far too transparent about his true feelings there, as much as he'd said it was platonic. Rose and Kanaya must both have known how he felt, though they were too polite to ever say it. They must have known how pathetic and hopeless it was. Having an impossible crush was bad enough; having everyone else know was even worse. 

_Besides, I don't even really hate Dirk. He's irritating as shit but it's almost kind of sad. His Autoresponder, damn, what sort of idiot ends up trolling himself?_

_You mean besides you?_

When Karkat's lack of an answer led Roxy to jump in with a different topic, he just let her. She and Kanaya had a pleasant enough conversation, for them, he supposed. Karkat did little more than occasionally quip when one of them said something particularly dumb. He stayed long enough for Kanaya to cook and proceeded to pick at his food before excusing himself. 

_Even Kanaya doesn't really want to talk with you much. She'd rather chat with Rose's ecto-relative than the person she's allegedly been friends with for five years. Not that you're a particularly good conversationalist lately anyway. Do you even have any real friends?_

When Karkat returned to his computer, Dirk had stopped messaging him. 

_Dave would have left a few final insults. Dirk can't even be bothered to give you that kind of attention._

The embarrassment about having his old memos dug up wasn't pleasant. Nevertheless, Karkat found him scrolling through the old memos, rereading to masochistically recall exactly what he had said. Who you had been. 

Tavros's relationship problems. Eridan's relationship problems. Eridan's murderous rampage. Gamzee's murderous rampage. Dave and John both being insufferable dicks. Terezi's mockery of Karkat's plan to troll the humans. 

The whirlwind of emotions it all brought up in Karkat was messy and heavy, but he couldn't stop reading. 

_I thought I was done with this past and future self bullshit. The only one haunting me should be current me. But it's not like I have anyone else right now._

_Well, Gamzee as a palemate. Kind of._

_Kanaya as a friend. And how well did that just go?_

_So, no, not really anyone else. Just me._


	6. Something Productive

Contrary to Karkat's accusation, Dirk hadn't spent the last two days in his room. He had wandered while he scrolled through the memos on his shades, reading them with the sort of sick fascination usually reserved for twenty-car highway pile-ups. His footsteps echoed as he walked through mazes of artificially lit corridors, but the way it emphasized the emptiness didn't bother him. The only exception had been the second night, when he reached the portion written during Gamzee's murder spree.

_It was late anyway._

The rising anxiety served as good a reason as any to get back to his room – _Dave's room_ – to rest.

The juggalo troll had been creepy though mostly harmless in the brief interaction Dirk had with him. Not that he had been particularly happy about the creation of Arquius.

Dirk couldn't say he missed the sprite, yet the thought of him made his stomach sink. It shouldn't feel like such a personal loss, but it did. Really, he'd been glad to distance himself from AR, to just give the autoresponder the damn body he'd wanted for so long so they could both move on. Hell, not an hour before Dirk had given in to Lil Hal's persuasion, he had been one brutal snap away from destroying that cocky, all-too-familiar splinter of himself. Dirk was in no moral position to be bemoaning that loss.

But he did, a little. He should have felt relieved to lose all those narcissist slivers – Brobot, Lil Hal, even his creations that didn't so directly draw on his own likeness such as Sebastian and Sawtooth and Squarewave – but the loss of each felt a bit like losing part of himself. They had been a frustration, but also a comfort, even a defense mechanism placing another layer between Dirk and the world. But they had been destroyed, like bits of stone slowly being chipped off his facade, revealing something too real and too bare beneath.

Karkat, on the other hand, had his alternate selves safely petrified in memos, no longer able to hassle him. The troll suffered from his past and future selves now and again, like with the most recent memo that used the hemotyping, but he actively brought it on himself. Karkat only experienced taunting and raging from himself in rash, pseudo-self-reflective moments.

_Because the decision to create Lil Hal wasn't rash at all._

_No, worse: it was carefully planned and executed, and look how it turned out._

_It wasn't motivated by the best idea though. Sure he was meant to troll your friends, but you also created him for company because you can't connect with people properly._

_You're broken._

Figuratively broken, in so many ways. Emotions, sense of self, all the other quasi-selves or parts thereof. Dirk wondered briefly whether Karkat ever contemplated his alternate selves like this.

_No, he was too busy worrying about whether he was his own kismesis or not. Too concerned about no one loving him to consider any other ramifications._

_As if you don't care that no one loves you. As if you don't give a shit that your only relationship was a one-sided, awkward disaster. No, you're much too busy getting twisted up in your existential angst about who you are and who you were and whether that's changed and whether that matters._

_And getting twisted up in wondering how much of yourself you've lost._

When robots were destroyed, did they continue on in dream bubbles? Not usually, probably, but what about sentient ones? It seemed only fair. Lil Hal had been more cognizant than most flesh-and-blood creatures. But the multiverse wasn't “fair.”

_Of course, none of us will survive in any sense, dream bubbles or not, if Lord English succeeds._

Karkat had been right though, in that memo. What did death really matter if one just continued, sentient and embodied and essentially unchanged, just in different surroundings? It seemed like such a dumb question, and of course Karkat had gotten too distracted by antagonizing himself to answer it , but upon reflection, Dirk didn't have an answer either.

_I sure as hell don't have any meaning in my life. Our role in the game was to wait. Now that the real heroes have arrived and gone again, it's still to wait. And if they return, what then? You certainly won't help with repopulating the species. What will you do, wait to die?_

_Death might be more promising. Your real brother, your universe's version, the one you wanted to meet, he's out there in a dream bubble somewhere. With eternity, you'd find him._

Dirk jerked his thoughts back to reality. Mainstream religions – suicide bombers aside – heavily discouraged killing one's self despite painting rosy pictures of the afterlife for believers. But when one knew with certainty the existence and conditions of the afterlife, it seemed more of an incentive to die than a reason to avoid it.

_Shame you'd be equally useless there. There's more that you want there, but even less you can do. Besides, you have no noble cause to martyr yourself for, no last hurrah. You're just bored, and you miss your brother._

Dirk's meanderings were finally interrupted when the vast stretches of nothing but hallway and locked doors were broken. Entrance unimpeded, he stepped into a large room he hadn't been to before. A sour smell lingered in the air, broken glass scattered on the floor. There were a few computers to one side, but they weren't what caught his eye.

No, bad odors and run-of-the-mill technology aside, Dirk was drawn to what comprised the bulk of the mass in the room: robots. Life-sized, humanoid robots. Most were half-complete, but a few appeared to be mostly intact.

He had found Equius's workshop.

Dirk knelt to examine one that appeared whole but, like all the others here, damaged. The build and design was not unlike Brobot, though it obviously took aesthetic touches from a troll rather than a human model.

Running a hand over cold metal panels, Dirk felt for seams in the surface until he located the control box. Flipping it open, he saw that the insides were alien in design, foreign right down to the color-coding scheme, but that was to be expected.

_Others might find it weird that you're going through a dead guy's stuff._

Dirk looked for troll manuals on robotics, searching the computers and the room for files, notes, anything that might help him translate his knowledge to the technical aptitude necessary to get the troll-designed robot working again.

It was a perfect opportunity to keep himself occupied with something productive. Also, once he was successful it would give him an opportunity to practice his strife skills again. A new opponent, programmed by someone else, would be quite valuable. As complex as Brobot was, it still had ultimately been based in Dirk's own knowledge. Or, conversely, his own moves were influenced by teaching himself to fight with Brobot, by him learning to react to it. Whatever the causality, new opponents were a welcome opportunity.

_You could ask someone to strife with you. Jane would probably be willing, and Jake certainly would. Not that you'd really want to do so with either of them. Maybe some of the trolls too. And Roxy._

Roxy was the only real possibility though, and she seemed like she had better things to keep her busy. How was Dirk supposed to just say to a troll, “Hey, I hardly know you, but I think we should beat the shit out of each other, just to practice my mad skills with my katana”. Kanaya didn't seem the type to strife recreationally, Karkat would probably take it as a come-on, and Terezi, he didn't know enough about to say.

He did miss Brobot.

As he worked, Dirk kept an eye on his trollian list. He wasn't waiting for anyone to message him, not really, but he did consider contacting Roxy. While he had plenty of Doritos to keep him sated for now, eating them three meals a day wasn't a nutritious diet, especially not if he wanted to get back into fighting properly.

Jane was online. Flicking through his history Dirk saw that he hadn't actually messaged her since they arrived. They'd run into each other briefly but it'd been too long since they actually chatted. He felt a little sick thinking of her and Jake but he realized the heavy feeling was more than just envy. It was guilt. Guilt at becoming so markedly distant since she got together with Jake. They had talked about it briefly when it first happened but that had been it. Actually that was the last time they'd chatted here.

Dirk wanted to message her. He'd been meaning to do so for days. It was just that every time he tried, he just couldn't bring himself to do it.

_You're being stupid. You don't have enough friends here to waste the friendships you do have._

_She's probably already pissed at you for giving her the silent treatment._

_She hasn't messaged you either, though, so maybe she's fine with not talking. Maybe she was friends with you primarily because like yourself, she had so few options, and she was destined to be in the game with you. Maybe now she doesn't need you any more, and hence she no longer wants to maintain contact._

_That's both self-defeating and untrue. She just wants to give you some space. She feels just as awkward about this as you do. She probably doesn't know what to say either._

Still, Dirk left her chum handle untouched. Maybe tomorrow.

Dirk made intermittent progress, brief breakthroughs following long stretches of reading and rereading, confirming that he was translating the Alternian correctly before tinkering with the more delicate parts of the circuitry. In contrast, the mechanical aspects - tightening screws, beating dents out of its metal body, swapping one damaged arm for another from the piece from the robotic forms - were relaxing.

In the midst of his work, a notification popped up in Dirk's shades. One trollian notification, probably Roxy.

He opened it. It wasn't Roxy; it was Jake.

\-- golgothasTerror  [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--  
GT: Blimey you haven't gotten yourself lost in the bowels of this great big tin can have you?  
GT: I haven't heard a peep out of you in ages! Sure you havent been swallowed up by the maw of this futuristic beast?  
GT: Roxy says she's seen you but youve always told me to be more skeptical and so im not believing it until i see you with my own two eyes or at least see you typing on pesterchum!!!  
TT: I admire your valiant effort to not be a complete sucker, but I can assure you that Roxy was indeed reporting with veracity.  
GT: Aha i knew you were still around!  
GT: But seriously i havent gotten a proper chat with you in much too long.  
GT: You said things wouldnt be weird after our breakup.  
GT: But i do believe im starting to miss the company of my best bro!  
TT: You were the one who said it wouldn't be weird. I believe my response was “Mmm.”  
GT: Yes well i said the words and you agreed.  
GT: Wait unless youre suggesting that ive read you wrong all along and actually youre feeling a wee bit off about this whole situation.  
GT: In which case id be happy as a clam to well clam up and give you more space if thats what you need.  
TT: No, it's fine.  
GT: Excellent! So glad to hear that were past all that strange exboyfriend nonsense.  
GT: We can go back to being the best of bros and hanging out again!  
TT: What do you have in mind for said hangin' out?  
GT: I dont know perhaps a spot of strife?  
GT: Oh or you could join jane and i tonight. Were going to watch this great troll classic.  
GT: Did you know their movie titles are at least a paragraph long? Because theyve released so many movies they cant just name them with a few words or even a full sentence any more.  
GT: There are hundreds of thousands of troll movies. Can you believe that?!  
GT: Theres really a silver lining to this trapped on the meteor business. What a cultural treasure trove we have here ready to be ransacked!  
GT: Jane says she hasn't seen much of you lately either so thisll be right on the mark.  
GT: Wait janes telling me that might be a little strange.  
GT: But weve worked it out havent we? It'll be just dandy.  
GT: Besides we can invite roxy too. Heck ill invite the whole gang humans and aliens alike!  
GT: What do you say?  
TT: I'm going to have to pass.  
GT: Drats! Whys that?  
GT: Do you have some other exciting plans that our humble movie night cant measure up to?  
TT: Yeah, I actually found some sweet robots I've been working on.  
TT: The tech's pretty advanced and different than what I'm used to, so it's kinda a mentally demanding task.  
TT: So I should get going.  
TT: Bye, Jake.  
GT: Alrighty then.  
GT: Well find another time to chew the fat sometime soon!  
\-- timaeusTestified  [TT] ceased trolling golgothasTerror  [GT] \--

_And so Jake remains as oblivious as ever. Well, he asked if it was awkward. Shame his new-found skepticism doesn't apply to anything more than the most cursory of inquiries._

For a moment there, Dirk had actually expected Jake to want to spend some one-on-one time together. Not anything serious, of course, but actually catching up. Not just proposing to hang out with him and his girlfriend. Oh, and Roxy, and maybe some trolls, because that would absolutely remove all weirdness from the situation.

_If only it were that simple. If the world was as simple as Jake English saw it, everything would be a hell of a lot more manageable._

Not for the first time, Dirk wondered how he had managed to date Jake for three months without going crazy.

_Sex. Desperation for companionship. Blind love. Not being with him long enough to get past how dorky and cute his mannerisms were, not yet reaching the point where they became intolerably irritating._

_Well, his naivety has certainly reached the point of tiresome. It's no longer endearing in the slightest._

Dirk attempted to return his attention to the work at hand. Much more productive than lingering on Jake.

_If only it were that simple._

_It could be that simple if you just fucking concentrated._

Almost. His mind strayed some, but diving back into the robot gave him focus. As the hours passed, the heavy feeling from the conversation slowly evaporated. Eventually, a new feeling replaced it, and it took Dirk a while to place it.

 _Oh, right._  Hunger.

Stomach growling, he checked the time. It was almost midnight. This wasn't the first time he'd been so distracted by robotics. Of course by now, he was too tired to bother fiddling with the alchemizer for dinner. Doritos it was again.

On his way out, he grabbed one of the Alternian robotics manuals, placing it under his arm so he didn't have to try to figure out where he'd place it in his carefully categorized sylladex. Though he later realized the hall was fairly close to Karkat's quarters, Dirk was still briefly surprised when he saw the troll walking by.

“How was movie night?” Karkat asked as they neared each other, rolling his eyes.

“Did Jake try to strong-arm you into going to that too?”

“His brain must have been gnawed away by some parasite to be so absolutely out of touch with reality to think I might want to spend a single minute of my time in his presence."

Karkat stopped, leaning against the wall and shaking his head in exasperation. There were faint bags under his eyes, but Dirk's attention flickered past them to the deep, inky pupils. Pausing, Dirk debated how rude it'd be to just brush past him. And whether he actually wanted to just continue on his way or not.

_Of course you want to get going. It's not like he has anything of substance to say._

“I don't know; I didn't go either.”

“So you must be the one who he said was a 'maybe.' I was extraordinarily skeptical when he assured me almost everyone was definitely attending.”

“Counted the 'maybes' as 'yeses' and the 'nos' as 'maybes'? As optimistic as always.”

“I've seen optimistic. Optimistic don't even begin to describe that idiot. Try straight-up deluded.”

_He has a point. Jake is pretty out of touch with how people are actually feeling, as he so plainly demonstrated earlier today._

_Yeah, but Karkat hardly knows him. What's he so worked up about? Just an invite to a movie night?_

“You hardly know him,” Dirk said.

“I can say with absolute certainty that I know more about him than I ever needed to. In fact, I don't think there's much more there is to know; how much substance can you contain in a brain that tiny?”

“Did he reject one of your fabulously unsuccessful interspecies come-ons too?”

"I think I'm going to  _literally_  be sick." Karkat doubled over in faux distress, glaring at Dirk. "Fuck you," he went on as he straightened back up. "Congratulations, do you want a prize for coming up with the most simultaneously insulting and idiotic comment yet? There isn't an atom in me that feels anything but exasperation towards that moron."

Dirk smirked. “Come on, I read your memos, remember? You usually only get worked up like that when there's been some romantic drama, and I don't think Jake has been rambling to you about his romantic problems.”

“No! God, can't anyone understand what PLATONIC hate means? Unlike you, I don't have any unresolved issues with Jake.”

Cold anger seized Dirk's heart and he suddenly was quite done with this conversation.

“Get out of my way.”

Karkat looked defiant for a moment, then crumpled. The troll slinked back against the wall, silent as Dirk strode by. The only sound in the hall was his footsteps.


	7. Falling Hard and Fast

It took a moment for Karkat to realize just how irrevocably stupid the words he'd just blurted out were. As insulting as Dirk's comment had been, upon reflection it had obviously been a joke. Instead of coming up with a clever response, Karkat had just retorted with a factual but entirely uncalled for reminder of Dirk's recent breakup.

_And you wonder why you have trouble with romance. No one's interested in you in either concupiscent quadrant because you're neither clever nor endearing nor truly loathsome. You're just obnoxious._

Karkat remained leaning against the wall, thinking What a stupid comment over and over, long after Dirk's footsteps faded. He had been on his way to try to find Gamzee, but suddenly the effort didn't seem worth it. He could just message his moirail from his room, if Gamzee was even willing to listen. 

_You're the shitty one in that relationship too. When was the last time you actually calmed him down? All you do on the few occasions he actually responds is ramble about your issues._

Shame made Karkat's body feel heavy, something he had to drag up and fight to move even a single step. It was times like this when he realized how little he could do right.

_Dirk's not going to want to talk to you again after that bullshit._

_Why does that matter? You've said you don't want to interact with him._

_Except you actually do._

Well, it made sense, if only because Karkat didn't have a lot of people to talk to. And, he had to grudgingly admit, he felt some kinship with the alternate selves issue.

But Dirk's folly of self-sabotage had stopped with his autoresponder. It had bothered him for three years, but now it was gone. Meanwhile, Karkat was still actively digging himself into deeper holes, with not even splinters, but his own self as of just a few minutes ago.

Back in his room, Karkat dragged a blanket and a few pillows he'd taken from the common area into a makeshift pile. Yes, piles were kind of stupid, but he needed something to relax in when he didn't want to sleep. He flipped open his husktop, making a note to grab more pillows next time he was out and about.

\-- carcinoGeneticist  [CG] began trolling terminallyCapricious  [TC] \--  
CG: I'M PRETTY SURE BEING PALEMATES REQUIRES NON-ELECTRONIC INTERACTION FROM TIME TO TIME.  
CG: I REALIZE I'VE BEEN A BIT OF A RECLUSE BUT I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN PERSON IN LITERALLY MONTHS.  
CG: CAN YOU JUST STOP PLAYING UP THE MYSTERIOUS, HALF-CRAZY CLOWN SHIT AND SHOW YOURSELF AGAIN SO WE CAN HAVE A REAL-LIFE FEELINGS JAM?  
CG: I'M EVEN WORKING ON CONSTRUCTING A PILLOW PILE. IT'LL BE FUCKING GREAT.  
CG: I'LL GO ON ABOUT MY NEVER-ENDING, POLLUTION-FILLED WATERFALL OF UNREQUITED FEELINGS, LISTENING TO THE ROAR AS THEY CRASH DOWN INTO THE LAKE OF NO HOPE. YOU CAN MAKE CRYPTIC REFERENCES TO THINGS I'VE NEVER HEARD OF AND TALK ABOUT HOW YOU ARE INEXPLICABLY COMPELLED TO KILL PEOPLE.  
CG: THEN WE'LL SHOOSH-PAP THE FUCK OUT OF EACH OTHER AND HAVE SOME QUALITY PALE CUDDLE TIME.  
CG: WHAT DO YOU SAY?  
CG: OK I KNOW I SHOULDN'T BE MAKING THIS ABOUT YOU NOT BEING AROUND ANY MORE.  
CG: I'VE BEEN DUMPING A LOT OF MY ISSUES ON YOU LATELY.  
CG: IS THAT WHY YOU AREN'T RESPONDING? BECAUSE I AM NOT AMUSED BY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BULLSHIT. IF YOU WANT TO RANT AND RAVE MORE ABOUT YOUR STUFF THAT'S COOL.  
CG: LOOK, WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS, I JUST WANT TO HAVE SOME MUCH NEEDED MOIRALLEGIANCE TIME, OK? CAN WE JUST MAKE THAT HAPPEN?  
CG: I KNOW YOU PROBABLY HAVE A LOT ELSE GOING ON – OH NO, WAIT, YOU DON'T. YOU'RE STUCK ON THIS SAME STUPID METEOR THAT I'M ON, AND THERE'S FUCK-ALL TO DO HERE.  
CG: I KNOW, I KNOW, I'M GETTING SNARKY AGAIN.  
CG: WILL YOU JUST FUCKING ANSWER ME ALREADY?  
CG: IF YOU'RE AWAY FOR A MINUTE, THAT'S FINE, BUT SOMETIMES IT'S A FULL WEEK BETWEEN RESPONSES.  
CG: IT'S GETTING RIDICULOUS. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE AT YOUR COMPUTER, I'M SURE WE CAN ALCHEMIZE YOU SOME SORT OF PORTABLE COMPUTING DEVICE.  
CG: JUST DON'T MAKE SHADES. ME AND PEOPLE WITH SHADES HAVEN'T BEEN GETTING ALONG.  
CG: SHIT. YOU'RE GOING TO COME BACK AND SEE THIS VAST WALL OF TEXT.  
CG: IF YOU DON'T BOTHER TO READ THE WHOLE THING, THE POINT IS, GET IN TOUCH WITH ME, YOU CRANNYCRACKER. PREFERABLY BEFORE I DIE OF OLD AGE.

Karkat started to reread all that he had just left for Gamzee. Not for the first time, he wished there was an option on trollian to delete sent messages. Before he could finish, a new message appeared. Terezi.

\-- gallowsCalibrator[GC]began trolling carcinoGeneticist[CG] \--  
GC: K4RKL3S!  
GC: YOU 4R3 UP UNUSUALLY L4T3  
CG: I WAS ABOUT TO GO TO SLEEP.  
GC: L4M3  
CG: YES BECAUSE NOT SUFFERING FROM INSOMNIA IS THE HEIGHT OF UNCOOL.  
CG: WHY ARE YOU UP?  
GC: 1 C4NT SL33P. 1 W4NT TO V1S1T C4N TOWN BUT 1 TH1NK 1T M1GHT M4K3 M3 M1SS D4V3 >:|  
CG: I'M SURE YOUR MOCKERY OF A MUNICIPALITY WILL STILL BE THERE FOR YOU WHEN HE GETS BACK.  
GC: Y34H, BUT 1TS LON3LY R1GHT NOW  
GC: MY H4RDWORKING C1T1Z3NS M1SS M3!  
CG: HERE IS WHERE I WOULD RELENTLESSLY TEASE YOU FOR YOUR CHILDISH HOBBY IF THERE WERE ANY BETTER ALTERNATIVES HERE.  
CG: SCRATCH THAT. IT TURNS OUT THAT DESPITE THE SOUL-SUCKING LEVELS OF ENNUI THAT PENETRATE EVERY INCH OF THIS METEOR, THERE ARE STILL A NUMBER OF THINGS TO DO THAT DON'T INVOLVE STOOPING TO THE LEVEL OF PLAYING PRETEND WITH A BUNCH OF METAL FOOD CYLINDERS.  
GC: YOU C4NNOT F41RLY D1SM1SS TH3 D3PTH OF TH3 HOP3S 4ND DR34MS OF TH3S3 LOY4L C1T1Z3NS W1THOUT 3XPOSUR3 TO TH3M  
GC: 4 V1S1T W1LL 3NL1GHT3N YOU, NOT TO M3NT1ON CUR3 YOUR OWN BOR3DOM  
CG: I'M NOT BORED. I HAVE A WIDE VARIETY OF ENGAGING, INTELLECTUALLY STIMULATING ACTIVITIES AT MY FINGERTIPS.  
GC: YOU JUST S41D TH4T TH1S PLACE 1S F1LL3D W1TH 3NNU1  
GC: TH3 JURY 4LSO R3GR3TS TO 1NFORM YOU TH4T W4TCH1NG HUM4N MOV13S ON YOUR HUSKTOP 3V3RY HOUR OF YOUR W4K1NG L1F3 DO3S NOT COUNT AS 1NT3LL3CTU4LLY ST1MUL4T1NG  
GC: 1F YOU R34LLY W4NT V4R13TY, YOU'LL COM3 3XP3R13NC3 C4N TOWN AND 1TS DIV3RS3 M3NU OF 4CT1V1T13S & 3V3NTS.  
CG: YES, THAT'S WHAT CAN TOWN NEEDS: A MENU. BECAUSE IT'S MADE OF CANS OF FOOD. THEY SHOULD BE USED FOR EATING, NOT FOR GAMES OF PRETEND.  
CG: OR THEY WOULD IF THEY WEREN'T UNBELIEVABLY ANCIENT. THAT FOOD IS SO MANY CENTURIES OLD I DOUBT MY LUSUS WOULD HAVE TOUCHED IT.  
GC: YOU 4R3NT R34LLY PL4NN1NG ON GOING TO SL33P, 4R3 YOU?  
GC: YOU JUST DONT H4V3 4NYTHING B3TT3R TO DO  
CG: I REFUSE EITHER TO CONFIRM OR DENY THAT STATEMENT.  
GC: 1 LOVE IT WH3N YOU USE L3G4L PHR4S3S W1TH M3 >8)  
GC: COM3 V1S1T MY LOY4L C1T1ZENS W1TH M3  
CG: YOU WERE THE ONE WHO SAID IT'D BE WEIRD WITHOUT DAVE.  
GC: Y34H  
GC: 1T W1LL B3, BUT W3 C4N H4VE OUR OWN 4DV3NTUR3S  
CG: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'D EVER AGREE TO SUCH ADVENTURES AFTER HOW MUCH I JUST SHIT ON YOUR TIN CITY?  
GC: YOU W1LL  
GC: M33T YOU TH3R3 1N T3N M1NUT3S!  
\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC]ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist[CG] \--

Karkat had no intention of going. He pulled up his list of movies, but before he could give any of them serious consideration, he remembered Dirk. Dirk with amusement and exasperation seared from his face in an instant, leaving just a cold, emotionless stare. 

Karkat shook his head, but couldn't get the image out of his mind. He needed a distraction. It looked like Can Town was, unfortunately, his best option. 

_How are you going to handle seeing Terezi though?_

Surprisingly, the answer was just fine. When Karkat walked in to see her holding two cans of Tab, a wide grin on her face, he felt a weak ache in his chest, but nothing more. He had abstract regrets of things never working out, and he had certainly missed her company, but the heady, desperate feeling that had haunted him for so long was gone. 

_Maybe you were more jealous of her than of Dave when they got together._

If he hadn't been when they started their flushed relationship – or whatever exactly it was – it seemed to be the case now. 

“I told you you'd come,” Terezi said with a wide, toothy grin. “Not enough good company around here, is there? The new kids aren't nearly as exciting as the first ones were.” 

“Less exciting and far more irritating,” said Karkat. 

“Oooh.” Terezi swooped in, closing the distance between them with the Tabs still in hand. Her attention was uncannily focused at Karkat through her tinted shades. 

“Someone has a hate crush?” 

“Why does everyone make assumptions about my feelings? I am perfectly capable of nursing platonic hatred.” 

“Is it Jake? He's so dense. No, that's not right - it's Dirk. Come on, Karkles,” she continued as he screwed up his face in exasperation, “I saw the faces you made at Dave. It was cute. Shame it never worked out; I would have enjoyed witnessing that. But Dirk reminds you of Dave, doesn't he, even though he is far less cool.” 

“Are you suggesting that I have a caliginous infatuation with someone based solely on their relation to another human who I might have very briefly entertained such feelings for?” 

“That is the accusation, yes. What do you have to say for yourself?” 

_Is it caliginous though? Can you hate someone that similar to you?_

_First of all, he's nothing like you. Alternate selves aren't a serious thing – Dave had alternate selves. Though Dave never hated any of his. And you had a crush on Dave._

Karkat thought of Dirk and his face flushed. 

“It's complete and utter bullshit.” 

_You can try to deny it, but Terezi can smell your deceit and embarrassment. It's obvious to her and it'll be obvious to everyone else. You feel something towards him. Not that you have any rightful clue what._

_Hate obviously. Hate that should be platonic, but isn't._

_But you don't really hate him._

“I think it'd be good for you, Karkles.” 

“Wow, first of all, I don't need your blessing. Second of all, I just said your accusation has no basis in reality. I think you need to re-examine your case files. Third of all, why the fuck are we in Can Town again?” 

“Deflection is not a proper tactic for the courtroom. The jury cannot be swayed by such transparent tactics! But to answer your question, we're in Can Town because it's awesome.” 

Terezi held her arms open wide, gesturing to the chalked roads, carefully stacked cans, and general silliness of the mock-up of a community. “You can help me renovate the community center. The mayor got overenthusiastic in his attempts to expand it.” 

“This is stupid,” Karkat grumbled. 

“Quiet! As an authorized representative of Can Town, I declare that you shall not make any negative comments about the town. We may be a democracy, but we will not tolerate slander!” 

“It's only slander if it's not true.” 

“Can Town has the highest literacy rate of any primarily food cylinder inhabited town. Evidence supports the fact that Can Town is not, in fact, stupid.” 

As dumb as it was, Karkat helped disassemble said building even as he complained. He helped her remove all the cans, placing to the side to let Terezi redraw the floor plan. 

“I'm going to let you set up the ground floor,” Karkat said, getting up and picking up his husktop. “I can only take so much of this project at once.” 

“Karkat, are you opening your computer? Don't be antisocial!” 

“I'm not! I am still very much here, talking to you, and humoring you by feigning some interest in this project.” 

Karkat glanced at trollian, but it looked like everyone else was asleep. 

“Are you looking to see if Dirk's online?” 

“No.” 

“Are you going to have adorable hate flirting arguments?” 

“I doubt he's fucking talking to me any more.” 

“Why? Did you say something stupid?” 

“No!” 

“You definitely said something stupid.” 

“Fine. Last time I saw him, I mentioned his unresolved issues with Jake...” 

“Smooth moves.” 

“Yes, I'm perfectly aware that that was a blunder! It was unproductive and not even clever. On the bright side, I'll finally get the silence from him I've wanted from the start.” Karkat's stomach twisted, wishing that it was true. 

“Silence?” 

“I blocked him at one point, but he removed the block, allegedly just to see if he could.” 

“How many times have you talked with him?” 

“... Three.” 

“Someone is falling hard and fast!” 

“I am doing no such thing. Ugh, you're making it sound like I'm in love or something.” 

“Maybe you are! You could use a nice creature in your life, even if they're an awkward alternate universe version of Dave's Bro.” 

“Awkward? Name one person stuck on this rock that isn't awkward. Just one.” 

“Me.” 

“I'm not gonna touch that. Anyway, it doesn't matter because he's not talking to me now.” 

“You could apologize." 

“I'm not taking your advice on how to handle my interactions with Dirk.” 

“Then get over here and help me finish these walls.” 

When Karkat returned to his room, late enough that it was practically morning, he stripped and sunk into the sopor slime, falling asleep quickly. He was too tired to linger on any unpleasant thoughts, consciously or otherwise, and dreamed little. 

The next day, he was able to get himself up and cleaned up before his worries nagged at him enough that he opened trollian, heart beating too fast, and looked for Dirk's name. 

\-- carcinoGeneticist  [CG] began trolling timaeusTestified  [TT] \--  
CG: I SEE YOU HAVEN'T REBLOCKED ME.  
TT: That was an oversight on my part.  
TT: I'll get on fixing that right away.  
CG: OR YOU COULD CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY THAT I MESSAGED YOU BECAUSE I ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.  
TT: That seems highly unlikely.  
TT: Even if it was true, I'm not particularly interested in whatever other shit's gonna come out of your mouth.  
CG: LOOK, I'M WELL-AWARE I'VE SAID IDIOTIC THINGS, SOME OF WHICH MAY HAVE RECENTLY BEEN DIRECTED AT YOU.  
CG: TRUST ME, NO ONE IS MORE AWARE THAN ME HOW MUCH OF AN ASSHOLE I MAKE MYSELF ON A REGULAR BASIS.  
TT: Keeping up annoying habits wears on you, doesn't it?  
CG: THAT'S MEANT TO BE A BARB, BUT THE WAY YOU PHRASE IT SUGGESTS THAT YOU SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE.  
CG: DOES YOUR ICY FACADE OF NOT GIVING A SHIT GET OLD EVEN FOR YOU?  
TT: I don't pretend to not give a shit. Though, yeah, unlike some folks, I don't feel the need to flip a fuckin' table every time some little thing upsets me.  
CG: I DO NOT FLIP TABLES OVER EVERY LITTLE THING THAT UPSETS ME. IF I DID, THERE WOULD NOT BE A SINGLE TABLE IN THE MULTIVERSE THAT WOULD STILL BE UNFLIPPED.  
TT: That much gets to you?  
TT: Not for the first time, I'm impressed you manage to function at all.  
CG: OH, RIGHT, BECAUSE NOTHING EVER GETS TO YOU.  
CG: IT WAS JUST ONE HELL OF A COINCIDENCE THAT YOUR BOREDOM WITH ME BECAME TOO MUCH TO HANDLE WHEN I MADE A CERTAIN COMMENT ABOUT A RECENT BREAK-UP.  
CG: WE BOTH KNOW IT'S MUCH MORE LIKELY THAT YOU WERE ACTUALLY UPSET.  
CG: OR I'M THAT SIMPLY THAT LOATHSOME THAT YOU COULDN'T BEAR TO SPEND ANOTHER MOMENT AROUND ME.  
TT: Don't flatter yourself.  
TT: I'm utterly unflappable.  
CG: GLAD TO KNOW I WAS WRONG THINKING YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY GET TIRED OF PEOPLE ASSUMING YOU'RE A HEARTLESS AUTOMATON. ALL LOGIC, NO FEELINGS. AS COLD AND UNTOUCHABLE AS YOUR BELOVED ROBOTS.  
TT: Precisely.  
CG: SO I'M THE ONLY ONE OF US WHO HAS A SORE SPOT FOR EXES.  
TT: I read your memos. You don't have exes; none of your crushes actually turned into relationships.  
CG: MINOR DETAILS, WHICH ARE DISTRACTING FROM THE GODDAMN POINT.  
CG: WHICH IS THAT IT SUCKS TO BE REMINDED OF UNREQUITED FLUSHED FEELINGS.  
CG: SO THAT WAS NOT THE BEST THING OF ME TO SAY, EVEN IF YOU WERE MAKING UTTERLY RIDICULOUS ACCUSATIONS ABOUT MY EMOTIONS TOWARDS A CERTAIN IDIOT.  
TT: You really can't take a joke, can you?  
TT: Are you actually trying to apologize, or are you just ranting?  
TT: I'm kind of busy trying to decipher this manual, so if you're just going to bitch, I'm gonna go ahead and reblock you.  
CG: WHAT MANUAL? ONE OF EQUIUS'S ROBOTICS MANUALS?  
TT: Yeah.  
CG: INTERESTING. AREN'T THEY A BIT DENSE?  
TT: Somewhat.  
CG: I HAPPEN TO BE AN EXCELLENT TRANSLATOR.  
TT: And your point is?  
CG: AS A GESTURE OF GOODWILL I COULD HELP YOU WITH THE TRICKIER SYNTAX AND VOCABULARY. IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO WITH MY TIME, IF WE'RE GOING TO BE HONEST HERE.  
TT: I'm doin' fine on my own, thanks.  
CG: I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.  
TT: Believe whatever you want.  
CG: LOOK, I'M SORRY I WAS AN ASSHOLE TO YOU.  
TT: I'm sorry you can't take a joke.  
CG: HAR. HAR. SO YOU'RE IN EQUIUS'S WORKSHOP?  
TT: I see where you're going with this. Cute attempt, but no. I clearly prefer the company of my heartless automatons.  
CG: YOU ARE SO FULL OF BULLSHIT, YOU KNOW THAT? AND HERE I THOUGHT *I* HAD DEFENSE MECHANISMS.  
CG: I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE FOR NO ONE TO TAKE YOUR FEELINGS SERIOUSLY, AND I'M TRYING TO FUCKING TELL YOU THAT YOU SHOULD QUIT PULLING THAT EMOTIONLESS FACADE WITH ME.  
CG: UNLESS I'M TOTALLY OFF THE MARK THINKING YOU WERE ACTUALLY INTERESTED IN SOME SORT OF VAGUELY CIVIL RELATIONSHIP.  
CG: … ARE YOU STILL THERE?  
TT: Are you familiar enough with the technology to translate well? This stuff's pretty arcane.  
CG: YEAH, NOT AS MUCH AS SOLLUX OR EQUIUS, BUT I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD GRASP.  
TT: If you want to come by, I'll be here.


	8. Thrilling, Intergalactic Translation

TG: it was a lil uncomfortable not gonna lie  
TG: i was planning to peace out as soon as it ended but jake already had the sequel ready 2 go  
TG: at a couple of times he was like omg i cant believe no one else has come  
TG: and janey and i just kinda looked at each other and he laughed  
TG: “oh no not to discount you lovely ladies”  
TG: tbh i think jane is getting a lil frustrated with him  
TG: its sad cause I know hes trying to be more sensitive hes just kinda hopeless  
TG: janes too nice to tell him  
TT: Yeah.  
TG: im like j-crock u gotta tell ur man that the social dynamics r already a smidge strange sometimes w/ us 4 becuz of the exes and unrequited bs  
TG: the way jakes handling it is ramping the weirdness up to 11  
TG: we r cool but we arent some big happy family that needs to all be together all the time  
TG: like jakey have ur date nights with jane and other times hang out with ur friends but dont mix them up  
TG: dont invite ur exbf to hang out with u and ur gf like omfg u didnt think thatd be a bad idea  
TT: He seems to think that since he said at one point we wouldn't be awkward after the break-up that therefore we aren't.  
TG: omg u told me about that conbo  
TG: *convo  
TG: hes all like trying to be more deep but he still takes everything at face value  
TG: um  
TG: sorry im kinda going off here about ur ex woops  
TT: I'm trying to frame him as my friend and not so much as my ex.  
TG: sry  
TT: No problem. You didn't know; that's why I'm telling you.  
TG: rite  
TG: so wats up in striderland  
TG: more robot stuff?  
TT: Yeah, and Karkat was messaging me. He just logged off though.  
TG: speaking of socially awkward ppl haha  
TG: did u reblock him  
TT: No, though I was tempted to.  
TG: whatd he want  
TT: In a rather roundabout way, he was apologizing.  
TG: so at least he recognizes he was 100% asshat last night  
TG: and has the balls to say so  
TT: Yeah, it's something I suppose.  
TG: have u forgiven him then?  
TT: Holding a grudge isn't productive. I just thought he was a jerk who talks before he thinks.  
TG: past tense  
TT: I still think that. I'm also acknowledging that you're right in that the recognition of being an 'asshat,' as you so aptly put it, is hopefully the first step to not doing it again.

“Hello?” Karkat's voice echoed down from the top of the stairs.

TT: That's him now actually.  
TG: hes seeing you in person?  
TG: oh boy r u gonna have stories for me later???  
TT: I'm sure the translation of robotics manuals will be thrilling, sure.  
TG: lol have fun ;)

\-- timaeusTestified  [TT] ceased trolling tipsyGnostalgic  [TG] \--

Dirk minimized trollian in his shades, and turned away from his work to see Karkat descending into the room. The troll approached slowly, as if he didn't want to linger on the stairs, but he wasn't comfortable enough to stride over, like he didn't know exactly how this was going to go.

_How is this going to go? Are you sure this is a good idea? You don't really need his help._

_No, taking advantage of his offered help is a good idea. Your Alternian isn't perfect and this is precise work. It's not worth fucking up over some shambled sense of independence and pride._

“So you wanted help with the translation?” Karkat crossed his arms in a defensive position.

_He's definitely nervous. Why did he offer to come here if he doesn't want to be here? Or maybe he does want to be here, and just still feels weird because he thinks you're mad at him._

It struck Dirk again just how small the troll actually was, no abrasive bravado in the moment to distract from his body with only the slightest hint of muscle definition on his skinny build. Jake had been a bit shorter than Dirk, lacking his broad shoulders and sinewy build, but he'd been muscular enough it wasn't a blatant difference. Karkat, on the other hand, looked notably small compared to the others, shorter than Roxy and lacking even an ounce of Jane's soft baby fat.

“It's not so much that I need help as that you offered, and a second opinion on the translation would be wise if it's so freely available." Dirk held up the manual he'd been going through. “You wanna take a look, or were you planning on standin' around awkwardly instead?”

A hint of red colored Karkat's cheeks as he strode forward.

_Yeah, he still feels awkward after last night. Might be afraid he's gonna fuck up again, like he can't do anything right._

_I can empathize with that._

Karkat snatched the book and stepped back again, peering at the copious notes in the margins.

“How long have you been working on this?” asked the troll.

“Just since yesterday.”

Karkat flipped back through the last several pages, covered in annotations, and glanced over at the robot in progress.

“You work fast. That or Equius left more intact than I imagined. How long have you spent here?”

“Probably fourteen hours or so now.”

“You really get obsessive about things, don't you?”

Dirk resisted the urge to roll his eyes, and just turned back to the robot. Hopefully Karkat was a better translator than he was a casual conversationalist.

“And how long do you spend watching your mediocre movies on a given day?” Dirk asked.

“Probably less time than English does!” Karkat snapped back. There was a pause. "Umm..."

"Dude, it's fine; I don't give a shit if you mention him.” Dirk continued work on internal wiring of the robot's replaced limb as he talked. “Just don't be a dick. I think you're bright enough to know the difference.”

“Wow, a compliment,” Karkat retorted, snapping back quickly. “My heart is positively aflutter.”

“Don't get used to it. Also, you've got a pretty low standard for compliments there.”

“With cocky Striders I'll take what I can get.”

Dirk just nodded, engrossed in the work in front of him. It took him a minute to realize the conversation had died, and that he probably should do something to change that.

“Are you gonna translate or just admire my gorgeous handwriting?”

“Clearly I'm just lapping up your orange chicken-scratch.”

“Try not to slobber too much. I need those notes.”

“My salivation won't be restrained for your selfish benefit. Now, do you want me to write my responses or comment out loud? You seem like the sort of person who doesn't like his work interrupted.”

“I don't, but I talk on my shades while doing this sort of shit all the time.”

“Great, so we're all fucked up antisocial freaks. Trollian it is then."

“I don't mean we have to exclusively type. I just mean I'm going to actually do shit while you pore over that, and we can talk as we both do our thing.”

Overall, it was an effective strategy. Karkat was skilled at translating when it came down to it, and Dirk was able to be fairly productive, when the troll was actually saying something helpful instead of just being gruff. But on more than one occasion, Karkat demonstrated a stellar lack of awareness. Of course he wouldn't understand that loud interjections weren't always the most practical response.

“You're right about this; the word has multiple definitions, but your notes show you assumed the correct meaning here,” Karkat said. Dirk didn't look back, but he presumed the troll was pointing at a page.

“I can't see which paragraph you're pointing to.”

“Come over here then!”

“Nah, just message it to my shades, and I'll take a look in a minute.”

“Oh, excuse me - I forgot that you can't be bothered to actually interact like a regular fucking person,” Karkat grumbled, but nevertheless Dirk heard the sound of a laptop being placed on the table.

“You're the one who wanted to help, so quit bitchin' about how I find you most helpful.”

“I don't know why I fucking decided this was a good idea."

Dirk glanced over at Karkat, who had already begun furiously typing. As messages started to pop up in his shades, Dirk ignored them for a moment to regard Karkat's fingers, lithe and gray and working with remarkable efficiency.

_No, his efficiency isn't remarkable; he's on the computer constantly. It'd be remarkable if he wasn't a fast typist. Not sure how he does it with those fingernails of his though._

The phrase “yellow fingernails” would generally evoke cringing, but Karkat's nails were a rich, almost fluorescent shade of yellow, pointed at the tips like claws and of a length that on a human would be considered feminine.

_Are they actually sharp enough to pierce skin, or are they just for show?_

As soon as he realized he was contemplating what Karkat's nails would feel like against his skin, Dirk yanked his thoughts away, just in time to hear Karkat's question.

“So, why are you fixing this robot? I mean, obviously there's fuck-all to do around here, but you do seem particularly interested. You don't seem to have the same strength obsession as Equius so I'm guessing 'crush your creations with your bare hands' isn't the answer.”

"No, I'm just fixing them so I can wrestle with them until I collapse in a sweaty pile of flesh and metal limbs,” Dirk replied dryly.

He didn't bother even looking at Karkat; the exasperated groan was enough of a reaction.

“So when you said you love your heartless automatons, that's how you meant it. Great, I know another pervert.”

“Me, a pervert? Hell yeah, but not for the reasons you think.”

“Ugh, I almost forgot – you're Dave's Bro. So you're into the smuppets, aren't you? Dave only mentioned them once - well Rose did, and Dave didn't seem to want to elaborate – but that was more than enough.”

“What can I say? I'm a fan of plush, foam rumps.”

“That's all the detail I need on that matter, thanks.”

While it would have been a perfect opportunity to give Karkat a long lecture on the merits of puppet love, Dirk chose to focus his attention on the comments in his shades.

Karkat was surprisingly helpful - even if he did have a tendency to be unnecessarily belligerent in his commentary at times. When Dirk broke away from his work at Roxy's insistence to go eat, the troll almost looked disappointed.

_Must be pretty damn lonely, if he actually wants to keep spending time together._

“I'll message you if I have any more questions,” Dirk said, anticipating Karkat's inquiry.

That night, Dirk worked alone and poured over the second half of the manual. He collapsed in bed, debating whether he had enough energy to get off.

_Who are you kidding? Of course you do._

Dirk tried to imagine smuppets – too tired to deal with pulling one from his sylladex and then cleaning it afterward – but his thoughts strayed to Jake. When he forced Jake out of his mind, the next image in his head was Karkat.

_Karkat looking up at you, his slender fingers on your fly, black tongue licking his lips._

Dirk pulled his mind away from that too. It's not that wanting to fuck aliens was weird – the trolls were as attractive as humans, and there was certainly an interspecies sexual precedent – but it was Karkat.

_You can't deny he's attractive._

_You also hardly know him, and what you know about his personality is that he's annoying and thoughtless, even if you have a few things in common._

_Not to mention it's been demonstrated you have remarkably bad taste in men. Entertaining a new crush would be a terrible idea._

Dirk managed to spend the rest of his jacking off contemplating the perfect curves of bright green smuppet derriere.

When Karkat asked him next about meeting up for more translation, Dirk turned him down bluntly. It wasn't until a full day later, when Dirk had a thick stack of questions and notes, that he contacted the troll again.

\-- timaeusTestified  [TT] began trolling carcinoGeneticist  [CG] \--

TT: Think you're up for some more thrilling, intergalactic translation tomorrow?  
CG: I GUESS.  
TT: You sound positively delighted.  
CG: WELL AT LEAST IF I'M HELPING YOU TEREZI CAN'T FORCE ME TO HELP REZONE THE ENTIRE FUCKING CAN TOWN.  
CG: EARLIER TODAY SHE CAUGHT ME ONLINE AND COERCED ME INTO REDECORATING THE TOWN HALL WITH THE MAYOR.  
CG: AS ENTERTAINING AND DUMBLY LOVEABLE AS THE MAYOR IS, HE'S DAMN EXACTING ABOUT HOW HE WANTS CAN TOWN SET UP.  
TT: Allow me to alchemize the tiniest violin imaginable to play a melancholy song that serves as an apt metaphor for the depth of your ocean of woes.  
CG: OH LOOK, THE VIOLIN'S SO TINY I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING SEE IT. UNLESS *GASP* IT DOESN'T EXIST AT ALL.  
TT: How could you be so heartless as to doubt the sincerity of the musical comfort I offer you?  
CG: H3H3  
CG: H1 MR OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3 STR1D3R  
TT: Greetings, Terezi.  
CG: OK I'M CLOSING MY COMPUTER BEFORE SHE CAN POUNCE ON IT AGAIN  
CG: H3 N33DS TO G3T B4CK TO WORK >8)  
TT: Have fun, kids.

\-- timaeusTestified  [TT] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist  [CG] \--

True to his word, Karkat showed up the next day. As soon as he opened his mouth, Dirk regretted inviting him back.

"If you want my help, actually sit your ass down so I can point stuff out instead of having to type all of it into the stupid chat."

"Your free help sure comes with a lot of strings attached."

"Do you have a fucking problem with that?"

Dirk stifled and set aside his tools, pulling up a chair next to Karkat. On the bright side, maybe if he just did this the troll's way, they could get through this faster.

“Fine," Dirk pulled the book a little closer and found the first section he wanted to discuss.

"I assume this means 'solder', but the context is a little strange,” he continued, pointing to the foreign word. He was acutely aware of how close he was to Karkat.

The troll shifted in his seat, as if uncomfortable, but it might have just been getting settled in.

“It does mean 'solder'. Unless there's some subtle difference between the way your humans do it and how we do.”

“I don't think so. Do you want me to show you my technique? I've already done some.”

“Why not?” Karkat shrugged.

Dirk stood up and went over to the robot, flipping open a panel on its arm to provide an example. Karkat followed, standing close behind him, leaning in and very gently placing a hand on Dirk's shoulder.

_Is this his weird way of trying to be more friendly? Or is this some clumsy attempt at flirting?_

Though he knew he shouldn't care, Dirk was hyperaware of the touch, and how light and hesitant it was. Karkat seemed to be pointedly focused on the technology. The human could feel the warmth of Karkat's hand, in contact with Dirk's bare skin where the cloth of his muscle shirt ended.

“Yeah, that looks right,” Karkat said, gaze steadfast on the wires inside, not looking to Dirk at all. “I'm not an expert, but if it's working, then there's nothing to fix. Looks meticulous, really, but I figured you're the perfectionist type.”

It wasn't immediately clear whether the troll meant it as a compliment or an insult, but Dirk felt a bit miffed nevertheless. Still, he didn't want to pull away.

“I take pride in my work; did you really expect some haphazard shit?”

“Nothing you do is haphazard, except when done for ironic purposes, or strategic ones, like all that jpeg artifact shit.”

“Even the ironic and strategic facade of careless is very carefully chosen and executed. Layers, dude.”

Karkat didn't reply right away, but gently squeezed his hand. Dirk's throat suddenly felt dry, and he swallowed.

_This is stupid. You shouldn't linger on this._

“I had more questions on that section of the manual,” Dirk continued.

Karkat withdrew his hand. “Right.”

When they returned to the table, Dirk kept their discussions strictly on topic. It was productive for a few hours, Karkat poring over the manual during times when Dirk got up to do hands-on work. The troll checked his husktop occasionally, but it wasn't until early evening that it seemed to be a distraction.

“Terezi wants me to eat with her,” Karkat said.

“Go ahead. I'll probably meet up with Roxy later anyway,” replied Dirk. He hadn't actually made plans with her, but if Karkat was going to be doing his own thing tonight, he definitely should too.

\-- timaeusTestified  [TT] began trolling tipsyGnostalgic  [TG] \--  
TT: If I agree to subject myself to your gastronomic experiments again, will you eat with me?  
TG: h/o  
TT: Sure.  
TG: ok  
TG: haha yeah def  
TG: when do u wanna meet up  
TT: In a little while; I'm not in a rush. Karkat just went to meet up with Terezi for food, so the alchemizer's probably in use right now.  
TG: oh right so u 2 r legit doing this brobotics thing?  
TT: Karkat is definitely not cool enough for inclusion in bro puns.  
TG: he cant be that bad if ur hanging out w/ him unless u r solely using him for his alien tech skills  
TG: hes kinda cute too so the eye candy angle doesnt hurt  
TG: except hes prolly not ur type physically i guess  
TT: I wouldn't necessarily say that.  
TG: o rly  
TG: do tell  
TT: There's nothing to tell.  
TT: Passable physique aside, he's a pain in the ass.  
TG: well as long as its not that u feel weird about talking to me about romantic stuff  
TG: i know there was that whole thing w/ the trickster love confessions & shit but i know u like the d and i just cant give u that  
TG: unless u like silicone too  
TT: My penchant for phalluses aside, there's still the issue of your boobs.  
TG: i dont get it everyone loves boobs  
TG: even straight girls  
TG: trust me cause I asked janey about her views on it  
TG: haha no rly i dont get ur lack of appreciation for the female chest but to each their own  
TG: the point is im not gonna go and cry in a corner if u tell me u like someone  
TG: crotch alien dude or not  
TG: *crotchety  
TT: Even if I did have thoughts on him that went deeper than "He's attractive but a shallow jerk," the word "like” sounds simultaneously too serious and too high-school.  
TG: ok well how about this  
TG: do u think about him when u jack off?  
TT: That's your criterion for if I have romantic feelings?  
TG: u can wrack ur brain to explain the complexity of ur emotions, but mastubation material is p unambigious  
TG: *masturbation  
TT: Fair enough.  
TG: soooo  
TT: Yes, briefly, but I wasn't trying to think about him.  
TG: so he came to mind w/o even consciously trying to think about him  
TG: yeah i think ur crushin  
TT: Clearly I should jack off again to collect more data.  
TG: def ;)  
TT: So I'll meet you in an hour for dinner?  
TG: actually i was thinking  
TG: u know what nvm  
TG: that sounds perf  
TT: See you then.

\-- timaeusTestified  [TT] ceased trolling tipsyGnostalgic  [TG] \--


	9. ASSMUFFIN

"Ugh, you made us steak again?”

“Eat up, Karkles!"

"I'm not shoveling this stuff down my protein chute again for the fourth time this week." 

"But rare, still-juicy flesh is so delicious,” Terezi cackled. "Also, the iron is good for you!"

“You're not my lusus,” Karkat replied, forking the seared meat without enthusiasm. It smelled good, but his mind was lingering on Dirk. Specifically on all the stupid things he had said to the human.

_All the stupid things you said? How about the stupid things you did? Placing a hand on his shoulder, really? Do you think you're in some fucking romcom, where he'd spin you around and kiss you? You just made him uncomfortable._

“Come on, you're all skin and bones! You need to eat your dinner to actually get some meat on your tiny little frame.”

“Gross, I don't want to be meaty."

It was a deflection, but he wasn't going to admit that the littlest anxieties obliterated his appetite.

“Food is exciting for all normal trolls!" Terezi said. "When you were a grub, before you made it to the surface, did you accidentally drink from a pool of acid and burn all the tastebuds off your tongue? That would explain a lot.”

Terezi dug into her own dinner. When Karkat made no move to do the same, she continued, “If you don't eat something, I'm going to play 'force-feed the prisoner'.”

“Shut up.” To discourage her before she could actually follow up on her threat, he cut off a small piece of steak and raised it to his lips.

_Besides, you are too skinny. No one's attracted to trolls who are just skin and bones. Not that anyone would be attracted to you anyway. Especially not Dirk._

“Your eating habits really stink,” Terezi said. “I'm going to make you eat with me all the time if you keep this up. No wonder you're so tiny.”

“Do you ever give Gamzee shit about having a bad diet? At least I eat a variety; he lives off of fucking Faygo.”

“I bug him about it all the time. No point in having a kismesis who's going to keel over from malnutrition at any moment. Not that he ever listens to me.”

“When was the last time you talked to him?” He didn't really want to know, but he couldn't escape the nagging feeling that Gamzee was avoiding him.

“A couple of days ago. Why? Has he not been responding to you?”

“Whoa, who's the one doing the questioning here?” Karkat stabbed another piece and bit in. If Terezi was worried about his nutritional habits, maybe she'd let him just eat instead of prodding him to spill out all his pale concerns.

Terezi frowned and ignored his objection. “He works as a kismesis, sort of, but I don't know how you two maintain a moirallegiance.”

“Eating! Can't respond!” Karkat chewed noisily.

“Well, I don't think there's much need for your pale relationship anyway, for the record.”

“Why?” Pretense of not talking about it quickly abandoned, Karkat tried – and failed – to ask offhandedly.

_Because you're a shitty, selfish palemate obviously._

“Because he doesn't need you, and it just seems to wear on you. Though you still could use someone to calm you down.”

“I need a palemate, but he doesn't? Seriously? Are you suggesting I'm more unstable than some narcisstic highblood?”

“No, I just know you get yourself worked up about everything and nothing.”

“I do not fucking get worked up over everything and nothing!”

Terezi laughed. Karkat opened his mouth, ready to explain why no, it was not that funny, thank you very much, and he could explain why, when he heard another voice. Two figures appeared on the transportalizer.

“I don't really want to see the rest of the movies in that series, no.”

“Why on God's green Earth not? It was such a jolly good film!” Jake followed Jane into the room, a look of genuine incredulity on his face.

“I'm glad you liked it, but it really wasn't my thing!” Jane said.

“But I picked it out especially for you! It had detectives and a man with a mustache! How could you not like it? I think you're just being coy, Jane. Are you pulling my leg?”

“Hi, Karkat, Terezi.” Jane waved, but it took Jake a moment to realize what was going on.

“Oh hello!"

“Hey.” Terezi waved back.”We're all done with the alchemizer if you want to use it.”

“Thanks."

“Well, alrighty,” Jake said, turning back to Jane. “What movie did you have in mind then?”

“Nothing in particular. Maybe -”

“Oh, I have just the one! It's -”

“Jake.”

Jake looked taken aback by the interruption. “Yes?”

“I'm just not in the mood to talk about movies right now. We've been watching them a lot lately.”

Jane glanced at Terezi and Karkat as she fiddled with the alchemizer. She looked uneasy, but of course Jake was oblivious. It probably didn't help Jane's comfort level that Terezi was fixed intently in the kids' direction, licking her lips.

“Well if you don't want to watch movies all the time, you could just say so. I have plenty of other pals who like them!” Jake declared.

_Oh fuck no._

“Karkat, chap, I know you fancy a variety of movies from our humble little planet. What do you say we watch one together?”

“I like movies precisely because they don't require me to interact with you other fuckwits,” the troll snapped.

Jake chortled. “Oh, what a knee-slapper! You're so witty! How about tonight? Jane here has plans with Roxy anyway.”

“That's tomorrow night,” Jane said.

“What are you making? It smells positively delicious!” Terezi's interruption wasn't subtle, but at least it worked. Jane started on an explanation of her latest creation.

Karkat pulled his husktop to him as Terezi, now chatting animatedly with the female human about food, got up to take a closer sniff.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--  
CG: I'VE FINISHED MY STEAK. HAPPY?  
CG: COME ON, I KNOW YOU HAVE TROLLIAN IN YOUR SHADES.  
CG: I'M READY TO LEAVE, OK?  
CG: IF I HEAR ANOTHER WORD COME OUT OF THE MALE HUMAN'S MOUTH, I THINK I MIGHT THROTTLE HIM.  
CG: AND IT WON'T BE SOME SORT OF GOOD-HUMORED, BUDDY-BUDDY ROUGHHOUSING. HE FUCKING THINKS EVERYTHING IS GOOD-HUMORED, BUT MY UNRESTRAINED VIOLENCE WILL BE INTENSE ENOUGH TO CHOKE THAT IDIOTIC DELUSION OUT OF HIM.  
CG: WHAT, DO YOU THINK I'M FULL OF EMPTY THREATS? FINE, IGNORE IT.  
CG: I'LL GO TO CAN TOWN IF YOU WANT. MAYOR'S STILL UP, RIGHT?

“Oh my god, Karkat, I'm right here! You can just use your mouth like a normal troll.”

CG: SERIOUSLY, TEREZI?  
CG: DIDN'T IT OCCUR TO YOU THAT MAYBE I'M USING TROLLIAN BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE OUR CONVERSATION AIRED TO THE OTHERS IN THIS ROOM?  
GC: NO K4RK4T TH4T D1DNT OCCUR TO M3 4T 4ALL  
GC: CL34RLY 1 4M JUST 4S TH1CK 4S TH3 J4K3 HUM4N  
GC: OR 1TS JUST MOR3 4MUS1NG TO PO1NT OUT HOW R1D1CULOUS YOUR3 B31NG  
CG: I WAS TRYING TO DEMONSTRATE SOME POLITENESS BY NOT LOUDLY ANNOUNCING THAT I'M A MOMENT AWAY FROM RIPPING OFF JAKE'S HEAD AND HENCE I WOULD LIKE TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.  
GC: YOUR3 SOOO M3LODR4MAT1C  
GC: 4ND 1 H4V3 OTH3R PL4NS TON1GHT  
GC: 1 W1LL PR3SS YOU 1NTO FULF1LL1NG YOUR C1V1C DUTI3S TOMORROW  
CG: NOPE, THAT OFFER WAS A ONE-NIGHT SPECIAL ONLY.  
GC: WH4T, DO YOU H4V3 PL4NS W1TH D1RK TOMORROW?  
CG: I CAN NEITHER CONFIRM OR DENY THAT.  
GC: OHHH SO YOU DONT KNOW Y3T 1F YOU DO  
GC: H3H3H3 >:]  
CG: I'M LEAVING.

“Bye!”

The salutation left Terezi's mouth before Karkat had even closed his computer. Jane looked over at him quizzically.

_Yup, now she knows beyond a doubt that you were messaging Terezi's shades to avoid talking in front of her and Jake. Way to look like a huge asshole. Antisocial freak._

“Bye,” Karkat replied with as much civility as he could muster, hurrying off. He pointedly ignored Jake's call of “So, movie tomorrow night, right, pal?”.

_I really need to talk to Gamzee. This is ridiculous, especially if Terezi's been in touch with him. I'm not sure if I'm the shitty moirail or he is. Or maybe both of us suck at this. Whatever the case, it's clearly not working._

Karkat began to walk towards his room, but it occurred to him that the responsible thing would be to find Gamzee and tell him face-to-face. Breaking up online wasn't the best way to handle it.

But that led to the problem of figuring out where Gamzee was. Karkat paused to open his computer.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] \--  
CG: ARE YOU AROUND, FUCKASS?  
CG: I WANT TO TALK, BUT I'M NOT SURE WHERE YOUR DEMENTED CLOWN FACE IS HIDING CURRENTLY.  
CG: ARE YOU GOING TO FUCKING TELL ME, OR MAKE ME GO LOOKING FOR YOU LIKE THIS IS SOME IDIOTIC GAME OF HIDE AND SEEK? BECAUSE I'M NOT REALLY IN THE MOOD FOR THAT.

Karkat gave it ten minutes before he gave up and started down the hall again.

_This constant opening and shutting of your computer and dragging it around is silly. You could just have someone alchemize shades for you, like Terezi has. Or like those ridiculous pointy things Dirk wears. Or like those Dave's iShades._

_You haven't seen Dave in three weeks._

_You haven't had any contact from the original kids in three weeks._

_Yeah, well, they must be fine, because if they were dead, we sure as hell would be too._

Karkat hugged the husktop in his arms and marched onward.

He traced the paths where he'd seen Gamzee before, and where others had reported hearing eerie honks in the past. There was dried blood on the walls in a few spots, but none of it was new. It was just that no one had bothered to clean it, ever. A technicolor scab of darker days.

After three hours of fruitless searching, Karkat gave up. Back in his room, he curled up in his pile, depositing a new pillow he'd grabbed earlier. He checked his messages, wondering if Gamzee had responded.

_Nope._

\-- carcinoGeneticist  [CG] began trolling terminallyCapricious  [TC] \--  
CG: OK, SCRATCH THAT.  
CG: I SPENT THREE HOURS SEARCHING THIS ROCK, AND YOU'RE NOWHERE TO BE FOUND, WHICH IS KIND OF THE PROBLEM, ACTUALLY.  
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHETHER YOU'RE JUST SICK OF ME OR WHAT, BUT YOU'VE BEEN PRETTY UNRESPONSIVE.  
CG: I DON'T THINK THIS MOIRALLEGIANCE IS WORKING, FRANKLY.  
CG: I FEEL LIKE A RAGING ASSWIPE SAYING IT, BECAUSE IT'S AS MUCH MY FAULT AS IT IS YOURS.  
CG: HELL, MAYBE IT'S ALL MY FAULT. TEREZI SAYS SHE SPENDS TIME WITH YOU, SO CLEARLY THERE'S SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME.  
CG: I'VE DUMPED TOO MANY OF MY CONCUPISCENT PROBLEMS ON YOU, HAVEN'T I?  
CG: I JUST WISH YOU HAD FUCKING SAID SOMETHING INSTEAD OF IGNORING ME.  
CG: BUT WHATEVER, I FUCKED UP; IT'S DONE.  
CG: IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, OBVIOUSLY, GET IN TOUCH.  
CG: BUT I'M NOT GOING TO HOLD MY BREATH.  
CG: SO YEAH.  
CG: GOODBYE I GUESS.  
CG: GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR KISMESSISITUDE.  
[CG] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious  [TC] \--

Even as he typed it, Karkat felt a queasy feeling of jealousy. It took him a moment to realize it wasn't over Terezi, nor Gamzee, but over something much more selfish.

_What you wouldn't give for a kismesis of your own right now._

_Even if you weren't complete shit at relationships, there are no eligible candidates. That's kind of the problem with being stuck here with only seven others, half of them human. Humans don't do black romance; Dave told you as much._

_Dave was also completely unfamiliar with troll culture until he met you. Dirk and Roxy were raised on Earth ruled by the Condesce._

_That doesn't affect whether humans are capable of feeling it, dumbwit._

_Culture absolutely influences one's view of relationships though. Not to mention that not everyone's emotions work in the same fucking way. You may have a penchant for cookie-cutter movie plots with simplistic reductions of the range of romantic preferences, but that's not how real life works. Mainstream troll romance doesn't capture the sheer variety of all possible troll emotions and relationship styles; why would human culture be any different? Just because Dave wasn't comfortable with and didn't understand black romance doesn't mean all humans feel the same way._

_Are you legitimately considering whether Dirk would be interested in you caliginously? You aren't even sure which concupiscent quadrant you want him in._

_He's an asshole; obviously it's not flushed._

_Come on, you get irritated at everyone. And maybe Dirk's an asshole to everyone too._

_He probably wasn't to Jake._

At some point, drowning in his thoughts, Karkat must have passed out, because he woke up fuck knows how many hours later, still nestled in the pillow pile.

He blinked, then swore. He looked to his husktop to check the time, but the battery was completely drained.

_Perfect._

Yes, it only took a moment to get up and plug it in, but that required getting up and why the hell did these things happen to him?

As soon as he thought it, he heard another voice in his head, mimicking Dirk, _You flip tables over anything and everything. I'm amazed that you get through life with everything getting to you this much. You're too sensitive. Get your head out of your ass._

_And do what? There's seriously, absolutely nothing to do here. Except interact with other people, which you suck at._

When his computer had booted up and auto-logged into trollian, a bunch of messages popped up from Gamzee. Karkat scrolled to the top to see what he had missed.

TC: honk  
TC: HONK  
TC: honk  
TC: NOW WHO'S AWAY FROM HIS KEYBOARD, MOTHERFUCKER?  
TC: it's cool though  
TC: IT'S MOTHERFUCKING CHILL.  
TC: as chill as the vacuum of space  
TC: BECAUSE OUR MOIRALLEGIANCE DOESN'T MEAN SHIT TO ME.  
TC: it was nice while it lasted  
TC: BUT NOW I HAVE A NEW MOTHERFUCKING BEST FRIEND.  
TC: he understands me in ways that your think pan just couldn't get  
TC: HE IS MY TRUE PALE MATE  
TC: so good luck, motherfucker

It shouldn't have hurt, not when Karkat was the one who'd ended it, but the response drove the finality of it home. Worse, Gamzee already had created an imaginary friend to be his new pale mate; he didn't miss their relationship at all. It wasn't really the closure Karkat had hoped for. Biting his lip, he started typing.

CG: SERIOUSLY GAMZEE?  
[TC did not receive your message]  
CG: I WASN'T FUCKING HAPPY TO END IT AND I'M SORRY I WAS SO PISS POOR AT IT, OK?  
[TC did not receive your message]  
CG: WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT; IT SAYS YOU AREN'T RECEIVING MY MESSAGES. I KNOW YOU HAVE TROLLIAN SET TO ACCEPT MESSAGES EVEN IF YOU'RE OFFLINE.  
[TC did not receive your message]  
CG: DID YOU SERIOUSLY FUCKING BLOCK ME?  
[TC did not receive your message]

_Yup, he definitely blocked you._

No, that sting in the corner of Karkat's eyes wasn't tears; it couldn't be tears.

_There goes the only quadrant you had filled._

_Wow, so your first thought isn't “I feel shitty that my palemate and I broke up”. It's “I'm so lonely because my quadrants are empty.” You don't actually care about people; you just want them to fit into your stupid romantic boxes. You really just use people to fill your gaping blood pusher, don't you?_

_No, I'm upset because even though he was a shitty moirail and so was I, I still miss him. Not just the pale quadrant. We were friends for a long time, and him blocking me seems pretty damn harsh._

Sniffling slightly, Karkat stared at the screen. Terezi and Kanaya were both offline, so there wasn't even anyone he could beg for a feelings jam. Well, it was actually pretty early, now that he thought to check the time. The only person logged on was Dirk.

_So you can sit here and mope about your moirail, or message the snarky, unfairly attractive human. Pick your poison._

_False dilemma: You could just watch a movie instead._

He could have, but before Karkat could start pondering what to watch, Dirk messaged him.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began trolling carcinoGeneticist  [CG] \--  
TT: I got the robot I was working on up and running. Thought you might like to know, since you provided an iota of assistance.  
CG: THANK YOU SO MUCH. I'M GLAD MY MANY HOURS OF WORK MERIT A SINGLE "BIT" OF HELP IN YOUR BOOK. I KNOW HOW HIGH YOUR STANDARDS ARE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SOMETHING WASN'T ALL DONE BY AND ABOUT YOU.  
TT: No problem.  
CG: SO THAT'S IT? YOU AREN'T GOING TO COME INVITE ME TO SEE IT?  
TT: You can if you want. I didn't think you were actually that interested in the robot.  
CG: WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK I OFFERED TO HELP WITH TRANSLATION, ASSMUFFIN?  
TT: “Assmuffin”? That's a cute one. Simultaneously remarking on my fine derriere and using a pet name.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK? “MUFFIN” IS NOT A PET NAME.  
TT: Maybe not in troll culture.  
CG: NO, I'M PRETTY SURE I'VE NEVER SEEN IT USED IN YOUR HUMAN MOVIES.  
TT: I mean it's literally a pet name. Something you would call your pet.  
TT: So it's cute, but also kind of insulting.  
CG: PETS ARE WEIRD. I STILL FAIL TO SEE THE POINT OF KEEPING AN ANIMAL THAT DOESN'T PROTECT YOU, HELP YOU HUNT, OR MAKE A DELICIOUS DINNER.  
TT: All about the practicality, are you? I thought you were more sentimental than that.  
CG: I AM THE PLATONIC IDEAL OF UNSENTIMENTAL, TO REFERENCE YOUR HUMAN PHILOSOPHY. I'M A HEARTLESS, ANGRY TROLL, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.  
TT: No, you definitely aren't heartless. Under your belligerent exterior and often mediocre social skills, you actually care about people's feelings.  
TT: You felt shitty about the Jake comment, and offered to help me work on translation to try to repair that bridge. Even when I declined at first - because you are an annoying dumbass sometimes, let's be clear on that – you insisted, in your completely uncharming way.  
CG: OR MAYBE I'M JUST PUSHY BECAUSE I REALLY WANTED TO SEE YOU. THEN MY APOLOGY AND INSISTENCE WOULD HAVE BEEN TOTALLY SELFISH AND MANIPULATIVE.  
TT: Selfish, yes. Manipulative? I don't think you can pull that off.  
TT: But you're arguing against the hypothesis that you're sentimental with the counter-argument that you wanted to see me? How intriguing.  
CG: NO, THAT WAS ONE OF MANY OTHER POSSIBLE EXPLANATIONS. I JUST MENTIONED THE FIRST THAT SEEMED LIKELY TO RESONATE WITH YOU, BEING THE EGOTISTICAL FREAK YOU ARE.  
TT: So if you don't actually want to see me, you won't mind if I go back to fine-tuning this robot in peace.  
CG: NO, FUCK YOU.  
CG: NICE TRY, BUT I HELPED WITH THE DAMN THING. I WANT TO SEE HOW IT WORKS.  
TT: You know where to find me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, so this update is going up, what, two days after the previous chapter? Honestly I had a lot of fun writing this part. Next chapter will probably take a full week though!
> 
> Also, thank you for all the lovely and amazing comments so far! I'm glad to know people are enjoying this. <3


	10. Where's Your Loquaciousness Now?

The robot stared straight ahead as Dirk tightened the screws on the control panel. While he had briefly tested it in strife mode earlier, right now the switch on its back was in the off position, rending it inactive while he worked.

Its battling abilities, from what it had demonstrated thus far, were going to need a lot of work before it became a formidable opponent. Its style was clumsily straightforward, apparently based on the sole strategy of attempting to overpower the enemy.

Even if that was fixed, the robot's fans softly whirred. The hum wasn't exclusive to idling either; Dirk had heard it when it was trying to wrestle him to the ground. He'd have to fix that; some soundproofing on the interior of the torso should do the trick. A noisy android couldn't sneak up on anyone. Brobot had been completely silent, no squeak or whirr or any sound other than the rushing air as he lunged. 

_Brobot's gone. You have to make do with what you have. Besides, a new challenge is good to keep your mind sharp._

Dirk looked to the last line of the conversation in his shades again. Karkat had logged off; he was probably on his way over now.

_He didn't even try that hard to deny that he wanted to see you. It's definitely not about the robot._

_Or he just needs something to help him pass the time. It's not like he has a lot of other options. None, really, if you exclude his movie collection and Can Town._

_But what about that awkward shoulder touch last time? There's something more going on in his decision making process than sheer desperation._

The touch made far more sense in the context of Karkat being interested in Dirk, either in a friendly platonic way or in a more romantic sense. No, not friendly and platonic; the troll was abrasive and intermittently aggressive. Much more likely, Karkat had some sort of romantic interest. The problem was, Dirk wasn't sure whether he was flattered or exasperated. His stomach fluttered when he thought about it, and he felt vaguely frustrated.

_You're flattered and exasperated, but you're also attracted to him. You're glad he's hitting on you, and he'll probably try to do it again when he gets here. Which is why you invited him._

_But Karkat's still irritating as shit, regardless of whether you find him good fantasy material. You've done this before. Jake was a bad idea because, as hot as he was, his personality was completely incompatible and you two grated each others' nerves.Instead of being full of undying enthusiasm and optimism, he's a pessimistic, whiny ass._

Dirk's thoughts were interrupted by footsteps, and he turned to see the expected visitor coming down the stairs. Despite what he had just told himself, the first thing that he noticed was the troll's mouth - specifically, his pearly, pointed teeth. It was nothing like Jake's smile; Karkat's expression wasn't pleased, and his teeth were small and sharp, nothing like Jake's buck-toothed grin.

“So is that it?” Karkat asked as he came closer.

“That's a flaccid, ambiguous inquiry to open with," said Dirk, thoughts snapping from the troll's shiny teeth to the question at hand.

"It's perfectly, _firmly_ unambiguous; you know precisely what I mean, bulgesucker!"

“Not specifically. You could be referring to whether this is the robot I've been working on, or if this is all the progress that's been made, or -"

"Fine, forget it!" Karkat glared. He eyed Dirk for a moment before continuing, "You're fucking obsessed. You were nowhere near done when I saw it last. Were you up all night working on this stupid thing?”

“One all-nighter doesn't make an obsession. Are you capable of saying anything that isn't hyperbole?”

“And that question itself was hyperbolic. You're so clever.” Karkat rolled his eyes. “Whatever, I don't care about your shitty sleep schedule."

"My sleep schedule is just fine, thanks."

Dirk flipped the wrench around in his hand a few times, refusing to snap back. _Not going to engage him._

"Yeah, sure. Anyway the effects of your 'just fine' sleep schedule aren't my concern. You're the one who seems to care so much about your 'brilliance' and 'mad skills',” Karkat replied, gesturing with exaggerated air quotes. "I'm sure you take great care of yourself to perform at your peak Stridenasty levels or whatever self-indulgent phrasing you prefer."

“I tend to use far less ludicrous phrasing, but that's the right idea. And said self-maintenance doesn't require any input from constantly irate acquaintances.”

“I'm not constantly irate!”

“As much as I'd love to dive into an extensive deconstruction of the levels of irony in that claim, I distinctly recall you saying you wanted to see the robot.”

“Yeah.” Karkat's frown smoothed into a thin line, a blatant attempt to keep from reigniting into bickering mode. He stepped forward, taking a closer look at the automaton.

Dirk wasn't sure whether it'd be more awkward if he obviously stepped away, so he stayed where he was, aware of just how close Karkat was now. The air felt thick with anticipation – which was stupid, because all Karkat was doing was looking at the robot.

_It's not like he's leaning in for a kiss or something._

“So I guess this means you don't need my help any more.” The disappointment in Karkat's voice was poorly hidden.

“Not necessarily. There are a bunch of improvements I'd like to make, and I found another manual that I want to translate since it looks potentially helpful. I can do it on my own, though."

“Well obviously you can, but we did this in the first place because you agreed a second pair of eyes would be helpful."

"I don't really need it though. Unless this is just part of some elaborate alien mating ritual intended to get me to follow you into your slime pit to fornicate." Dirk reached to grab the wrench from his belt again, fully intending to get back to work and not dwell on their physical proximity, but Karkat grabbed his wrist.

"First of all, fuckwit, sopor slime is for sleeping in, not mating in -"

Dirk's pulse quickened and he yanked his wrist free.

"The first thing you're denying isn't the desire to tap this, but correcting me on the proper use of sopor slime? Is it that important for me to know the details of how troll sex works? Not that I'm not intellectually intrigued by such an unusual and taboo subject."

"You aren't fucking claiming that your interest in it is purely intellectual, are you?" Karkat shifted closer, looking very pointedly at Dirk, his tongue flicking across his lips as soon as he finished speaking.

"Yeah, I think I am, actually."

Karkat froze warily, his expression darkening.

"Are you serious?"

"Absolutely. Any and all interest I have in troll sexuality and romance is purely intellectual, so kindly keep your alien bits - and hands - to yourself."

Karkat grabbed the front of his shirt, and anger flared in Dirk, snapping him out of the moment.

“DON'T FUCKING TELL ME 'PURELY INTELLECTUAL'! YOU COMPLETE -”

Karkat's ranting was interrupted as Dirk shoved him backwards. Dirk's anger faded almost instantly as the troll fell backwards, stumbling and falling to the floor. He was hit with a slight pang of guilt; he hadn't expected to catch the troll this off-guard, not to mention he was used to heavier, stronger opponents. His first reaction was just fight or flight, but in hindsight the shove seemed excessive.

“FUCK!”

In a moment, Karkat was on his feet again, sickle retrieved from his sylladex.

_This escalated quickly. Yeah, bad call on the pushing._

Dirk flash-stepped away before Karkat could swing at him.

“Seriously, if something's buggin' you, tell me already and stop acting so melodramatic about it.”

“Oh, I'm being fucking melodramatic?” Karkat didn't raise his sickle again but kept it tightly in his grasp, knuckles white.

_Well, he's making an attempt to not totally flip his shit. Give the troll a fuckin' cookie._

“Really, how insightful of you,” Karkat continued angrily. “No one's ever accused me of being melodramatic before. Just like I'm sure no one has ever accused you of being a stone-cold, emotionless robot - which is what you're being right now, by the way.”

Karkat tossed his sickle back into his sylladex.

“OK, now I'm unarmed. I'm not even flipping a table, literally or otherwise. Are you fucking happy?”

Dirk glanced to the table where they'd been translating.

“Yeah, it's covered in small parts. I'd be hella pissed if you fucked up all my piles.”

Karkat strode forward, expression twisting.

_You know where this is going._

“Do you ever not have a clever retort?” Karkat stood on his tiptoes, valiantly attempting to look Dirk in the face despite their height difference.

_You know what he's going to do next._

“Do you ever stop trying to pick a fight?” Dirk's response was completely calm even as he felt as though his insides had vanished.

“You're the one being blatantly uncooperative here.”

Dirk was acutely aware of how close the troll was, and how easy it would be to close the little gap that remained.

“Uncooperative? If you want something so much, maybe you should just go for it.”

“Fuck you,” Karkat said quietly, placing a hand on Dirk's cheek.

_Just do it._

The troll was so close, their noses almost brushing. Dirk kissed him.

Karkat's lips were soft, not chapped like Jake's had been, but just as clumsy, as inexperienced. Dirk parted his lips, and the troll stuck his tongue in without finesse. Despite the clumsiness of it all, Dirk felt his skin tingling, and grabbed Karkat's shoulders. He pulled back just slightly, making the troll hesitate before plunging back in. Karkat's hands gripped his waist insistently, a possessive, needy gesture that only spurred Dirk on.

Tightening his grip on the troll's shoulders, Dirk gently sucked on Karkat's bottom lip, pausing long enough to draw a tiny whine out of the troll. However, as soon as Dirk let go, Karkat dove back in with a little too much enthusiasm, nipping at Dirk's lips. It was slightly painful, but hot – until Karkat bit harder, and the pain blossomed.

“Oww!” Dirk gripped Karkat's shoulders and pushed the troll away slightly. Karkat released him and practically jumped back, his ferocity wilting. The hungry look in his eyes was replaced with worry.

“Fuck! What the fuck did -”

“Not all humans like biting,” Dirk said, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. His lip ached, but at least there was no blood.

“I fucking know that!” Karkat's cheeks were red. “I'm not a fucking idiot!”

“No, you were just overenthusiastic. I know I'm hot shit, but you're gonna have to cool it a bit.”

“I'm sorry,” Karkat grumbled. He didn't make any move to pull Dirk back in.

_He's hesitating because he's worried he fucked it up. Reach in. Touch him. Kiss him again._

_Or maybe he regrets doing it in the first place. Clearly he wanted caliginous romance, and now it looks like you can't handle it. What the hell did you expect when your way of flirting with him was arguing? You know how trolls are about rivalry._

_He's annoying. Snark doesn't automatically make something black romance. Humans banter as flirting all the time._

_Nevertheless, you've been sending him mixed signals._

“So you didn't just want to see the robot.” It was the best Dirk could do to try to fill the awkward silence.

“No. But -”

“It's fine.”

“I should go. Or something.”

“If you want, dude.”

Karkat's uncertainty evaporated.

_Why the hell did you tell him that? You just made out with him, but you can't even verbally acknowledge what just happened? Where's your famous Strider loquaciousness now?_

“Yeah. Bye.” Karkat fled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEW. So that happened. Finally.


	11. Multiple Quadrants

GA: Would You Care To Join Me In The Library  
CG: I'M EXTRAORDINARILY COMFORTABLE RIGHT HERE IN MY PILLOW PILE IN A ROOM DEVOID OF OTHER LIFEFORMS. EMPHASIS ON THE “DEVOID OF OTHER LIFEFORMS” PART.  
GA: I Apologize If I Have Caught You At A Bad Time  
CG: NO THIS IS A PERFECT TIME. A PERFECT TIME TO STAY THE FUCK WHERE I AM WITH MY HUSKTOP AND CONTEMPLATE NEVER SETTING FOOT OUT OF HERE AGAIN.  
CG: THIS SAD LITTLE ROCK IS FULL OF BULGEMUNCHERS AND FOOLS AND I'M DONE WITH ALL OF THEM.  
CG: EXCEPT THIS WHOLE TIME THE JOKE'S BEEN ON ME BECAUSE I'M THE BIGGEST FOOL HERE.  
GA: Is There Something You Would Like To Discuss  
CG: I DON'T THINK THERE'S MUCH TO DISCUSS ABOUT THE COMPLETELY IDIOTIC DECISION I MADE TO ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON IN THAT HUMAN'S HEAD  
GA: Something Occurred with Dirk Then  
GA: Roxy Mentioned That You Two Have Been Spending Time Together  
CG: HAD BEEN. THAT'S ENTIRELY, IRREVERSIBLY, BEYOND-THE-SHADOW-OF-A-DOUBT PAST TENSE.  
CG: I MADE A BRUTALLY HUMILIATING MISTAKE.  
CG: WELL, TWO ACTUALLY. ONE, THINKING THAT HE ACTUALLY RECIPROCATED MY FEELINGS. AND TWO, THAT I ACTUALLY HAD ANY FUCKING CLUE WHAT I WAS DOING.  
CG: APPARENTLY DESPITE WATCHING MORE ROMCOMS THAT ANYONE SHOULD SEE IN THEIR LIFETIME, I AM STILL COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY UNPREPARED FOR ACTUALLY DEALING WITH MY OWN EMOTIONS. AS IF THINGS WITH TEREZI AND AND DAVE HADN'T FUCKING TAUGHT ME THAT ALREADY.  
CG: THE ONLY POSSIBLE CONCLUSION IS THAT I'M HOPELESS.  
GA: Im Sorry That He Does Not Feel Romantically Inclined Towards You  
GA: Were You Attempting to Court Him In The Flushed Quandrant  
CG: FLUSHED? NO!  
CG: OUR FLIRTING WAS DEFINITELY CALIGINOUS.  
CG: OR I THINK IT WAS.I MEAN, IT'S PAINSTAKINGLY CLEAR THAT I MISREAD THE WHOLE SITUATION SO WHO THE HELL KNOWS.  
CG: HE'S ALWAYS BEING SNARKY, LIKE DAVE WAS, BUT IN A SUBTLER, MORE BACKHANDED SORT OF WAY.  
GA: So You Interpreted His Intentions As Romantic But It was A Cultural Misunderstanding  
GA: Did You Attempt To Discuss Your Feelings Or Did You Try To Make A Physical Move  
CG: OF COURSE I FUCKING TRIED TO “MAKE A PHYSICAL MOVE”.  
CG: I TRIED TO KISS HIM, BUT HE ENDED UP KISSING ME.  
GA: Perhaps He Harbors Romantic Feelings As Well Then  
CG: NO, THAT'S STUPID. OF COURSE HE DOESN'T.  
CG: BUT WHATEVER HE WANTED, IT'S RUINED.  
CG: HE FUCKING KISSED ME, AND I KISSED HIM BACK AND FOR A MOMENT IT WAS EVERYTHING I HAD HOPED AND DREAMED OF BUT THEN I BIT HIM AND HE GOT PISSED.  
GA: I Do Not Think Their Culture Is As Sexually Aggressive  
CG: APPARENTLY NOT.  
GA: I Would Like To Continue This Discussion But I Am With Roxy And She Is Becoming Inquisitive  
GA: I Think It Would Be Best If We Resumed This At A Later Date  
CG: YOU FUCKING THINK? THE LAST THING I NEED IS TO GET MORE HUMANS INVOLVED IN THIS.  
\- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist  [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator  [GC] \--   
CG: WELL GUESS I'M GOING TO CAN TOWN WITH YOU TOMORROW   
GC: 4S D3L1GHT3D 4S 1 4M TH4T YOU H4V3 COM3 4ROUND ON YOUR C1V1C DUT1ES, YOU T4ST3 D1STR3SSED   
CG: I AM NOT FUCKING DISTRESSED. AND YOU CAN'T TASTE EMOTIONS. THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT MY STATEMENT THAT INDICATES DISTRESS.   
GC: WH4T H4PP3N3D W1TH D1RK?   
CG: WHY THE HELL DO YOU AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME IT'S DIRK?   
GC: B3C4US3 H3S TH3 ONLY OTH3R ON3 YOUV3 B33N SP3ND1NG MUCH T1M3 W1TH   
GC: SO WH4T TROUBL3 D1D YOU GET YOURS3LF 1NTO?   
CG: NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY. EXCEPT FOR THE WHOLE MAKING A COMPLETE, LOVESICK IDIOT OUT OF MYSELF, NOT TO MENTION BEING AWESOMELY CULTURALLY INSENSITIVE.   
CG: I FUCKING KNEW HUMANS COULDN'T DO BLACKROM, BUT WHAT DO I TRY?   
CG: I INTERPRET HIS SNARK AS FLIRTING AND ACTUALLY TRY TO PUSH THINGS IN THAT DIRECTION.   
CG: AS IF SNARK IS ANYTHING BUT STANDARD ISSUE, FACTORY-GODDAMN-DEFAULT SETTING FOR STRIDERS.   
GC: UM K4RK4T W3 4R3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT D1RK, R1GHT?   
CG: OF COURSE WE ARE! WHY, ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT DAVE? I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT DAVE.   
GC: YOU H4V3NT 3V3R H4D FLUSH3D F33L1NGS FOR 4 HUM4N, H4V3 YOU >:/   
CG: THAT IS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT. ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THERE ARE ZERO ROMANTIC FEELINGS GOING ON BETWEEN ME AND DIRK.   
CG: THAT SHIP HAS SET SAIL AND PROMPTLY SUNK IN THE HARBOR. IT WAS POORLY DESIGNED. I HIRED A SHIT SHIPBUILDER. OH WAIT, THE SHIPBUILDER WAS ME; I'M SHIT AT ROMANCE.   
CG: I'VE NEVER HAD FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE THAT DIDN'T LEAD TO A FUCKTON OF AWKWARDNESS. I JUST CANNOT FUCKING INTERACT WITH ANYONE ROMANTICALLY AND HAVE IT END WITH ANYTHING LESS THAN PERPETUAL AWKWARDNESS.   
GC: Y3S TH1S 1S SO T3RR1BLY 4WKW4RD TO B3 4 FORM3R CRUSH OF YOURS, NOW T4LK1NG TO YOU 4BOUT 4LL OF YOUR H4LF-IM4G1N3D PROBL3MS   
CG: THEY ARE NOT HALF-IMAGINED!!! THEY ARE ENTIRELY FUCKING REAL.   
GC: 4R3 YOU 3V3N GO1NG TO T3LL M3 WH4T H4PP3N3D W1TH D1RK?   
CG: WE ARGUED AND HE THREW ME TO THE FLOOR AND HE TOLD ME TO CALM DOWN AND HE PROVOKED ME AGAIN AND THEN HE KISSED ME.   
GC: ...   
GC: S3R1OUSLY? >:[   
GC: HOW 1S TH1S 4 F41LURE? TH4T SOUNDS PR3TTY D4RN C4LIGINOUS TO M3   
CG: THEN I BIT HIS LIP AND HE TOLD ME I WAS BEING TOO AGGRESSIVE.   
GC: 4HHHHH   
GC: TH4TS NOT TH3 3ND THOUGH. WH4T D1D H3 S4Y N3XT?   
CG: I DON'T KNOW. I ABSCONDED THE FUCK OUT OF THERE.   
GC: B3C4US3 H3 TOLD YOU TH4T YOU W3R3 TOO 4GGR3SS1VE?   
CG: IT WAS CLEARLY A REJECTION. WHAT THE HELL ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? ATTEMPT TO SIT AROUND AND HAVE SOME SORT OF FEELINGS JAM?   
GC: TH1S M4Y COM3 4S 4 SURPR1S3 TO YOU, BUT THOS3 W1TH H34LTHY R3L4T1ONSH1PS USU4LLY H4V3 TO T4LK 4BOUT STUFF   
GC: FOR 4 WH1L3 D4V3 W4S UNCOMFORT4BL3 4BOUT MY REL4T1ONSH1P W1TH G4MZ33, BUT W3 W3R3 4BL3 TO F1GUR3 1T OUT B3C4US3 W3 BOTH PUT ON OUR GROWNUP P4NTS 4ND H4D 4 D1SCUSS1ON 4BOUT 1T   
CG: I RESENT THE IMPLICATION THAT SOMEHOW MY PANTS ARE LESS THAN FULLY MATURE. I'M NOT SOME WIGGLER BARELY CAPABLE OF COHERENT SPEECH WHO CAN'T TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF.   
GC: YOU PUT YOUR P4NTS ON JUST F1N3, 1F 4 L1TTL3 H1GH-W41ST3D H3H3   
GC: BUT 1F H3 K1SS3D YOU TH3R3S SOM3TH1NG MOR3 GO1NG ON.   
GC: YOU SHOULD 1NV3ST1G4T3, 4ND NOT JUST THROW TH3 C4S3 OUT B3C4US3 GOD FORB1D TH3R3 W1LL B3 SOM3 CULTUR3 SHOCK   
GC: 1 ME4N YOU DO L1KE H1M, R1GHT? C4L1G1NOUSLY?   
CG: TO BE HONEST, I'M NOT EVEN SURE EXACTLY HOW I LIKE HIM.   
CG: IT'S DEFINITELY CONCUPISCENT.   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK AM I SAYING? OF COURSE IT'S BLACKROM.   
GC: 1F YOUR3 C3RT41N   
GC: BUT R34LLY K4RKLES, GO SL33P, C4LM DOWN, TH3N T4LK TO H1M 1N TH3 MORN1NG   
CG: I'D RATHER PLAY WITH VACUUM-SEALED HUNKS OF NUTRIENTS STUCK IN TIN CYLINDERS.   
CG: THAT IS HOW MUCH I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HIM.   
GC: CONS1D3RING HOW M4RG1N4LLY YOU PROT3ST3D L4ST T1ME W3 W3R3 1N C4N TOWN, 1T SOUNDS L1K3 YOUR3 NOT DR34D1NG TH4T CONV3RS4T1ON MUCH TH3N   
GC: GOOD LUCK 4ND L3T M3 KNOW HOW 1T GO3S >:]   
\-- gallowsCalibrator  [GC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist  [CG] \--

Karkat sunk his head into his hands.

_What the hell else are you going to do?_

_Don't you know when to give up, you idiot? What are you going to accomplish by messaging him?_

_He hasn't blocked you. Are you really going to sulk and not at least make an attempt to speak with him? Do you even have anything to lose at this point, if you're so convinced he despises you in a totally platonic way now?_

But Karkat didn't. He just watched a movie, though he kept minimizing it to check trollian, as if he'd change his mind, or maybe Terezi would come back. He had almost reached the end when he received a new message. His heart pounded as he moved his mouse over and clicked.

\-- timaeusTestified  [TT] began trolling carcinoGeneticist  [CG] \--  
TT: Care to fill me in on exactly what went down yesterday?  
CG: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN BY FILL YOU IN? WE WERE BOTH THERE.  
TT: You freaked out and bolted.  
CG: YEAH BECAUSE YOU PULLING AWAY IN PAIN AND TELLING ME I FUCKED UP DIDN'T WORRY ME AT ALL.  
TT: What the hell did you want me to do? 'Cause I was in pain.  
TT: Yeah, if that's the attitude you have, then it was a fucking mistake.  
CG: NO  
CG: FUCK  
CG: NO I'M GLAD YOU SAID SOMETHING, AND I FEEL LIKE A JERK FOR HURTING YOU  
CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE I FUCKED UP MY FIRST KISS THAT BADLY  
TT: I didn't realize it was your first.  
CG: BECAUSE YOUR TOTAL OF ONE PARTNER EVER IS SO MUCH MORE.  
TT: Infinitely more, actually. Mathematically speaking.  
CG: ROMANCE IS NOTHING LIKE MATH. IT'S DOESN'T HAVE NICE, NEAT SOLUTIONS. YOU CAN UNDERSTAND COMPLEXITY JUST FINE, BUT YOU CAN'T GRASP AMBIGUITY WELL.  
TT: I can grasp ambiguity perfectly well. It's key in irony.  
TT: Irony, such as how for someone who likes romcoms with all those big confrontational scenes, you sure have a penchant for online communication even in more serious matters.  
CG: WHAT EXACTLY MAKES YOU THINK I WANT TO HAVE SOME KIND OF BIG CONFRONTATION?  
TT: Are you saying I misread you?

Karkat seethed.

_Go see him. He's practically asking you to. If he wants to see you, he's not going to say it outright. You know how he works._

_He's fucking difficult about everything._

_Just like you._

CG: EVEN IF I WANTED TO SEE YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE.  
TT: In my room.  
CG: SOLLUX'S OLD ROOM?  
TT: Not any more. I've been staying in Dave's room since he left.  
CG: BECAUSE IT REMINDS YOU OF YOUR HIVE?  
TT: No, because I get off on smelling my ectoparent's musk lingering on the sheets.  
CG: THAT WAS MORE INFORMATION THAN I NEEDED.  
CG: OR IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY BECAUSE OF YOUR SPECIES' WEIRD TABOO AGAINST MATING WITH THOSE WITH SIMILAR GENETICS?  
TT: If it was the former, do you really think I would have told you?  
CG: YES, AND THEN YOU'D PLAY IT OFF AS A JOKE BECAUSE YOU'RE SO FUCKING LAYERED THAT NO ONE KNOWS WHERE THE IRONY AND BULLSHIT STOPS AND THE TRUTH BEGINS.  
TT: Touche.  
TT: Are you going to keep inquiring as to the nature of my relationship with my alternate universe Bro and his sweet, musky belongings, or were you actually going to come address my initial question about what the hell happened?  
CG: I'M LEAVING NOW, FUCKASS.  
\-- carcinoGeneticist  [CG] ceased trolling timeausTestified  [TT] \--

Wrong by human standards or not, the thought of Dirk curled up in Dave's sheets, naked and touching himself, was arousing.

But this wasn't the time to be getting worked up. This was the time to head to Dirk's room and figure out how to talk about the whole thing without making a complete idiot out of himself.

Halfway there, Karkat realized he was carrying his husktop. Dirk would definitely give him a hard time about that.

_He'll find something to tease you about no matter what you do. That's part of why you have a hate crush on him. Because he's difficult and always gives you a hard time._

But Karkat didn't really feel seething, angry lust bubbling inside of him. Right now, he wanted Dirk, and he wanted to kiss him again without the human freaking out. He wanted to actually have Dirk in a quadrant, and wasn't terribly picky about which.

_Because the last time you had someone you wanted in multiple quadrants, that turned out so well. Then again, any time you wanted someone in any quadrant, it turned out shittily._

“It's unlocked,” Dirk called when Karkat knocked on the door.

The troll reached out and turned the door knob, his entire body tight with nerves. He entered to see Dirk sitting at his desktop computer, facing perpendicular to the door.

“Make yourself comfortable,” said Dirk, not looking away from the screen.

Karkat looked to the bed, but thought better of it when he saw a couple of smuppets on the nightstand next to it. Nope, not getting near those creepy things. He watched Dirk, noticing the way his muscles moved and tendons twitched when he switched between typing and navigating with the mouse. His expression was consistently, obnoxiously blank.

“If this is really so important that I had to drag myself over here then you could at least turn off your computer,” Karkat grumbled, settling himself into a chair and resisting the desire to open his own computer.

“I just did," Dirk replied, pushing himself away from the desk. Flicking his eyes up to the screen, Karkat saw that it was already shutting down. Dirk must have just been wrapping things up, not trying to ignore him.

“So what the hell do you want to talk about?” Karkat asked, trying to move past his pang of embarrassment.

“We can start with, if you're gonna kiss me, kindly keep your fangs to yourself.”

“I don't have fucking fangs! And you kissed me first.”

“You were all but begging for it.” Dirk paused, though his tone wasn't quite questioning enough to call it hesitation. “You wanted to, didn't you?”

“Yeah.” Admitting it felt awkward, dumb even, but denying it would have been entirely counterproductive.

_Or it would've gotten you out of this situation and be able to hang out with him platonically. What if he's about to tell you it's not going to happen again?_

_Stop being a paranoid freak. He just referenced kissing you like it would happen again._

“The bed's more comfortable, “ Dirk said, getting up and heading to it himself. Despite the options that invitation opened up, Karkat felt slightly insulted.

“You told me to sit myself down where I felt most comfortable,” Karkat said, slouching back into his chair more and crossing his arms. “On your squishy sleep furniture next to your foam sex toys isn't my idea of comfortable.”

“I'm sorry my smuppets and alien sleeping habitat make you uncomfortable. If you'd rather maintain your awkward distance, be my guest.”

“I'm not making this awkward!” Out of spite, Karkat went to the bed and planted himself down on it, sitting far enough away from Dirk to resist the urge to grab the human's hair and pull him in for a kiss. “Fine, you want a totally relaxed, non-melodramatic feelings jam? Then hurry up and stop bugging me about other dumb shit.”

Dirk quirked a eyebrow.

“Because I have better things to do than sit around here for some stupid feelings jam,” Karkat quickly clarified.

“Now who's not appreciating ambiguity?” Despite the amusement in Dirks' voice, he didn't make any moves.

_He's just as nervous about messing this up as you are._

_No he's not. He just doesn't care as much as you do._

That stupid thought – which of them was stupid and which was spot on, Karkat couldn't entirely decide – kept the troll planted in that one spot, hands on his knees, pointedly trying not to make any nervous gestures.

“Is biting normal for troll kissing?” Dirk asked. “Because it certainly isn't for humans. Not more than gentle nipping, certainly not enough to actually be painful.”

“If you're such a fucking expert at kissing, why don't you show me?” Karkat snapped. When Dirk didn't snark back, only cocked a half-smile at him, the troll placed a hand on Dirk's thigh. The human didn't pull away

“Lie down.”

Karkat kicked off his shoes, debating the merits of arguing. “Why the fuck do you want me lying down?”

“You said I should show you.”

“Why the fuck does that require me laying down?”

“So that even if you make any stupid moves you don't fumble and fall off the bed or try to push me off of it,” Dirk said calmly, swinging his legs around to straddle Karkat. Leaning down, he whispered, “Just relax. Take a deep breath and think about a fuckin' calm place. Prepare to have your mind blown.”

Dirk pressed his lips against Karkat's. Karkat gripped the sheets, twisting his hands in them to resist the urge to respond with anything more than the softest yielding as Dirk's tongue flicked across his lips. Just when Karkat thought he might press further, Dirk pulled back, pressing a few light, closed-mouth kisses on Karkat's mouth. Karkat was frustrated, but just when he was ready to shove Dirk off and force him to be the one lying down and being teased, the human started to explore Karkat's mouth with his tongue.

Dirk's crotch was pressed against Karkat's, and he could the troll could feel something stiff and hot through their clothing. Karkat's own bulge was erect too, and he desperately wished that it would go beyond kissing right the fuck now. But no, Dirk was now planting kisses on Karkat's neck, and a soft noise escaped the troll's throat. Each time the human's warm lips were pressed against his skin, he felt a shiver run down his spine.

No, fuck this. Throwing caution to the wind, Karkat laced a hand through the back of Dirk's hair, feeling the starchiness from the metric fuckton of hair products the human must use, and tugged. Even as he did it, Karkat had a sense of impending doom, a knowledge that this was stupid after Dirk had just told him off for biting, but he was pissed and aroused and not some wiggler to be coddled and teased.

To the troll's surprise, Dirk made a deep noise against Karkat's throat and nipped at him. Arousal rushed straight to Karkat's bulge and nook, and he felt flushed all over. Karkat pulled again, a little harder.

“Fuck,” Dirk whispered. “But seriously, don't fucking overdo it.”

“But this is good?” Karkat eased his grip, heart pounding.

“You're the master of romance. Figure it out. Do I look like the sort of guy who's gonna roll over and give you all his secrets on a silver platter?”

“So you'll teach me how to kiss but not actually tell me what feels good?” Karkat twisted, purposefully messing up Dirk's stupid hairstyle.

Dirk pulled back but didn't pry Karkat's hand off. His look was faltering from its usual bored neutrality, and there was something in it that made Karkat kiss him again, harshly and hungrily, careful of his teeth but mimicking Dirk's early motions of exploratory tongue usage. Dirk moaned again slightly and he shifted against Karkat. The friction of the human's bulge against his was tantalizing. Still, a part of him felt self-conscious – not to mention wasn't sure how Dirk would react to his anatomy, so Karkat just jutted his hips up slightly while Dirk caressed Karkat's bottom lip with his tongue.

Karkat tried to use his grip on Dirk to force the human off, trying to push him back onto the bed, but Dirk's legs were firmly in place, clamped around Karkat. His arousal didn't die, but as Karkat struggled, each movement only serving to rut against Dirk further, it became harder and harder not to bite Dirk or grab his throat or use the hand in his hair to do something more than playful and actually fucking hurt him.

“Get off of me, you fucker,” Karkat finally gasped, releasing Dirk's hair to claw at the bed, digging his nails into the sheets.

“Why? You seem to be enjoying yourself just fine. Or are you pissed that someone else has the upper hand?”

Karkat turned his head to the side, breathing in deeply. The cotton smelled like Dirk, but there was an underlying, unmistakable scent of Dave. Vividly, Karkat remembered struggling with Dave, getting tangled up in his cloak and inhaling his scent. His desire turned into yearning and he closed his eyes.

_You've imagined Dave on top of you, just like this, teasing you and insisting it's fucking nothing, nothing romantic, nothing sexual, just a good old fashioned beat-down as he holds down your shoulders and rubs his groin against yours, his lips so close to yours but never quite touching._

_So is this really about you not getting over Dave?_

Confusion, anger, and not an inconsiderable amount of self-disgust flooded Karkat.

“Are you fucking deaf? Or just dumb? Get off of me or I swear I'll rip a clump out of your idiotic, anime-styled hairdo.”

Dirk's expression tightened and he gracefully swung off of Karkat and hopped off the bed without another word.

“Doesn't no mean fucking no in your culture-” Karkat began, unable to contemplate silence falling between them because he couldn't just run off again; he felt sick to his stomach imagining Dirk not talking to him, Dirk blaming him for all this again.

“Yeah.”

“For someone who's infinitely more experienced you still don't have a grasp of some of the most basic fucking things. Then again you were dating a human so I don't expect you to fully grasp the complexity that is concupiscent emotion and relation. But it's not fair of you to be fucking controlling me and teasing me and all that shit without -”

“What, did you think this was going to be some sort of caliginous thing?”

“I don't know,” Karkat blurted out before he could think. “I guess – well you were provoking me and being difficult and you've made it clear now that it's not platonic!”

“Yeah. I just don't know if I'm really equipped to handle this combination of loathing and burning passion that's required for that. You can classify your feelings however you damn well please, but I don't really think mine qualify such. If you're coming into this with some expectation of violent, vigorous hatesex, I'm probably gonna be a letdown, and I don't want to feel pressured into changing what I'm comfortable with to fit inside your cultural box. Not saying I'm not into kinky shit, mind you, but it's gotta be negotiated and not just taken for fucking granted. I'm sure for trolls there's a cultural narrative and set of expectations about that stuff, like there is for human flushed romance, but I'm not working with that and frankly I'm not really interested in educating myself solely for the purposes of living up to another society's expectations. If you want anything like that, you're gonna have to discuss it.

Dirk shoved his hands in his pockets, glancing away, like he knew he'd just rambled and felt a little silly about it.

“That makes sense.” Karkat, on the other hand, was feeling utterly hopeless with words. It was a lot to process, so plainly and suddenly laid out.

“If you need some time to go think about it, that's fine. I should've said something sooner.”

Karkat's heart sunk. It felt like a rejection.

_You're getting upset because he's being honest about his concerns, really? Even though everything he's said makes it sounds like he wants to do more with you, like he actually fucking wants you in his flushed quadrant?_

_And he thinks you're trying to push your cultural notions on him. And you yourself said that you want him caliginously._

Well fuck.

“Yeah, maybe I should.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long for this to go up!!! Hope it's worth the wait.


	12. Useless

_Well, does Karkat want caliginous romance or flushed romance? He didn't even have a straight answer when you asked him._

_Yeah, because you put him on the spot, and clearly freaked him out. You fucked up royally._

Lying alone in bed after Karkat left, Dirk's mind kept playing and replaying the scenario of a few hours ago.

_To be fair, he was sending you mixed signals. This wouldn't be the first time he's done something like that; in one of the memos, Karkat admitted to wanting Terezi in every quadrant like a desperate fool._

_That's not even vacillation; he's suffered from at least one inarguable case of straight-up quadrant confusion in the past._

_Why's it so important to you anyway? Are you actually viewing this as a potential romance, not just a rebound or much-desired expansion of sexual experience?_

_Romance? It sounds utterly ludicrous put like that._

An image jumped to his mind of standing out on a balcony with Karkat at midnight, holding hands and gazing into each others' eyes with the stars twinkling above. It was absurd enough to make Dirk's lips twitch in amusement.

_Just because you spurn the saccharine trappings of stereotypical romance doesn't mean you lack romantic interests. You would have thought the idea of doing any of that with Jake equally preposterous and you clearly had romantic feelings for him._

But Dirk didn't really want to compare this to Jake, not in the least because that hadn't been a healthy relationship, nor was it something Dirk wanted to think about. Honestly though, any marker to which he could compare his feelings was going to be inherently flawed. There were media depictions of romance, and Dirk's relationship with Jake, and the limited exposure to his friends' relationships, but that was it. Even if he had known a lot more real people with real relationships, they still would have provided imperfect information. Feelings weren't something quantifiable, nor something that could be downloaded and uploaded between brains to objectively measure on some scale of “real love.”

_Love? Dude, back the fuck up. Shift this thing into reverse, turn your head the fuck around, and look out the back of the vehicle to see where you should be actually going. You just drove straight into a muddy ditch the night after a rainstorm. Get out now before you get so mired down you aren't going fucking anywhere else until morning, and end up a hell of a lot messier and more unhappy than you started._

Dirk awoke the next morning determined to not let thoughts like that haunt him continuously. Over the next couple of days, he kept himself occupied with improvements to the robot. The days were spent on endless tinkering, pausing only occasionally to look something up in one of the manuals. He made a couple of notes on questions he had, but tried not to think further about Karkat or what the hell was up with that.

No, Dirk was able to keep Karkat out of his mind quite successfully until he collapsed into bed at night and found the thought of Karkat's lips wandering down his body coming to mind uninvited while jacking off. Thankfully, he fell asleep quickly afterward, and he made no move to initiate conversation with the troll, nor vice versa. He tried not to think of it as missing him.

Roxy messaged him a bit, but less often than Dirk was used to; apparently she was hanging out with Kanaya much of the time. But still, when a new notification popped up in the corner of Dirk's glasses while he was working on the robot, long past when he should have headed to bed, his first assumption was Roxy.

Surprisingly, it wasn't her, nor Karkat, nor Jake.

\--gutsyGumshoe  [GG]  began pestering timaeusTestified  [TT] \--  
GG: How are you, Mr. Strider?  
TT: Detective Crocker, what a pleasant surprise.  
TT: Long time, no talk.  
GG: I'd say so! :B  
GG: It's been a week. We don't even have the excuse of being on separate planets.  
GG: I feel as though I've been a bit negligent, not checking in on you sooner.  
TT: If that's negligence, I feel obliged to point out that it's mutual and hence we'd be equally guilty.  
TT: As much as I appreciate the sentiment.  
GG: Perhaps, but it's not really a matter of guilt!  
GG: How have you been?  
TT: Fine as the tip of a ballpoint pen straight off the factory line. How about yourself?  
GG: Just dandy, I suppose.  
GG: I've been meaning to catch up with you.  
GG: Are you free now?  
TT: For conversation? Clearly so.  
GG: I was thinking something more in person.  
GG: I'm about to go bake some fresh bread, actually, if you'd like to join me.  
TT: I'll take a raincheck.  
TT: I'm ass-deep in robot parts right now, almost but not quite literally.  
GG: It's just me, not me and Jake, if that's your concern.  
TT: What would ever give you an idea like that?  
GG: Hoohoo, very funny.  
GG: Such subtle sarcasm. :B  
TT: What ever gave it away.  
GG: Heh.  
GG: I'm sorry he's been pushy about us all hanging out. I really do want to at some point, but I also want to catch up with you, and I know it won't be the same with him there.  
TT: It's not a big deal.  
GG: But you're actually occupied right now? As I said, Jake's not with me.  
GG: He's fiddling around in Can Town with Roxy, Kanaya, and Terezi.  
TT: What, no Can Town for you? Did you not have an up-to-date passport, or were you turned away at the border for attempting to smuggle Batterwitch propaganda across the border?  
GG: I told Jake I had some boring things to catch up on, and the allure of alien girls was enough for him to cease pestering me.  
TT: You're not jealous at all?  
GG: No, it's convenient. And I'm not the jealous type.  
GG: I don't think I am. Well, I was envious when he was with you, but that was because I didn't have him, and you did.  
GG: I don't seriously think he's going to pursue either of the troll girls. He may be a bit inconsiderate by accident at times, but he wouldn't try to cheat on me.  
TT: If it's black romance, then from some perspectives it wouldn't be cheating. Not that I think Jake would be capable of that; I don't know if any human really is.  
GG: “Black romance”???  
TT: Right.  
TT: You never got the full lesson in the intricacies of troll romance, did you?  
GG: No...  
TT: Never mind then.  
GG: How am I supposed to reasonably “never mind” something like that?  
TT: Because I don't think it's actually relevant.  
GG: You just said something about Jake potentially cheating on me...  
TT: Nah, he's not going to cheat on you.  
TT: But some of what trolls consider flirting is different than what we take as a come-on. They have different expectations and signals for one of their romantic quadrants.  
GG: This seems pretty darn relevant Strider!  
GG: Has one of us been unintentionally hitting on a troll???  
TT: Other than me, I don't think so.  
GG: Oh! Well then.  
GG: Do I want to know?  
TT: As flattered as I am by the implication, sadly I'm not actually a mind reader.  
GG: That was an invitation to use your discretion.  
TT: I'm gonna have to err on the side of “Next topic” then.  
GG: Sounds good.  
GG: You mentioned something about robots? What exactly have you been up to?  
TT: Yeah, I've been working on robot repairs. One of the deceased trolls left quite a collection.  
GG: Very nice.  
GG: I'm quite glad you've been able to pick up your robotics hobby again! :B  
TT: Yeah.  
GG: I've been baking a lot. Or alchemizing, technically. If only I could figure out how to alchemize an oven! But alas.  
GG: I have some questions to ask Rose about how best to prepare food with it when she gets back. I think I'm getting a good handle on it, though I do miss having a real oven. Really all I can do is baking with this blasted thing.  
TT: Isn't alchemizing faster than using a real oven?  
GG: Yes, but it lacks that homemade touch.  
TT: I fail to see how it's any more or less homemade than throwing some stuff in a cake mix.  
GG: I guess it's just the feeling of putting more work in.  
GG: Did you know the first cake mixes contained powdered egg? They actually went back and altered the recipe to have housewives add fresh eggs, so that they felt more like they were making it from scratch.  
TT: Batterwitch at it again.  
GG: It's that feeling of participation, you know? Even if there's a more efficient way to do it.  
TT: People like to feel like they're making a difference, even when they aren't.  
TT: Like us in our session. We could have done dick, and it would have resulted in the same thing.  
TT: None of it mattered.  
GG: I suppose, but we didn't know that at the time.  
GG: I know it's frustrating, especially now that we're diddling our thumbs while our parents are out there.  
TT: They've been gone for three weeks now.  
GG: Do you think that bodes poorly?  
TT: I know it doesn't bode well. But if Lord English had won, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now, on account of the entire multiverse no longer existing.  
GG: Small comfort, I suppose?  
TT: I just don't know what's going on.  
GG: I wouldn't let yourself get too caught up in that though. It's not going to change anything.  
TT: Right back to our last point.  
TT: If we're just going in circles, I won't keep you. Go ahead and enjoy your baking.  
GG: Thanks. Let me know if you want to chat more though.  
TT: Will do.  
GG: Bye!  
\- gutsyGumshoe  [GG]  has ceased pestering timaeusTestified  [TT] -

Several more hours passed in silence. Dirk was just about to call it a night when he received another notification.

\- carcinoGeneticist  [CG]  began trolling timaeusTestified  [TT] -  
CG: HEY  
TT: Hey.  
CG: SO  
CG: HOW IS IT GOING?  
TT: Fine. I was about to go to bed.  
CG: OH.  
CG: I GUESS I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER THEN.

Dirk mentally slapped himself for mentioning that. Of course Karkat would take that as a hint to shut up. His heart pounded and he quickly typed a response.

TT: No, don't worry about it.  
CG: IS THAT YOUR HUMAN SARCASM AGAIN?  
CG: IT REALLY ISN'T AS ENTERTAINING AS YOU THINK IT IS.  
CG: HOW DOES YOUR SOCIETY EVEN MANAGE TO FUNCTION WITH THAT ENDLESS MASQUERADE OF FAUX-COMMUNICATION SUBSTITUTING FOR ANY SUBSTANTIAL, EARNEST EXCHANGE OF INFORMATION?  
TT: No, I'm being serious.  
CG: … OKAY.  
CG: IN THAT CASE, HOW WAS YOUR DAY?  
TT: Eh. Fine.  
TT: Yours?  
CG: PRETTY MUCH ON PAR WITH 99% OF THE OTHER DAYS I'VE SPENT ON THIS FUCKING SPACEROCK, WHICH IS TO SAY MIND-NUMBINGLY BORING.  
TT: What's with this unaccounted for 1%?  
CG: ARE YOU SUGGESTING MY LIFE SHOULD BE 100% DEVOID OF EXCITEMENT?  
CG: PERHAPS I'M JUST BEING GENEROUS AND ROUNDING DOWN FROM 99 POINT 9 REPEATING PERCENT.  
CG: I SERIOUSLY THOUGHT THIS MONOTONY WAS OVER WHEN WE REACHED THE NEW SESSION  
CG: BUT *NO.*  
CG: US USELESS TROLLS WERE TOLD TO PARK OUR ASSES RIGHT WHERE THEY WERE AND WAIT UNTIL THE LIGHT TURNED GREEN WHILE THE COOL KIDS GOT TO ZOOM OFF AND DETERMINE THE FATE OF THE ENTIRE FUCKING MULTIVERSE.  
TT: You think I like it any better than you?  
TT: Are you seriously suggesting you're the only one who feels useless here?

Maybe Dirk was more tired than he thought, considering he just hit enter without thinking twice. It was a fatuous thing to say, but part of him wanted to just vent.

_Like Karkat's never embarrassed himself in front of you?_

_Sure, but he's not exactly someone I should be striving to emulate on that count._

TT: First we do jack shit in our session, and now we're sitting around like kids waiting for daddy to come home from work.  
TT: Except that work is fighting an ultrapowerful demon, and daddy may never come home.  
TT: OK, considering that some of them are our ecto-parents that simile may be a bit too close to home.  
CG: DO YOU MAYBE WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS IN PERSON?  
TT: What?  
CG: NEVER MIND.  
TT: No, I'm not objecting. Just confused.  
CG: IT SEEMED LIKE YOU'RE GETTING KIND OF WORKED UP ABOUT THIS  
CG: SO I THOUGHT I SHOULD OFFER TO COME BY AND DISTRACT YOU OR SOMETHING.  
CG: THEN AGAIN, WHEN I PUT IT LIKE THAT IT SOUNDS DUMB. NOT TO MENTION WAY TOO PALE.  
TT: What, even basic gestures of emotional support are exclusively in the domain of moirallegiance?  
CG: NO, NOT EXACTLY.  
TT: And don't tell me I'm not sophisticated enough to understand the intricacies of your ultra-complex relationship grid.  
TT: I'll be up for a little while longer if you decide to stop by.  
CG: FINE.

Dirk didn't look up from his laptop when someone rapped on the door a few minutes later.

“Come in.”

Karkat entered, hands shoved in the pockets of his pants. He headed towards where Dirk was on the bed, but froze a few steps away.

“You can sit with me,” Dirk said, answering what he presumed Karkat was thinking. Judging by the look on the troll's face and how he hopped up as soon as Dirk said that, his presumption was apparently accurate.

“Are you still torn up about the session failure?” Karkat asked, awkwardly breaking the silence.

“No, I've recovered in the past four minutes, thirty-three seconds,” Dirk deadpanned.

“OK, stupid fucking question. But beating yourself up is completely unhelpful. I would know.”

“I was the planner in our group. I devised how to get us into the game in the first place. If I had done a better job, our universe wouldn't have been completely goddamn impotent."

“For Rose's ridiculously convoluted plan to work, it was actually advantageous your universe was impotent,” Karkat pointed out, swinging his legs up and down a bit as he spoke.

Dirk felt a stab of annoyance. It wasn't that simple; that wasn't the point. If anything, that made him feel worse, knowing that whatever he could have done wouldn't have been enough. That it was all just part of someone else's master plan.

“So my impotence benefited by ecto-mother? I'm not sure how that's supposed to cheer me up; please do enlighten me.”

Karkat opened his mouth and promptly closed it again. Dirk could practically see veins pulsing in Karkat's forehead as the troll visibly fought the urge to snark back.

“Have you conveniently and kindly forgiven yourself for all the fuck-ups you made in your session?” Dirk continued before Karkat could lose the battle against his own verbosity and interrupt. “And you actually had a viable session; you made a new universe. I can't even say that.”

Despite himself, Dirk felt a glimmer of admiration for the troll's efforts towards self-control. Karkat's hands were curled into balls, and his little fangs were poking into his bottom lip in a clear attempt to not blurt something out. The troll lasted all of three seconds of silence.

“It's fucking insulting for you to act like I can't truly relate. Yeah, I did something - I gave the entire human universe cancer, which led to this never-ending shit cyclone! How the fuck do you think that makes me feel?”

“It's not actually your fault. We both know the causality is way more complicated than that-”

Dirk was cut off by Karkat's lips as the troll grabbed the neck of his shirt and swooped in.

“Can't shut yourself up unless you do something else with your mouth, huh?” Dirk said, amused, as the kiss broke.

“Are you fucking kidding me? No reward for my ingenuity?”

“While I admire the stab at sarcasm there, it's hardly ingenuity, first of all. That's one of the oldest tricks in the book. And furthermore, I'm completely right. You are literally incapable of not running your mouth without some other distraction.”

“The Strider sass never fucking stops, does it?”

For all of said Strider sass, Dirk didn't object when Karkat kissed him again a little more fiercely. He placed his hands on the troll's shoulders and started to grip tightly, but loosened them a moment later when he remembered how well aggressiveness had gone over in the past. He didn't want to give the troll any nonverbal signals to turn things overly rough all of a sudden.

Honestly, Dirk yearned to clutch Karkat hard enough to make the troll moan, to provoke him into hurting Dirk, to tumble around in bed. But troll sexual norms were clearly much different than human ones, so there was no non-verbal way to reliably provoke the response he wanted instead of getting bitten hard enough to bleed, or thrown off the bed, or some other sort of non-sexy pain.

_You could always discuss it with him.Not right now, obviously, but at some point. If you're still too much of a kid to talk about hooking up, you're still too much of a kid to actually be hooking up._

_What the hell am I supposed to say? “Hey, here's a checklist of all the things I'm cool with, and all the stuff that's not ok. I've shown you mine, now show me yours.”_

Actually that wasn't a completely terrible idea.

Dirk felt his train of thought slipping away. To his displeasure, he wasn't merely being distracted by Karkat's mouth - now wandering down his jawline - but rather Dirk was having trouble focusing due to an undeniable wave of exhaustion.

He must have been up for nearly twenty-four hours at this point. Meanwhile, the troll released Dirk's collar and slid down to wrap around the human's waist.

Tired or not, Dirk didn't want it to stop. Karkat's tongue snaked out and flicked Dirk's earlobe, sending a shock of warm desire right down his spine. The troll shifted in closer and circled the metal stud earring with his tongue before gently wrapping his lips around Dirk's earlobe and sucking. The human squeezed his partner more tightly, and fought off a great desire to drift off to sleep.

After a moment of sucking, Karkat pulled his mouth away and yawned loudly. Dirk tried not to emulate him but it was contagious; as soon as Karkat's mouth was open he followed suit.

“Didn't you say you were tired when we were talking online?” Karkat said, eyeing Dirk suspiciously.

“Well, yeah, but this is nice too.”

“You shouldn't have let me distract you,” Karkat grumbled, cuddling closer but not making any move to put his mouth to use again. “Go count some woolbeasts.”

“I just told you this was nice.”

“So's not falling asleep in the middle of a make-out session. We can continue in the morning.” Despite his proclamation, the troll made no move to get up.

“Does that mean you're leaving?” Dirk asked.

Karkat glared and opened his mouth, appearing to ready a retort but being interrupted by another yawn.

_If he announces that and doesn't move from your bed, he might want to sleep with you. If that's that even possible?_

“Don't you need to be in your gross slime pit to sleep?” continued Dirk.

“Technically, no,” Karkat mumbled.

“So does the sopor play a role in maintaining sleep, or does it simply help you fall asleep in the first place? If it's the latter, then that would suggest if you're tired enough – or if you just get conditioned – you could fall asleep without it? If it's the former, this might not be the best idea.”

“Sopor just makes you sleepy, ok?” Karkat's voice was muffled as he pressed his mouth against Dirk's chest, the rounded nub of one horn rubbing against the human's face. Dirk was immediately thankful that the troll who wanted in his bed was one who the only one whose cranial extrusions didn't pose some sort of stabbing or slicing risk. All he had to worry about were the teeth and claws, the latter of which were still noticeably sharp through his pajama shirt.

“Loosen up with the nails a bit. I promise I'm not going to bolt on you even if you don't have your claws fully sunk into my flesh.” Dirk reached up and rubbed the candy corn horn that wasn't shoved against his face. The surface was cool to the touch and perfectly smooth; as the human suspected, Karkat didn't even seem to feel it. They must be made of keratin, or a similar substance, not something live and connected to the nervous system.

“Way to make me sound insecure,” muttered Karkat, though he complied.

“So why's sopor so widespread?” Dirk asked, genuinely curious even as sleep was now imminent. “Was insomnia a chronic problem on Alternia?"

“Shut up, Strider,” Karkat groaned, gently butting Dirk's chest with his head. “If you don't put a sock in it right fucking now, I will have to go back and climb into said sopor to get any rest. It'll be hard enough staying in a weird position out in the air without you blabbering.”

“I'll pipe down but only if you take off your shoes before getting in bed.” Dirk swung his feet up and climbed into a comfortable position as Karkat did so.

“Does someone else being with you make it harder to fall asleep?” Dirk asked a minute later as he pulled the sheets around both of them.

“No, you dumbass. I wouldn't even be trying it if you weren't here.” Karkat's voice was remarkably quiet. “Having you here is comforting. But don't quote me on this sappy horseshit when I'm actually awake again.”

“No promises.” Dirk kissed Karkat's hair and shifted, one hand idly playing with the troll's horns and hair. “Sleep well."

_I'm pretty sure this qualifies as romantic._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am terribly sorry this took so long. The good news is, as you can see from my other works, I am definitely back in the fandom and should be around at least long enough to finish NOLMANDI. For any of you coming back after the super-long hiatus, thank you. It's good to have you back! I promise the next chapter will be done before the end of January, at absolute latest.


	13. Chapter 13

Karkat did not sleep well. In fact, he wasn’t sure sleep was going to happen at all tonight. He hadn't fallen asleep outside of his recuperacoon in months, with the exception of a short nap or two in a pile, so despite being exhausted, his body was being extremely uncooperative with actually passing out. Dirk's presence was a little strange and didn’t help with the sleeping bit, but at least he was warm. Feeling the human next to him, Karkat felt a sort of flushed intimacy, and not even a pang of pitch.

_That'll change as soon as he opens his mouth. He’ll say something cocky and obnoxiously right and you’ll start vacillating again._

_How can it be vacillating if the other participant doesn't even feel caliginous emotions? Dirk himself said that he didn’t think he was capable of it. Their culture doesn’t have the concept of kismessitude, so even if he could go through some of the motions, he would never fully grasp it. He wouldn’t feel it like you do._

_But he did say he was potentially interested in kinky stuff, so that’s a plus._

Several possibilities drifted through Karkat’s mind, and he snuggled in close to Dirk. It was hard to get comfortable while still wearing pants, but it was a little late for that now. Or was it? While he didn’t feel particularly shy - they were just pants, and he had decently modest underwear underneath - he wasn’t sure how Dirk would react to waking up to him pantless.

_He’d probably just make some quip about it and move on. Why the fuck is this even an issue you’re dwelling on? They’re just pants!_

Just _uncomfortable_ pants. In sopor, Karkat slept naked; even though he napped in piles wearing clothing, he had never been fond of it, and it certainly wasn’t suitable for a full day's sleep. Or full night, by human standards.

Karkar shifted away from his partner towards the edge of the bed, right up against the wall, and carefully started to unzip his pants. Dirk stirred slightly but showed no other signs of noticing. Working slowly and doing his best to be as quiet as possible, the troll started to pull his pants down. It was a surprisingly difficult task, given the narrow bed and the fact that fabric was so damn loud. Both the sheets and his clothing seemed to cause a ruckus when juxtaposed with the near-silence that had previously been punctuated only by Dirk's soft breathing.

Finally, Karkat shimmied his pants off his ankles and tossed them over Dirk onto the floor where they landed with a thump. Dirk turned and Karkat's blood pusher pounded, worried that he woke the human up and that he was going to be pissed off.

Well, Karkat was half-right. Dirk was definitely awake now, reaching out a hand and running it down the troll’s still-clothed arm. Tentatively, Karkat returned the gesture, tracing the human’s subtly muscular forearm with his fingertips and moving in closer.

_Good job, taking off your pants but still wearing a shirt. That won’t look dumb at all when the lights come back on._

_Are you capable of any thoughts that aren’t completely inane, you taintchafing moron?_

"You know you could've taken those off before getting in bed," Dirk said, a hint of amusement in his voice.

"Yeah, I know, I just didn't," snapped Karkat. In retrospect, obviously he should have. After all, when he walked in, Dirk had only been wearing boxers and a pajama shirt; it wouldn't have been weird. But of course, around Dirk sometimes the logical part of his brain moved slower than half-frozen sap, so it hadn't really occurred to Karkat until they were in bed with the lights off.

"Think you'll be comfortable now, or do you need to take something else off?" Dirk asked.

"If you're suggesting it and you're already awake, then why the fuck not I guess," Karkat grumbled, sitting up so he could pull his shirt off over his head.

As Karkat sunk back down, shirt discarded, Dirk slid his hands down his now-bare chest, fingertips trailing along his stomach to the waistband of his boxers. His bulge twitched and he gripped Dirk's shoulder tightly.

"Tell me if I do anything you aren't down for, ok? Or if I'm heading in that direction," Dirk said, running a finger along the line of Karkat's abdomen right above his underwear. 

"Or you could just fucking tell me your intentions," Karkat replied, speaking too quickly from nerves. Well this was escalating quickly. He knew exactly what Dirk had in mind, so why the fuck was he getting pissy? Once again, he was ruining everything before it had even gone anywhere.

"Fair enough," Dirk replied. Surprisingly, he sounded not in the least put off. "Better to ask permission than forgiveness with sex."

"Sex?" Karkat echoed stupidly, desire spiraling all the way down to his nook. He was hyper-aware of just how warm Dirk’s hand on him was.

"Not that that's what I'm proposing right now. I meant 'sex' as a synecdoche there, referring to everything in that realm of physical intimacy."

"Yeah, I mean, not that I'm opposed to sex," Karkat blurted out. Silence followed; no sound from Dirk, no rustling of sheets, nothing but his heartbeat in his ears. "Fuck, I don't mean right now, I kind of want to but not unless you want to. I mean I'm not even sure what the hell sex usually entails for humans so-"

Dirk swallowed the troll's flustered ramblings with a kiss so deep that for a moment Karkat felt like he would drown in it.

"I want to touch you," Dirk breathed. Karkat shivered as the human’s fingers danced along his stomach. "And if you're really up for it, I want fuck you too."

"Fuck yes."

Immediately, the human's hand slipped under his waistband and wrapped around his bulge, eliciting a gasp from Karkat. Dirk gripped it tightly, and his bulge attempted vainly to move slightly in his grasp. It was a little bit _too_ tight, but not enough so that the troll wanted to complain.

"Huh, fascinating.”

"What?" Karkat asked quickly.

"It's just different than a human penis. I expected that, of course, but a hands-on experience is miles away from the theoretical knowledge. It's not a bad thing, just novel.”

"I'm glad," Karkat replied sarcastically, interrupted by a gasp as Dirk rubbed his thumb over the tip. "Fuck, just be a little gentler, okay?"

"Sorry." Dirk removed his thumb and loosened his grip. "That better?"

"Yeah, better, but you can put your thumb back." Karkat hummed as the human returned his finger to its previous ministrations. "Yeah, there..."

Dirk's thumb rubbed the sensitive underside of Karkat's bulge, right up to the slit near its tip. Karkat leaned in and kissed him, muffling his own noises with the human's mouth. Dirk carefully caressed Karkat's length with his fingers, slowly moving to explore every inch. Meanwhile, Karkat's nook began to ache. He could feel himself starting to get wet, and desperately wished that Dirk's other hand would slide inside of him.

Fumbling in the dark, it took Karkat a moment to find the spot on Dirk he has looking for. After bumping Dirk’s arm, Karkat’s fingers moved in and landed on his muscular abdomen. He traced the taut flesh through the cotton of his shirt for a few moments before landing at the top of his boxers. Dirk broke their kiss and pulled away, worrying the troll for a moment. His fears were dismissed when there was some rustling, followed by the sound of two pieces of clothing landing on the floor. Dirk was now naked. In the pitch black it unfortunately didn't have quite the same immediate impact, but as he shifted back in and Karkat ran a hand from the human's naked collarbone down to his bare hip, the troll's breath began to quicken.

As Dirk moved in even closer, Karkat felt something stiff bump against his own bulge before the human reached in to stroke him again. Heart pounding, Karkat moved his hand towards Dirk's groin. His fingers brushed against a patch of hair - humans had fur in the strangest places - before wrapping around Dirk's bulge. It was surprisingly firm and not at all tapered. There was a distinct head, rounded and, judging by how the human moved his hips and gasped quietly, particularly sensitive. The whole thing was longer than Karkat's by at least an inch, probably two. How big were human bulges, normally? Add to that how stiff and relatively thick it was…

_You shouldn't have begged him to fuck you right away, you idiot._

_He's not pushing for it right now. You can just tell him you changed your mind._

_And if he's pissed by that?_

_Then he’s a serious, unironic creeptastic skeezepail._

Karkat shook the thought out of his mind and focused on stroking Dirk while the human returned the favor. Their renewed kissing grew more careless as the troll focused on creating a steady rhythm with his hand, fighting the pleasing distraction of Dirk's fingers on his bulge. With his free hand, Karkat reached around to hold the back of Dirk's neck, very gently scraping his claws against the delicate skin there.

Dirk adjusted his hips slightly, sort of thrusting himself in Karkat’s hand, and withdrew his tongue though still doing his best to move his lips in sync with Karkat's. If he was so clearly distracted, that was good, right? What Dirk was doing to him, meanwhile, felt really good, but luckily wasn't anything that would risk of staining the sheets with genetic material in the near future.

 _Luckily?_ Karkat's nook was slick yet neglected, and he had a momentary urge to put one of his own hands down there. But no, it was better that he didn’t orgasm right now. He felt awkward bringing up the bucket thing, and if Dirk didn’t stop at the right time, or wasn’t prepared, fuck, whatever happened, the sheets would probably end getting soaked. And of course _he'd_ be the one who would have to fall back asleep on them.

Dirk's length felt warm and unyielding in Karkat's hand, with surprisingly soft skin in seeming contrast to how rigid it was. Despite his wrist starting to ache in a decidedly unsexy way from the repetitive motion, Karkat focused his attentions on their kiss. It was difficult to concentrate with Dirk's hand sliding up and down his bulge in a very similar way to how Karkat was touching him. Not enough to get off with, certainly, but more than enough to make focusing damn hard. The troll could only assume that this was how humans usually touched themselves. It wasn’t quite as ideal for his more flexible bulge, but still pretty fucking good. Besides, _Dirk finally has his hands on you_ and the thought alone sent a wave of arousal through the troll, sucking enthusiastically on the human's bottom lip.

Dirk gasped against Karkat's mouth, and the troll pumped just a bit harder. Dirk's hand slowed on Karkat's bulge, the strokes becoming erratic, but he didn't mind. Especially not when, moments later, he felt Dirk's cock pulse and the human drew his lips away to moan, "Fuck, yes, don't fuckin' stop."

Karkat worked furiously, sore wrist be damned, even as some thick fluid spilled out and ran down the back of his hand. He didn't stop until Dirk winced and placed a hand on his arm.

"Thank you." Dirk sounded breathless.

"Stupid question but did you ..."

"Yeah. Sorry. I know you wanted to get fucked but I figured your eyes were bigger than your nook."

"I can't even fucking see anything! It's still pitch black in here."

"Metaphorically."

"I know, it was just a stupid metaphor," Karkat grumbled. He wiped his hand off on Dirk's chest.

"Charming."

"Where the fuck else do you want me to put it?"

"You could hold on a few seconds and let me grab you a towel or something." Dirk planted a quick kiss on the troll's lips before swinging his legs off the bed and hopping down. Karkat barely had time to turn his head down towards the pillow and squeeze his eyes shut before he heard the light switch being flipped.

"Think you can turn over without burning your eyes out? Or do trolls have extremely delicate circadian rhythms, and if you look you won't be able to sleep right for a month?"

Karkat pulled himself up, eyelids still scrunched shut, and winced. Even with them closed, the room seemed as harshly bright as the Alternian day.

"Can't you just turn it off and we can try to get back to fucking sleeping?" Karkat asked irritably.

"You’re the one who woke us up. Besides, I thought you might still be too worked up to fall asleep," replied Dirk, placing a hand on the troll's knee.

"I'll manage."

"I don't doubt you would, but I'm not offering purely out of altruism."

"Well I want to wait until evening - morning, whatever - when the light doesn't make me want to skewer my vision orbs out of their sockets."

Karkat half-expected the human to keep pressing and was pleasantly surprised when instead, the lights flicked off again.

Of course, actually falling asleep was still no easy task. Karkat cuddled up against Dirk's pleasant warmth once the human climbed back into bed, both of them pulling their boxers back on but not their shirts. His thoughts kept straying to his own nether regions, which hadn't quite gotten the message that it was time to count some fucking woolbeasts.

Karkat wasn't sure exactly how familiar Dirk was with troll anatomy, and that uncertainty nagged at him. Dirk's bulge was so rigid; did he think Karkat's was strange? What about his nook? Dirk hadn't even tried to touch that.

_Yeah and you didn't exactly explore him thoroughly either, did you? You barely felt what else he had other than his bulge._

Well, Karkat knew enough to know that the external, sac-dangling reproductive organs behind human penises weren't exactly erogenous zones. No need to go exploring there. But Karkat had had three years of living with two humans - not to mention his extensive research into human cinema. What did Dirk have?

_You paste-eating cretin, he grew up knowing about troll reproduction. The Condesce ruled the Earth in his universe, remember?_

Oh. Right.

_Now can you stop fucking worrying and sleep?_

Sleep didn't come quickly, but it must have eventually, or how else could Karkat be waking up to the feeling of Dirk's hand in his hair? The light didn't seem as awful this time, though he still took his sweet time cautiously blinking and opening his eyes.

"Good morning, sunshine," Dirk drawled.

"Good fucking evening," Karkat replied, rubbing his eyes.

“Still want that orgasm?”

Karkat felt his face go red at Dirk’s directness, but as he lowered his hands, he saw Dirk, not wearing his shades, looking at him intently. He contemplated backing away in embarrassment, but instead he simply gazed into Dirk’s eyes, mesmerized. All of his arousal from earlier began to rise again in as the human gently placed his hands on Karkat’s waist.

“Well at least you’re direct,” Karkat managed, with less snap than he intended.

Karkat lifted his hips to let Dirk pull off his boxers. The human did so carefully, lifting the waistband over Karkat's bulge and down past the where his crimson-tinted folds met at its base. Karkat felt his entire body ache with desire and he shifted slightly with poorly disguised impatience.

Dirk, apparently sensing said impatience, tossed the boxers aside and pushed the troll’s legs apart. He reached down to grab something before settling himself between the troll's legs, a bucket in one hand.

“Why the fuck do you have that already? You’re getting way ahead of yourself!" Karkat barked, flushing.

"If do my job right, you’ll need it.” Dirk, setting the bucket near Karkat's waist, spoke with enough confidence that any doubts Karkat had had about the human's knowledge of troll anatomy were soundly banished.

"Key word there is 'if'," Karkat replied. He was not going to melt, not even with Dirk's hands sliding up his thighs.

"I'm not so proud that I can't enlist your help if I hit a wall. You do masturbate, right?" Dirk's hands slowed as they neared Karkat's groin. "But I don't think I'll need to."

"Because you are obviously such a master lover. Let's put your face on the cover of every pulp romance novel, because how the fuck could anyone be a more fitting portrayal of eroticism than you? You're the walking embodiment of pure fucking, fuck, sex!"

Karkat's voice hitched as Dirk's fingers brushed against the small, soft lips that shielded the entrance beneath them. With his other hand, the human slid up and reached for Karkat's bulge. The troll's body lit up with the intertwined sensations of need and pleasure, wanting more but already heated and overwhelmed with the wonderful feeling of Dirk's fingers against such sensitive skin.

“As opposed to non-fucking sex,” drawled Dirk. “Your vocabulary is so diverse, yet you use that word like a crutch when you get distracted or bashful.”

“I am not fucking bashful,” Karkat hissed as Dirk traced the delicate folds, right from where they met neatly at the base of his bulge, down to where they faded into the crease of his buttocks. The tip of his bulge curled down slightly, like it was trying to wrap around the top finger holding it. Stupid, quasi-prehensile thing.

“May I penetrate you?” he asked calmly, fingers on the outside of his nook sliding up again, pressing gently. Karkat bit his bottom lip to muffle an embarrassingly needy sound at the direct inquiry.

“Please,” Karkat breathed. “But I -” he gasped and bit back the word that danced on his tongue as one finger so carefully slipped between his folds “- I don’t say that word too much. I use it precisely as much as it’s called for!”

“Is it bad form to argue with someone when you’re trying to get them off?” Dirk experimentally held a finger up to the tip of his bulge and watched with interest as it slightly curved around, as if to caress him. “Not like that’d stop me, of course.”

“Then why are you even fucking asking?” Karkat arched his back and his claws closed around the sheets as Dirk slid all the way into his nook. Karkat was wet and ready, and the way Dirk moved, he bumped the sensitive posterior wall on his way in, rubbing against Karkat’s shame globes. “What are you doing?” Karkat asked as Dirk started to pull his finger back out.

The human paused and rotated his finger instead. Karkat sighed happily and closed his eyes. His cheeks were still warm, and he knew it’d just get worse if he watched Dirk working on him. Besides, this allowed him to focus on just how deft his partner’s fingers were, stroking his bulge and shifting inside of his nook. Methodically, Dirk experimented with different angles inside of Karkat until he ran his finger down the posterior wall and the troll let out a groan. The human withdrew just enough to add a second finger, and began to rub that spot within his nook gently.

Whether or not Dirk thought he overused the word, _fuck_ kept slipping from Karkat’s mouth as the human stroked his shame globes. Dirk’s other hand slid around Karkat’s bulge, massaging it in a way not entirely unlike how one would try to open a stuck lid on a jar of grub sauce.

_What a charming way to put it._

It wasn’t quite how Karkat would have touched himself but damn, it felt amazing when combined with the internal stimulation. The combination of the two, with all the little idiosyncrasies and unpredictable nature of having someone else do it, was working even faster than Karkat’s methodical masturbation usually did.

“Bucket,” Karkat gasped, fumbling for it. Dirk paused with the hand on his bulge, but kept up pace inside of him. It only took a moment for the troll to grab the edge of the pail and place it on his abdomen, tilted at a 45 degree angle. Dirk adjusted the direction he had Karkat’s bulge at slightly as well, so that when the inevitable happened, the mess would be caught.

It was a sort of an awkward position (why did humans have sex in beds anyway? how impractical) but now wasn’t the time to reassess. Dirk effortlessly resumed his former pace with both hands.

Orgasm pulsed through Karkat, genetic material squirting out of his bulge and splattering noisily in the bucket while his nook contracted rhythmically around Dirk’s fingers. He felt light-headed in the most beautiful way, and all the tension seemed to have disappeared from his body as the climax ran its course and his ejaculation trickled off.

Dirk pulled his fingers out and carefully tipped the bucket back to a full upright position before shifting to place it on the ground by the bed. He sucked the fingers that had been in Karkat’s nook briefly before climbing next to Karkat and holding the troll’s hands.

"I can't believe that less than a month ago I fucking hated you," Karkat said, interlacing his fingers with Dirk's. "Wow, I fucking said that out loud; I mean that more in a caliginous sense, though that doesn't mean much to you, I know. And you know I fucking hate _everything_ -"

"I know." Dirk seemed downcast all of a sudden, and Karkat's gut twisted unpleasantly until the human continued. "It's been nearing a month since our ecto-parents left."

_He's not mad about your stupidity; he's upset that it's been three weeks and there's been no sign of the other kids._

_Yeah and you were the genius who had to bring up timing. Good job, you soft-skulled nimrod._

_Shut up. I didn't fucking remember, or think he'd be so sensitive about it._

_They're his ecto-parents not yours. And chances are he cared about them more than you cared about Kankri. Plus, three weeks? That really doesn't bode well._

The two of them lay in silence for a moment, with Karkat consciously biting back half a dozen responses, before Dirk spoke again.

"I need to stop wasting time dicking around with robots and get in touch with them."

"How the fuck do you think you're going to manage that, especially with all the void enchantments or whatever shit Roxy and Rose put on this place?"

"I'll find a way to selectively penetrate it." Dirk released Karkat's hands and jumped off the bed. "I'm sick of fucking around."

"Well I'll keep that in mind," Karkat snapped back. In the back of his mind, he knew it wasn’t about him, but considering what this was right on the heels of, emotionally, he still took it personally.

"That's not what I mean."

"I know." Karkat pulled the sheets around himself, suddenly feeling lonely and acutely naked. He couldn't blame Dirk for this getting to him, but the timing was not appreciated.

_No, you can only blame yourself for starting this fucking conversation._

_If you're so distraught you could just ask him to cuddle you for another minute._

_He wouldn't; he has more important shit to do._

It was a poisonous thought, a lie, and Karkat knew it as it slithered through his think pan. Still, he didn't ask.


	14. Chapter 14

When Karkat donned his clothes quickly and silently, Dirk knew he was getting ready to depart but couldn’t find the right words to stop him. Neither of them had any trouble rambling most of the time, but of course the one time when some communication probably would’ve been damn useful, they were playing chicken with the silence. The troll headed out moments later with a muttered “Bye” that sounded somewhere between grumpy and ashamed, leaving Dirk alone with his thoughts.

Pushing Karkat out of his mind, Dirk of course found himself confronted with what had triggered his mood in the first place: the absence of their ecto-parents. He had to talk to them again, to confirm they were still out there and kickin’. As soon as Karkat had reminded him of how long it’d been, it clicked that yeah, it had been way too fucking long.

Shouldn’t their battle have taken minutes, hours, _maybe_ days? What could they be doing that would take _weeks_? They had their complex, detailed plans - though they hadn’t told Dirk precisely what those plans were, infuriatingly - and it wasn’t going to be a straightforward fight, but whatever they were doing to beat an otherwise unbeatable being shouldn’t have taken this long, right? Unless there some crazy time shenanigans at play, or something along those lines. Why hadn’t they thought to at least give him a time estimate? Maybe if wasn’t possible, given their enemy’s relationship with time. Still, why hadn’t he even _asked_ for an estimate? At least he’d be worrying less if he had fucking thought to inquire.

Dirk shook his head slightly, trying to not focus on how stupid that had been. Kicking himself, as tempting as it was, wasn’t going to do shit. He needed to figure out how to contact them. And actually, he probably needed to take a shower - not to mention empty out that bucket.

His ablutions were harder to enjoy than usual as Karkat snuck back into his mind. The troll had obviously been upset that Dirk had pulled away so quickly this morning. Dirk knew that it was abrupt, but once he had pulled away, he couldn’t think of any way to move back in subtly.

So instead, he had sat at his computer like an idiot, his mind looping variations of _They might be dead already, and you wouldn’t even know_ until Karkat had pulled himself out of bed, gotten dressed, and left. It hadn’t seemed that long as the time, but looking back, it must have been at least fifteen minutes, Dirk furiously typing on his computer, looking for every manual he could find on Trollian’s capabilities and limitations, and starting to think of possible ways to expand its reach - and ignoring his guest-cum-quasi-boyfriend.

_Well, if Karkat had wanted more attention, he would have said so. He probably had his own stuff to do anyway, or was just bored of me._

_Really?_

_Yeah, he’s made it plentifully clear that he word-vomits about everything on his mind. So why wouldn’t he say something if he wanted cuddling or whatever again? Besides, he said something about needing to go to Can Town._

_You don’t think that his sudden terseness is more telling? He knew you were distracted by something else, and he felt like shit so he got the hell out when you made it clear he wasn’t your priority._

After settling back down at his computer, Dirk opened up trollian and clicked on Karkat's name. As he watched the cursor blink, a deluge of memories flooded his mind, every clingy, whiny IM he'd sent to Jake scrolling through his brain, endlessly, painfully embarrassing. _Pathetic_.

 _Nope, fuck doing that again,_ Dirk thought emphatically. He grabbed Doritos out of his inventory and promptly buried himself in his trollian research, absently sucking orange dust off his fingers long after the chips were gone.

Close to noon, Dirk’s focus was shaken by a message.

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering timeausTestified [TT] \--  
GG: Helloooo!  
TT: Hey, what’s goin’ on?  
GG: I figured I’d check back in today to see if Stridermart happened to be restocked.  
GG: I have a raincheck I’d like to use.  
TT: Not to disappoint you, Miss Crocker, but I believe I had taken a raincheck from you, not the other way around.  
GG: Oh shoosh! :B  
TT: What? I have the conversation log right here and it confirms that I asked you for a raincheck. Not the other way around.  
GG: (C’mon, can’t you ever just play along?!)  
TT: Uh, okay?  
TT: Well, I'm afraid we're still out of the product you're looking for.  
GG: Oh my, that’s gosh darned unfortunate! What on earth could have caused such a shortage?  
GG: Was there some unexpected disruption of the supply chain?  
TT: Extremely unexpected. Act of God type disruption.  
GG: How awful! That must be very hard on your business.  
TT: You have no idea. Harder than a diamond-tipped drill, mercilessly tearing into my revenue stream.  
GG: Any inkling as to when Stridermart will be restocked, ideally with delivery included?  
TT: Nope.  
GG: What about, oh shall we say, tomorrow evening?  
GG: (I'm not above a little bit of bribery to speed things along if necessary…)  
TT: Bribery? From an upstanding citizen like yourself? Crocker, I'm surprised at you.  
GG: I may be an upstanding citizen, but I'm also a pragmatist.  
TT: I'm sorry, but I can take no part in this.  
GG: Even if it's fresh vanilla cake with orange creamsicle frosting?  
TT: Especially then.  
GG: Shucks...  
GG: All these roleplay shenanigans aside, do you actually not want to fraternize? Or are you just playing along?  
TT: I'm not just playing along. I don't know when I'll be in the mood to hang out.  
GG: Is there something on your mind?  
TT: Yes.  
GG: By which I mean, is there something on your mind that you'd like to talk about?  
TT: Possibly.   
GG: Alright, smartypants, what is on your mind that you "possibly" want to talk about?  
TT: Our ecto-parents are still gone.  
GG: Ohhhhh.  
TT: We're sitting ducks here without any clue if Lord English is on the hunt for us, and more importantly, we have no idea if our ecto-parents still alive.  
TT: If they're fighting a technically unbeatable being who can be at any point on the timeline he wants, why is it taking so long?  
GG: Well they weren't going to just show up and challenge him in straight-up combat. They were looking to exploit some glitches, since that was the only way to beat him, weren't they?  
TT: Were they? Because that's about all they gave me, and that vague horseshit is virtually useless. You'd think at least one of them would have had the foresight to tell us what their plan was in detail, so if it didn't go according to their designs, we'd be able to do something.  
GG: I think remaining here _is_ the back-up plan.  
GG: Rose and Roxy worked on the "invisibility cloak" for the meteor, as Roxy calls it.  
TT: What good's an invisibility cloak going to do if he rips into the fabric of space-time or destroys reality as we know it?  
TT: If he's capable of either of those, which wouldn’t entirely surprise me.  
GG: If he was, wouldn't we already have ceased to exist?  
TT: Maybe. Let’s say he’s not, and that the Lalondes' back up plan works. There's no new universe, our guardians are lost, and we're stuck on the meteor for the rest of eternity?  
TT: We're all god tier, so we wouldn't even have a natural death to look forward to.  
TT: Just us, and whatever kids you and Jake pop out. But would your kids be mortal? Watching them grow up, age, and die over and over again seems incredibly cruel.  
TT: If that’s the case, I’d hope god tier makes us all sterile so as to avoid that.  
TT: Besides, havin’ babies is laughably mortal. We're supposed to be parents of a whole new universe. Gotta think big picture here.  
GG: Dirk, Jake and I are nowhere _near_ the point of even _discussing_ kids!!! And I don't know if we'd ever get to that point, honestly!  
GG: Even if we did, your theory about mortal offspring is incredibly depressing! :(  
TT: Well, yeah, that’s the entire point.  
GG: I guess having a whole new universe to raise would be more exciting than a few biological kids but... Shucks, I spent the first sixteen years of my life expecting the latter. I never would have imagined the former!  
TT: I really don't get the fascination with children. I think trolls have the right idea, outsourcing that while they focus on civilization building. And violent conquest, I suppose.  
GG: Maybe you would do better as a troll. :P You sure seem to have some good luck with troll boys, hoohoo!  
TT: And what prompted that assertion?  
GG: A little of this, a wee bit of that.  
GG: The rest of us aren't shut away in our rooms working on our projects constantly.  
TT: So instead you're all gossiping like teenage girls about who's kissin' who?  
TT: “Oh how positively _scandalous_ \- Strider's kissed an alien, haven't you heard?!”  
GG: Did I actually upset you?  
TT: Nah.  
GG: Would you tell me if I had?  
TT: If the answer to that was no, I'd answer yes. Asking people if they're being honest or open is a fruitless tactic.  
GG: I beg to disagree! How they answer still reveals plenty even if they're not spilling all the beans.  
TT: How is it at all useful without tone and body language to compare to the words to? A lot of subtleties are lost in solely text-based media.  
TT: Even sarcam is misinterpreted half the time. By those of us who can pick up on sarcasm, that is. I'm convinced Jake has a genetic condition which makes him utterly, incurably immune to it.  
GG: I don't think Jade and John were immune to sarcasm though, which would throw a wrench in your hypothesis! We'll just have to meticulously study their reactions when they return so that we can test it.  
TT: If.  
GG: Hmm?  
TT: If they return.  
GG: Oh. :(  
GG: Siiiiiigh.  
GG: You're being a Debbie Downer about this.  
GG: I know you're concerned, but they're my parents too.  
TT: I'm not being a Debbie of any variety, Downer or otherwise. I’m merely being a realist. And the reality is we don't know if they're coming back.  
GG: Sometimes you are gosh darned impossible, you know that?  
TT: I'm well-aware.  
GG: At least think on tomorrow, won’t you?  
TT: I have given it extensive thought and will continue to do so despite the paucity of chance that my mind will change.  
GG: Fine.  
GG: Have a good day.  
TT: You too.  
\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

Not ten minutes later, Dirk received an IM from Roxy.

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--  
TG: whatd you say to jane  
TT: Why, what did she say?  
TG: uh nothing  
TT: Ah yes, you merely have psychic powers and delved into her thoughts, allowing you to know that something of consequence was said, but unable to access the full original conversation in question.  
TG: hey its a lil somethin called booty language  
TG: *body  
TG: idk what booty language would be and i kinda wanna find out but thats not the point right now  
TG: anywhoooo so body language  
TG: you might be familiar with this primitive method of homo sapien communication if u ever left your room  
TG: robot and alien dick alone cant sustain you  
TG: *robots  
TG: cause otherwise it looks like robot dick as well as alien dick  
TG: and i know ur into some weird stuff but i always thought your preference was for the plush not titanium luvin  
TG: though i guess i wouldnt be surprised becuz some ppl like variety but really its not something i have strong evidence for either way  
TG: so im gonna remain agnostic on the robot dick matter  
TT: Uh huh.  
TG: come on dirk were talking about dicks  
TG: its like ur favorite subject  
TG: come on peck up  
TG: *perk  
TT: You have such an uncannily selective knack for typos today.  
TG: im just full of the technological majyyks like that nbd  
TT: The obscure arcane art of flawless typing except for when a mistake would either reference sexual anatomy or else provide you with a flimsy excuse to monologue speculations about the intricacies of my erotic preferences?  
TG: such a weirdly specific power rite???  
TG: but hey majyyks give ppl mysterious gifts we cant be picky  
TG: at least my power isnt growing copious amounts of nosehair or something  
TT: How would that even qualify as a magic power?  
TG: eh shrug  
TG: i mean if it was unnatural amounts then maybe...  
TG: nvm i dont really wanna dwell on that  
TT: That makes two of us.  
TG: so what IS up?  
TT: Karkat mentioned how long we had been on the meteor.  
TG: uh so  
TG: wats the significance  
TT: It set off a chain reaction in my brain, reminding me of how long our ecto-parents have been gone and all the wonderful possibilities of what that could mean for us, not to mention the likelihood of them still being alive.  
TG: ahhh and the worries flipped the sulk switch on in ur brain  
TG: yet again  
TT: “Yet again”? Yeah excuse me for not socializing extensively with my ex, his new girlfriend, and a couple of trolls I barely know.  
TG: youve been socializing plenty with one of them  
TG: "socializing" ;)  
TT: Is this conversation about my interactions with Karkat, or is it about my allegedly subpar social behavior with Jane and others?  
TG: siiiigh but i want all the juicy deets  
TT: Do you really?  
TG: um duh and/or hello!  
TG: promise not to get too creepy on you lol  
TT: That's reassuring. You'll just get too creepy in my general direction then?  
TG: basickly  
TG: *basically  
TG: k i wont really pinkie promise  
TG: *extends pinkie*  
TG: not gonna endanger this fleeting chance  
TG: gotta lure in the easily frightened rare bird that is dirty little secret of dirks sex life  
TG: if i make too many wonky faces at it it could fly off before i get a good look  
TT: Have I really been so miserly with details of my sex life?  
TG: yeah u have! youll tell me plenty about ur weird kinks in an abstract way but when it came down to it you wouldnt give me the down n dirty on what was going on between u and jake  
TT: I didn't think you actually wanted to know.  
TG: whyyyyys that  
TT: Let's detour around this murky bog of speculation and skip to the plain question:  
TT: Why do you want details?  
TG: cureiosity  
TG: *curiosity  
TT: Are you sure that you want to know?  
TG: curiosity has never killed this cat and i am p damn sure it wont this time around  
TG: plus i care how ur relationship is going is that so hard to imagine  
TT: It's not a relationship.  
TG: why not  
TT: Why do you need to label everything?  
TG: because its way shorter to say boyfriend than that hot alien i think about and make out with and spend time with even though sometimes he drives me nuts because hes almost as much of a selfhating doofus as i am  
TT: "Relationship" suggests some sort of trajectory and, hence, destination. Regardless of if I might even want that with him, our entire existence is dead end.  
TG: everyones is in some sense u pessimistic dumbo  
TT: Ours especially so.  
TG: wut because rose and dave and john and jade havent come back  
TT: That's the main concern, yes.  
TG: so u think theyre dead and were just gonna be stuck here for eternity  
TT: Unless we find a way to contact them and confirm that they're still alive, yes, there's a good chance that they're deceased.  
TG: i rly dont think they are  
TT: And what evidence do you have to support that theory?  
TG: a hunch mostly  
TT: You'll forgive me if I don't consider "a hunch" to be a compelling counterargument.  
TG: right because ur argument of  
TG: i miss them and its been a few weeks even though they said it could take months in our time before they return  
TT: Wait, what? _Months?_ Who said that?  
TG: rose  
TG: i thought she told u  
TT: No. No, she did not tell me that critically important detail.  
TG: oops  
TG: well see! you can chill now  
TT: Yeah, I was anxious because I didn’t have enough information and hence had false assumptions, but now I have a tiny yet key new bit of knowledge that further emphasizes how little I fucking know.  
TT: “Chill” is totally what I’m about to do.  
TG: k mr smartypants whatre u gonna do instead  
TT: I'm going to try to contact them.  
TG: i dont think u can  
TG: even if you could penetrate the invisibility cloak w/o messing with it  
TG: theyre fighting a lord of time and looking for glitches  
TG: you dont have to worry just about where they are in the multiverse but where they are in time  
TG: or outside of time  
TT: Trollian allows for trolling outside of a linear time frame.  
TG: yeah but there are still hella limitations  
TG: our parents couldnt talk to jade and john for 3 yrs when they were split between the meteor & the ship  
TT: Are you suggesting it's a moot point?  
TG: no cause knowing you ur gonna try it anyway  
TG: im just warning so that if u dont get in touch you acknowledge the zillion ways it coulda gone wrong instead of automatically jumping to worse case scenario  
TT: Gotcha.  
TG: just do me a favor mmk  
TT: What?  
TG: go apologize to karkat  
TT: … Why?  
TG: u said he mentioned the time thing which sent you off into thinking about ectoparents so ill bet my left boob that you got all distant towards him when it happened  
TG: and i bet youve felt too shitty about it to know how to say sorry yet but if u already have tehn ignore this  
TT: Sort of.  
TG: so will u do it  
TT: Apologize? Yeah, I will.  
TG: nope i know what youre thinking and youre wrong  
TT: Seriously?  
TG: do it in person and do it nowish  
TG: not after u spend hrs on this trollian bs and end up frustrated  
TT: Or end up elated and reassured when it works perfectly, and I get in touch with Dave and find out they'll all be back soon.  
TG: we both know that its not gonna be that easy  
TG: and to have the best shot ur gonna need a thorough understanding of this rocks technological capabilities which u need karkat for  
TG: not to mention knowing ins and outs of trollians temporal capacity  
TG: and to get through my beautiful shields w/o sticking a fucking satellite dish on an undercover spy van hence ruinin the subtlety of it  
TG: ur gonna need me  
TG: but right now i gotta go cause i have a pale date with kanaya  
TT: Pale date?  
TG: ill swap stories later if you will  
TG: have fun with karkat!  
TT: I never agreed that I was going to see him this evening, so I'd say you're making a hell of an assumption right there.  
TG: ugh fine but you really should  
TT: I appreciate your input and I'm sure to take it into consideration.  
TG: suuuuuure u r  
TG: k bye 4 real now  
\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] \--

Thinking about his fuck-up with Karkat was unpleasant, thinking about the implications of their ecto-parents still missing was unpleasant (even though Roxy’s information had in a way helped, as pissed as he was that he hadn’t known sooner), and thinking about the implications of Karkat and what happened if the other kids didn’t return was even worse.

If they were all stuck here indefinitely, hiding from Lord English but with no hope of defeating him, the trolls would eventually die. Dirk would have to watch Karkat age and die, while he himself remained presumably youthful and immortal. And it wouldn’t be enjoyable to watch the same with Terezi and Kanaya, though it wouldn’t be agonizing in the same heart-stabbing way.

_You're getting several steps ahead of yourself. You aren’t even in a relationship with Karkat yet, much less one that’s guaranteed to last for the rest of his life. Besides, decades is still plenty of time for Lord English to find and kill us all._

What comforting qualifiers.

When he dove back into his trollian work, Dirk managed to get a fair amount more done, Roxy's claims be damned. As much as he focused though, occasional thoughts about Karkat still slipped into his mind.

_You do like him, don't you?_

_Yeah, I guess there's no point denying it. Especially to myself._

_So why aren’t you going to apologize to him?_

_I’m giving him space. We’ve spent plenty of time together lately, and he was the one who left this morning._

_This isn't about that. It's about not wanting to do what Roxy told you today, because she's right and you don't want to admit it._

_She doesn't know what happened with Karkat. I'm sure he's fine._

_Horseshit. Karkat's almost certainly blaming himself for you suddenly going cold towards him._

_That's ridiculous. He didn't do anything wrong, other than make some off-hand comment he couldn't have known would set me off._

_Right, and if you were in his situation you'd definitely realize that, shrug, and totally not spend hours rethinking what happened and looking for all the tiny ways you might have fucked up._

_Yeah, so I do that because I'm clingy and overanalyze fuckin’ everything. Karkat isn't like that._

By the time evening rolled around, Dirk had done just about all the research and toying around with Trollian that he could do. He went off and took another shower, hoping it would give him some new insight that hadn’t come to him while staring at a screen.

Unfortunately, Dirk had no such luck. He spent a solid forty-five minutes naked, eyes closed as he let the hot water wash over him and the steam permeate every pore of his body, yet not a single brilliant breakthrough wandered into his head. Instead he found himself yearning for a good spar; maybe that'd let him get out his frustrations, and encourage some more creative thinking. Sometimes the best solutions came to mind when he wasn't focused on the problem at hand.

First thing he did after turning off the water was slip on his shades. Judging by the notifications, Karkat had left him quite a few messages. Trying not to kick himself for missing them, Dirk toweled off as he read them.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling timaeusTestified [TT] \--  
CG: I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE UPSET.  
CG: OKAY, I GUESS I SHOULDN'T SAY "COMPLETELY" BECAUSE THAT SEEMS LIKE IT'S MINIMIZING THE INTENSITY OF YOUR EMOTIONS ABOUT THIS WHICH, JUDGING BY HOW MUCH YOU SHUT DOWN, ARE PROBABLY ABOUT ONE LEVEL BELOW A STARING CONTEST WITH A HORROR TERROR.  
CG: BUT I GET THE GENERAL REASON WHY YOU'RE UPSET, WHICH IS THAT I RUINED A NICE MORNING BY REMINDING YOU ABOUT HOW LONG DAVE HAS BEEN GONE. AND EVEN THOUGH I MISS HIM TOO, AND I MISS MY LUSUS, IT'S NOT THE SAME AS YOUR CONNECTION WITH HIM DESPITE MY ABILITY TO EMOTIONALLY EXTRAPOLATE.  
CG: SO, YES, IT WAS MORONIC OF ME TO MENTION THE TIME THING BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I WAS SURPRISED BY HOW YOU TOOK THAT COMMENT AND RAN WITH IT, I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN.  
CG: NOT TO MENTION I FUCKED UP BY SAYING I KIND OF HATED YOU AT FIRST, WHICH *SHOCKINGLY* SEEMS LIKE A BAD IDEA IN RETROSPECT PARTICULARLY GIVEN THAT "HATE" DOESN'T HAVE ANY SEXY IMPLICATIONS IN HUMAN CULTURE.  
CG: NOT THAT I WAS MADLY ATTRACTED TO YOU AT FIRST SIGHT. NO, EVEN IN THE MIDST OF AN APOLOGY, I REFUSE TO STROKE YOUR EGO LIKE A PARTICULARLY NEEDY MOIRAIL IN CONSTANT DESIRE OF PAPS AND PETS.  
CG: WAIT, SHOULD I BE MORE CULTURALLY AWARE? LET ME TRY THAT AGAIN.  
CG: EVEN IN THE MIDST OF AN APOLOGY, I REFUSE TO STROKE YOUR EGO LIKE YOU HUMANS STROKE YOUR LAUGHABLY WEAK AND TINY PURRBEASTS THAT YOU KEEP AS "PETS."  
CG: THERE.  
CG: THAT SHOULD BE CLEARER. SEE, I'M TRYING, OKAY? TRYING AND FUCKING UP OBVIOUSLY, BECAUSE WHEN /DON'T/ I FUCK UP, BUT TRYING NEVERTHELESS.  
CG: WOW, NOW YOU'RE JUST GOING TO COME BACK AND SEE THIS DAUNTING WALL OF TEXT WHICH HAS ABSOLUTELY NO REAL VALUE.  
CG: I'M JUST GOING TO GO NOW. TALK TO ME LATER, IF YOU WANT.  
CG: BUT I WON'T WAIT  
CG: BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE STUPID AND NEEDY.  
CG: YEAH, I'M SHUTTING UP NOW.  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling timaeusTestified [TT] \--  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling timaeusTestified [TT] \--  
CG: (LOOK, IT'S ACTUALLY POSSIBLE! SOMETIMES I STOP FUCKING TALKING.)  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling timaeusTestified [TT] \--  
\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--  
TT: Hey, sorry I missed your messages.  
TT: Are you still around?  
TT: If you'd prefer to talk later, that's fine, but I'm not really upset any more. Not acutely.  
TT: To be clear, it wasn't really your fault in the first place. You're not a goddamn psychic - or at least I don't think so; seems like it would've come up if that was the case. Unless that’s some special thing that comes with your unique blood color?  
TT: Sorry, I know you don't like talking about your blood, but yeah, I feel like it would've come up if you had any special powers.  
TT: ... So let me know if you want to talk about this. I ain't got anything else urgent going on.  
TT: Or anything urgent, that is. Not suggesting this is "urgent."  
TT: Later, then.  
\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

No response. Well, it seemed it was time to go kick the shit out of some robots, since nothing else was working out. After throwing on some clothes, Dirk headed out. Much to his displeasure, Roxy's words returned to him as he walked.

_"Go see him!" Yeah, well, he doesn't even want to talk right now._

_You could always go check his room. Maybe he isn't logged on right now._

_Come on, he's always online. Clearly he wants to be left alone because he's frustrated with me, and rightfully so._

Dirk made it to the workshop and paused outside. The more he thought about it, the more he _knew_ he should go see Karkat. Dirk opened trollian again and reviewed the messages he'd gotten while in the shower.

It was incredibly, irrationally hard to pivot, but pivot Dirk did, and retraced his steps until the detour to head to Karkat's room.

When Dirk first knocked on the troll's door, there wasn't an immediate response. He rapped again even as it occurred to him that Karkat might be asleep and he might be proving a very unwelcome interruption. He quickly shoved his hands in his pockets, berating himself for not thinking of that first. That'd also explain why Karkat hadn't responded immediately.

 _Why couldn't you just have waited for Karkat to respond to you? You didn't talk to him all day because you were in some sort of_ mood _, but_ now _you can't wait for a response so you show up at his doorstep?_

Before Dirk could reprimand himself thoroughly enough to skedaddle, the door swung open. Karkat stood in the doorway, glaring, naked except for boxers, and with a look of exhaustion in the lines of his face.

“You should be in your horizontal slumber furniture, not coming to kiss and make up. You look like shit.”

“My horizontal slumber furniture can wait,” Dirk replied, suddenly aware that his hands were still awkwardly stuck in his pockets. “May I come in?”

Karkat shrugged.

“Well I was just getting ready to pass out myself, but-”

“We can talk tomorrow then," Dirk interrupted, not wanting to be pushy, "or hang out, or whatever your little alien ‘blood pusher’ desires.”

“No, you idiot, get in here.” Karkat rolled his eyes as he reached out, tugging Dirk’s right wrist out of his pocket. “Unless you came here hoping for the slightest excuse to scamper again, in which case you can go the fuck back to your room, thanks not in the slightest.”

“No, that’s not my intention at all.” Dirk took a step forward to meet the troll in the door frame, interlacing his fingers with Karkat’s.

_Try not to fuck up this time. Not yet again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can follow me at [gendersquare.tumblr.com](http://gendersquare.tumblr.com).


	15. Chapter 15

With a stomach full of breakfast, and a head not nearly as full of worry and self-loathing as it often was, Karkat was feeling pretty good as he sat in the computer lab flipping through one of his romance novels. Miraculously, Dirk hadn’t turned into an antisocial asshole right after they woke up, so they’d gotten breakfast together, blissfully free of interruptions. The two parted ways mid-morning when the human got a message from Roxy, apparently offering to help him with some questions regarding the communication he wanted to establish.

Dirk departed and Karkat, not having much else to do, remained. Maybe he’d catch Kanaya or Terezi if he hung around for a bit. Unfortunately, it was neither of them that first showed up in the kitchen looking for food and company.

“Mr. Vantas! I’ve been wondering what you’ve been up to! How capital to see you on this jolly morning!”

Karkat did not point out that if Jake had been wondering so terribly what he’d been up to, that was precisely what Trollian was for. If by some miracle Jake didn’t have his screen name, he absolutely intended to keep it that way.

“Yeah, great morning, and good fucking bye,” Karkat replied, slamming the novel shut without a bookmark. He could find his page in it later, but if he was exposed to this Page more than a millisecond longer, he might never find his sanity again.

“Now wait just a moment there, bro!” Jake planted himself right next to Karkat, too close for comfort, as the troll was sliding out of his chair.

“I am not your ‘bro’, and I’m absolutely not interested in spending another minute here.” Karkat stood and glared pointedly at Jake. “I have some extremely important things to do like picking my nose and sitting on my ass somewhere not near you.”

Jake rolled his eyes. “Har har, nice try! I think if you’ll just park your patoot back down for a moment you’ll realize you’re interested in what I have to say! I know you’re a man who appreciates good cinema, which gives us something to bond over, now doesn’t it?”

The only way Karkat wanted to bond with Jake was by bonding his fist with the nose of that grinning cretin. He remained where he was just so he could more effectively glare daggers, one hand gripping the back of the chair and digging his nails into the wood.

“I’m leaving.”

“Not until you help me pick out the movie for tonight’s event!” That infuriating smile was back on his lips, with buck teeth that reminded Karkat too much of John -

_What the festering fuck are you doing? You are not thinking about how he looks._

_Yeah, like you definitely never did with Dave. You thought that was platonic detestation too. And it never went anywhere, but we both know you were a little caliginous for him. But other than the cloak incident, which was mostly your fault, he never got nearly as up into your personal space as Jake is right now._

Jake was really damn close, one of his hands on the back of the chair near Karkat’s, the other planted on the table, leaning in. The troll, meanwhile, took a step back and pulled his arms to cross over his chest. He knew he was overanalyzing this and he hated himself for it, much more than he hated Jake - which was saying something.

“Whatever pathetic event you’re holding, I’m not attending, and there’s no way I’m wasting any brain cells pondering the laughably awful film choices you have for it either way,” Karkat replied, gripping his arms tightly. He could just walk away, he _should_ just walk away, but he was stuck in place half by some pathetic desire to not be completely rude and half by an insipid caliginous spark that wouldn’t let him give up the argument.

“Now, I’m a patient, good-natured fellow, but this shindig has already been postponed a couple of times, and I’m thinking it’s high time we all set aside our excuses and not let them get in the way of some genuine camaraderie and fine artistic appreciation!”

“If you want me to appreciate art, I’ll need some actual art to appreciate, not garbage forced into my eye sockets.”

“Garbage?” Jake chuckle as he reaches into his jacket and pulls out four thin cases, which he drops onto the table. “I think you’ll see these carefully picked gems are anything but! If you have any skepticism, well, once you pick you’ll get the wonderful opportunity to banish it by viewing the whole thing in its glory surrounded by all our marvelous friends!”

Despite himself, Karkat at least wanted to know what his options were, so he shifted in again, arms still firmly hugged to his chest. All the films had ridiculous, unpromising covers: “The Room,” “Avatar,” “Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon,” and “Waterworld.”

“These all look absymal, and one of them’s a sequel - I haven’t even seen the first Transformers! I’m not picking, and I’m not going to watch any of these shitshows with you.”

“I insist!”

“You can insist all you fucking want, but I am _not_ going to!” Karkat spat back, staring Jake in the eyes as he said it.

The human’s bravado deflated noticeably as he looked back to the table and his posture slumped slightly. Karkat immediately felt bad, annoyance melting to a pang of platonic pity. Jake sighed heavily and shrugged, grabbing the movies again.

“I sure hope you’ll reconsider, but in the meantime I’ll get someone else to choose.” Jake paused and brightened up again. “Unless you’re just a wee bit intimidated by the prospect of selecting something that we’re all going to see! You could’ve just mentioned that! It’s no pressure at all, but if that’s your concern, we’ll just have you pick something for us to watch together now! We’re both clearly free; I’d just need to grab something to eat since I’m a bit peckish. It’ll be dandy!”

_Oh hell no. So much for getting through to him._

Karkat fled. He grabbed his romance novel - he didn’t even really want it; he wasn’t sure why he did that - and speed-walked around the table and just barely dodged Jake reaching out to stop him.

“No need to be so skittish; your secret’s safe with me!” Jake said, eyes wide with confusion. “C’mon, it’ll be an uproarious good time with two new bros! Don’t you want to be bros?”

Luckily, Jake didn’t try to follow once Karkat darted out of the lab.

As soon as he was safely down a few hallways and absolutely positive that he didn’t hear any footsteps, Karkat plunked down and pulled out his husktop. Maybe it was time he reconsidered his staunch opposition to shades with a neurolink. This really wasn’t convenient but, then again, the thought of himself with any sort of glasses was laughably silly. Whatever, he could think about that later.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling timaeusTestified [TT] \--  
CG: JAKE CORNERED ME.  
TT: About the movie night thing?  
CG: HE ALREADY GOT TO YOU?  
TT: This isn’t the first time it’s come up. Though it was actually Roxy who told me.  
TT: I’m with her right now, hence the slight lag in my responses.  
TT: She insists that I tell you “hiiiiiiii” by the way.  
CG: “HI, ROXY.”  
CG: (PLEASE MAKE SURE TO COMMUNICATE THAT I USE AN APPROPRIATE NUMBER OF “I”S AND DON’T DRAW OUT THE GREETING ANY MORE THAN IS NECESSARY.)  
TT: Will do.  
TT: I will ensure that there are just as many “i”s as are needed and not a single one more.  
TT: We have a strict capacity limit and the doors will lock as soon as we hit it.  
TT: The pitiful little “i”s who were too far down in the line ain’t gonna make it in; they should’ve gotten here sooner if they wanted in on the fun.  
CG: OK IT’S NOT NEARLY THAT IMPORTANT.  
TT: Good, because Roxy’s glaring at me.  
TT: I think she can tell I’m talking to you.  
TT: Despite my wicked skills at multitasking.  
CG: WELL THEN GO PAY ATTENTION TO HER AND STOP DICKING AROUND WITH METAPHORS ALREADY!  
CG: SINCE APPARENTLY I’LL SEE YOU TONIGHT ANYWAY.  
TT: So you are coming?  
CG: I DIDN’T SAY THAT.  
CG: BUT I GUESS SO. IF YOU’LL BE THERE.  
TT: Yup.  
TT: Alright, talk to you later, dude.  
CG: BYE.  
\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--  
GC: W1LL 1 B3 SM3LL1NG YOU TH1S 3V3N1NG? >:)  
CG: I GET WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO DO THERE AND I CAN SAFELY TELL YOU IT 100% DOES NOT WORK. TRY AGAIN.  
GC: OR YOU COULD JUST 4NSW3R TH3 QU3ST1ON  
CG: UGH YES I WILL BE AT THAT TERRIBLE GATHERING THIS EVENING.  
GC: T3RR1BLE? 4R3 YOU R34LLY GO1NG TO B3 TH4T MUCH OF 4 M1ST3R GRUMPYP4NTS 4BOUT H4NG1NG OUT W1TH YOUR COOL FR13NDS (M3) 4ND YOUR L3SS-COOL-BUT-ST1LL-4CC3PT4BL3 FR13NDS (3V3RYON3 3LS3)?  
CG: I WILL BE A “MISTER GRUMPYPANTS” AS LONG AS YOU CONTINUE USING INSULTS THAT ARE SUCH A PERFECT SWIRL OF ASININE AND SACCHARINE.  
GC: SW1RLS 4R3 4LL TH3 MOR3 D3L1C1OUS THOUGH! YOU SHOULD L34RN TO APPR3C14T3 V4R13TY, K4RK4T  
CG: IT’S HARD TO APPRECIATE ANYTHING WHEN IT’S SHOVED DOWN MY THROAT - OR INTO MY CACOPHONY TUNNELS, IN THIS CASE - NONCONSENSUALLY.  
GC: OH W3LL 3XCUS3 M3!  
GC: L3T M3 TRY TH1S 4G41N  
GC: 4R3 YOU R34LLY G1ING TO B3 TH4T MUCH OF 4 SH1T4SS LOS3RT41NT TON1GHT???  
CG: MUCH BETTER.  
GC: >:P  
CG: AND YES, I ABSOLUTELY WILL BE.  
CG: HAVE YOU EVER EVEN INTERACTED WITH JAKE?! HE’S TERRIBLE.  
CG: AND THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN HIS PERSONALITY IS HIS TASTE IN MOVIES.  
GC: TH1S COM1NG FROM YOU  
CG: 1) I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW MY TASTE IN MOVIES IS IMPECCABLE  
CG: 1A) IT’S ONLY NOT IMPECCABLE WHEN I’M MAKING A CONSCIOUS DECISION TO WIDEN MY CULTURAL EXPOSURE  
CG: 1B) ALRIGHT, SO EVEN IF MY TASTE WAS MEDIOCRE (WHICH I AM *NOT* SAYING IT IS), IF *I* THINK JAKE’S TASTE IS THAT BAD, WHAT DOES THAT SAY?  
GC: TH4T YOUR3 M3LODR4M4T1C 4ND TH4T YOUR3 R34LLY STR3SS3D 4BOUT TH1S FOR SOM3 R34SON  
CG: I AM NOT!!!  
GC: R34LLY  
CG: OKAY, SO I AM  
CG: BUT ONLY A LITTLE BIT! IT’S STUPID; IT’S JUST MOVIE WATCHING WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER KNUCKLEHEADS  
GC: WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG B3FOR3H4ND?  
CG: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING  
CG: DIRK’S WITH ROXY RIGHT NOW.  
GC: TH3N YOU C4N COM3 BY MY R3SP1T3 BLOCK!  
CG: UH OKAY…?  
GC: T4LK TO YOU SOON!  
\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

He should have been annoyed about being summoned, but Karkat had to admit to himself that spending time with Terezi was a much more pleasant option that sitting around dreading tonight. He only procrastinated for a few minutes before heading to her respiteblock.

When he arrived and her door slid open, Karkat stepped inside automatically - only to step right back out when he glanced around. This wasn’t what he expected, though thinking back to their recent interactions, he shouldn’t have been surprised.

“So is this a fucking official come on?”

Terezi shook her head and made an exasperated noise with her lip stuck out.

“Seriously, Karkat?” She pulled her dragon hood over her head and wiggled deeper into the pile of scalemates and blankets. “I just offer to help you calm down a little bit, and you have to make such a huge deal out of it?”

“Sorry,” he grumbled. He already felt embarrassed for snapping, and the pile looked really appealing. His heart melted a little bit, thinking about sinking into the comfortable mess with Terezi, pouring out all his feelings.

_Well, that’s clearly what she wants. So what are you waiting for?_

Karkat kicked off his shoes and plopped down next to Terezi. She lay an arm over his leg and cuddled in close, prompting him to put an arm around her. It would’ve been way too cliche to say that he felt his heartbeat already slowing from the calming, pale vibe emanating from her, but he did literally become conscious of how easy breathing seemed all of a sudden.

"How are things progressing with you and Dirk?" she asked, pushing her hood back again, head ever so slightly tilted as she posed her query.

_Why did you ever want her concupiscent when you could have had her as a moirail, as opposed to the incompetent, unhinged juggalo? Hindsight is 20/20..._

"Fine, good - well not always good but..." When Terezi's intent look only heightened, Karkat realized he wasn't going to be able to get out of this until he told her everything. "A lot has happened in the past week and most of it's been good, but he's still an asshole sometimes. Then again, so am I, so I can't really complain, but if I wasn't complaining I wouldn't know what to do with myself."

"Story time with Karkat starts immediately," she declared.

He glared at her for a long time, but if she could smell his expression - and he was sure that she could - it didn’t faze her in the least. With less reluctance than he faked, he finally began to tell her about everything with Dirk. She interrupted with questions and comments often but not quite as often as he expected.

"How’d you like his human anatomy?" Terezi cackled when he got to the events of the other night.

"Bizarre but it could’ve been worse."

"The sexual dimorphism takes some getting used to. Which set does he have?"

"A bulge and some dangly external shame globes. Isn't that typical for male humans?"

"Typical but not the only option."

“Okay then. Well yeah, he had the common ones. They were weird but not awful. I mean, he’s ok looking so even if his junk is alien, I guess it doesn’t matter that much.”

Terezi prodded for more juicy details and he obliged, though she seemed to be of the opinion that there was much more ahead for him and Dirk. Karkat felt his cheeks starting to warm up, and awkwardly pushed the conversation along.

"So you're getting along quite delightfully with the humans, finally," Terezi said.

"No! The girls are tolerable, and I have some mess of feelings with Dirk, but that's not 'getting along delightfully' with them. And Jake doesn't know his waste chute from a hole in the ground."

"Jake's ludicrous but I think it's sort of entertaining. He certainly is enthusiastic about his movies."

"Yeah, and thanks to that I have to waste at least two hours of my pathetic life subjecting myself to some horrorscape of a primitive society's worst excuse for cinema, in the company of its number one fan."

"It's going to be fine. Everyone will be there, not just Jake."

"How is the presence of more morons supposed to make me feel better?"

"You don't appreciate my or Dirk's presence?"

“Of course I do! But I’d appreciate it a lot more without distractions.”

Rather than offer a verbal response, Terezi suddenly dove in, wrapping her arms around Karkat and squeezing.

“OOF!”

“Hehehe, too much?” she asked, pulling back.

“No, fuck, just unexpected!” Karkat paused and blurted out the question that had been hovering in the back of his mind. “Isn’t this weird, with you and Gamzee? I mean, not that I’m in any position to talk about weird, and the quadrant system itself means this entangled bullshit happens all the time. Even in humans and their simplistic flushed-only system, it can get complicated and messy, and there are so few of us here, it’s bound to get confusing. There isn’t any actual reason it should be weird, actually, unless one of us makes it weird, which I’m kind of doing but, just forget I said anything…” He trailed off.

“I haven’t spent time with him in over a week. He’s not responding to my messages.” Terezi inhaled deeply and then slowly let it out. “I think it’s over.”

“Oh.” Karkat wasn’t quite sure what else to say. “I’m sorry?”

“It’s fine, we don’t need to talk about it,” she replied.

“Are you sure?”

Terezi shrugged. “Yeah. It’s hard, but I know it’s for the best.”

“Is there anything I can do?” Karkat asked.

“Stop getting up in arms and spread your arms,” replied Terezi, shooting him a sharp smile.

Obediently, Karkat spread his arms, and Terezi embraced him properly, driving both of them deep into the pillow pile. Her rumblespheres pressed up against his chest, and one of her horns rubbed against the side of his neck as she buried her face in his shoulder.

Even a couple of weeks ago, this would’ve stirred up some very-not-pale feelings in Karkat. But right now, Terezi’s touch felt comforting as he placed his hands on her back and gently rubbed. He pitied her, and in a way that wasn’t the least bit concupiscent. The silence that hung between them was still a little strange, but at least for the moment, he managed to not break it.

As Terezi lay curled up with Karkat, it occurred to him that she was needed a moirail as much as he did. The realization was oddly comforting. Dave was gone, her kismesis was missing, and there was only so much make-believe she could do alone before she'd get restless. She didn't seem like the sort to snap, but her blood was borderline blue and she certainly lacked a healthy outlet… 

Cuddling turned into napping, which turned into leisurely, drowsy conversations, which were interrupted when Terezi thought to check the time. The movie was supposed to start two minutes ago. Karkat swore and pulled himself to his feet immediately; he didn’t care about keeping Jake waiting, but Dirk was going to be there.

“We can now officially begin!” Terezi announced as she strode through the door, Karkat right behind her. They managed to get there only eight minutes late and somewhat out of breath.

A scowl was already firmly on his face as he looked around. Admittedly, the setup Jake had in here was pretty good. It wasn’t as cluttered as he would’ve expected; the room felt spacious yet homey. Jane and Roxy probably helped him clean up and set up. There was a large TV hanging on one wall, frozen on a title screen.

The bed was across the room, already occupied by Jane, Jake, Roxy, and Kanaya. Jane was leaning back against Jake, who had one arm wrapped around her and the other pointed up at the TV, brandishing the remote.

“Most excellent!” Jake replied. “Do grab a seat then.”

Dirk was sitting on the floor and flipping a small wrench idly between his fingers, leaning against some giant, soft-looking ball pressed up against the bottom of the bed. His shades were off in an impressive gesture of practicality. This was the first time Karkat had seen him willingly without them outside of sleeping. As Karkat walked in, he looked up and offered a small smile, sliding the wrench into his pocket.

“Terezi, do you want me to grab you a chair?” Jane offered, starting to pull away to do so.

“No, the floor is fine,” she replied, waving Jane off. As she approached Dirk, she swung her cane back and forth, and Karkat would’ve reached out to stop her if she hadn’t ceased about one inch away from Dirk’s legs. “This pile smells comfy.”

Terezi settled down at the other end of the bed frame, leaving Karkat to place himself between the two. Glancing from Dirk to Terezi surreptitiously, his anxiety only heightened. If it was just trolls, he’d cuddle with Terezi, especially with their moirallegiance so fresh he could still smell the ink drying. But for humans, flushed relationships often involved public displays of affection, and, oh god, Dirk was grabbing his hand. Wouldn’t Terezi be upset?

But Terezi had dated Dave, even though it hadn’t worked out; she understand human relationship norms. And indeed, though she reached out to pat Karkat’s knee briefly, she seemed content to leave him be as the movie began.

Karkat squeezed Dirk’s hand and shifted closer, resting his head against Dirk’s shoulder. The human looked down, gave him a lightning-quick smile, and pressed a kiss to Karkat’s forehead before turning back to the shitty introductory credits. Just that small gesture was enough to make Karkat's stomach flip. Why the hell did Dirk make him _more_ nervous and bashful than he had before?


End file.
